Husband "jealous" of dead ex-husband?

Question

My ex-husband just died. He was the father of my child and, although he was allowed to - he just chose not to visit. I did receive child support. Recently, he began calling our child and talking on the phone. They never had a chance to meet. This was a sudden death. My child wants to attend the funeral with me. My husband is not going. Since I told him of my ex's death and he knows I am communicating with his family, my husband has basically shut me off. His conversation is centered around how horrible my ex was and that he never saw his child and made it difficult to get support as well as his family never visiting either. I feel that this was the father of my child and he is gone. It can only be beneficial to meet the extended family that has not been around until now. My husband won't talk, doesn't hold me at night like he used to since this happened. Quite frankly, at this point, I don't care as I'm sick of the jealousy & infantile behavior. Advice?

Answer 1

he needs to get over himself your going out just pure respect and hes seeming to forget that you comming home to him.

Answer 2

Um ok look this is for his family, which includes your daughter and presumably you to a small extent. If he wishes to get lost while you deal with this, so be it. I find his behavior childish. What does he want you to do, burn down the funeral home?

Your child needs your attention and love right now. This is likely terribly upsetting to her/him. Tell your husband that beating a dead horse (literally) won't help anything, and this is all about putting this behind you. There is no use regurgitating past problems anymore.

The fact is that you (presumably) loved this man at some point, and it is respectful of you to quietly attend his funeral. Don't get involved in it - make your appearance and wish his family well, and move on.

Answer 3

It is infantile. First and foremost this isn't about anyone but your child. The child has every right to know his biological family.
When I was 25 my father wanted to meet me. My mother and her side of the family said he didn't deserve to meet me. Well maybe not....but "I" deserved to meet him. After so many years...this was no longer about him or about her; IT WAS ABOUT ME and what I wanted and needed. Best thing I ever did. I found out alot about myself, I was no longer an outcast. I had much in common with him and his family. I found out where I got my since of humor from, my eyes, my hearty loud laugh, my goofiness. My paternal side of the family is so open whereas my maternal side tends to have different rules for the men and the women. It was quite an experience.

Answer 4

Talk to him on a non-accusatory manner. Everyone is entitled to their feelings as inmature as they may be. Sure, his behavior is childish, but in his head, he feels sorta "betrayed" that after he has fathered your child, be there for him, etc. now the dead-beat father gets all the "recognition" and "steals his thumder". I know, this may sound bizarre, but in a man's psyche, men are always competing. Please, understand his feelings, even if you do not understand them.

Tell him: Honey, you are Timmy's father. A fathee is not the one that procreates, but the one that is parents the child. You have all of our recognition and graditute. Your family became ours the day that we got married and you have been the highlite of our life.You are not taken for granted and your effort, support and hard work are recognized and we love you for all that you have done and continue doing for us.

Please, understand that attending the funeral is for Timmy's sake. I don't want him traumatized over this. He's already suffered his abandonment and I don;t want him to always wonder about the reason why he was unwanted by him. This will be beneficial to him, to heal wounds and close that chapter. This is hard for him as it is, but I want to grant his this wish. I don't want him to always wondering about his biological descent. Please, do not feel betrayed by this as you are our family and we love you. I would like for you to attend with us, we are very proud of you, if you don't want to, I understand, but we will like to go as a family. I'm sure Timmy will appretriate seeing his biological family and it will be a present from us when he grows older. If that man's choose to alienate himself from Timmy, that was his bad choice and that cannot be corrected now, but this is the time to be the better person and put differences aside for Timmy's sake.

PS/ men have problem expressing their feelings. He'll come around, in the mwan time, give him the recognition he deserves, as he is the real hero in the situation. Just because the ex is dead, doesn;t make him a saint.

I hope this helps, Good luck

Answer 5

When people die usually bad memories of them die with them. The living tend to focus on the good things and maybe you are somewhat idolizing him to your husband and son. Which is good for your son, but not for your husband, who has been helping you raise your child and obviously only knows your husband as, Dad. Your husbands jealousy is childish, but he's only human. Humans have feelings and not many can claim to think rationally 100% of the time. That's where you come in and make sure you let him know how much you love him and appreciate him. You're his wife, you're supposed to be taking care of his feelings, too.

Answer 6

Your husband has huge mis-placed issues with his self-esteem which is something that he needs to deal with on a personal level ...This is not your fault...Communicate to him your feelings about this and let the cards fall where they may...As funny as this may sound your husband still needs time to heal from his past and may need to seek some christian counsel He is not yet relationship ready..He needs some guidance and honesty by first being honest with himself...He is not....Thats why he is so highly misunderstood...Get out of there before you become emotionally as damaged as he already is...

Answer 7

I agree with your husband he has been daddy to your child and your ex family never have contacted your child with a phone call,birthday card and now they are mourning their loss they suddenly want to be in your child's life give me a break.. what kind of people turn their backs on a grandchild, neice, nephew not the kind of people i would want around my child!!

Answer 8

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Answer 9

Unfortunatly I can't give any advice. This is bazarre behavior. I am in a simalar situation. The father of my child passed away last Christmas and I went and got a tattoo memorial saying rest in peace. My current boyfriend told me after a year of dating that he no longer wanted to be with me unless I covered the tattoo up. It's ridiculous to be jealous over someone deceased, but hey men are incredible Aren't they?

Answer 10

Dear,

Your husband should be more helpful to you. Firstly, He knows that you're a widow and married you. Secondly, you are having kids with your Ex-husband and marry you. Now for the last time in paying homage to your Ex-husband funeral, there no reason he should stop!. His Etiquette in life is Zero.

Answer 11

Seems to me like you got your stuff together. Tell the husband that you already have a child and that you are not about to teach him how to behave, that's what is mama was for.