Help me.... Please!?

Question

Well, I don't even know where to start. First of all, I am a 23 year old married woman. I have been with my honey since I was 16. He was my first real true love and the first person I did anything with. We married when I was 19 and we had a daughter when I was 20. We were basically kids when we first started dating.... I have changed alot and he is the same. I have goals and needs that I didn't have then. He is laid back and easy going. He doesn't try to make any decisions at all. I have to make any life altering decisions myself. I want a man that supports me on things. I need a bold shoulder to cry on every now and then. I get tired of being the strong one everyday. I want a man that wants to take a load off of me and be the one to take care of me for once. I am really tired of playing wife and mom to my husband. I don't know if this is enough for me to want to end the relationship or not. He is a good dad and I love him for that. I don't want to put my daughter through a divorce for

my own reasons. I feel like that is selfish for me to make her world as she knows it come to an end because I am not happy with my marriage. What do I do? I love him of course because I have so much time and effort invested in our relationship. I just want to be held and loved in return. I desire the feeling of someone standing behind me to catch me if I fall. I want to know that I am not alone in the position of being the sole responsible person. I guess he is who he is. I want to know... would you just leave and try to find someone else or would you just hang in there and hope that it will change eventually? I have spent 7 years with him and I don't know if I want another 7 years of feeling alone. If I am going to do everything myself and make decisions myself... I can do that without him in my life. Please give me some advice on what you would do!

Answer 1

When you married so young and everyone told you this would happen you didn't listen did you?

You married him. You have to learn to grow together. Your goals have to remain roughly compatible. This is part of growing up and maturing - you have a family and you need to make this work.

Divorcing him is the coward's way out. You have some serious work to do here, but trust me - millions of people have fixed this kind of thing before. This is way too early to bail.

EDIT WOW 8 thumbs down in only about 3 min. Pretty impressive. I don't think an answer of mine has cheezed off that many people so quickly before.

TRUTH HURTS sometimes people!

Answer 2

There is a phrase that has been used for years, it is called "the seven year itch". It is used to describe what may occur between married people after they have been together for about seven years and start to grow perhaps in different directions. Sometimes people use it to explain why they had an affair. It is true that people will "grow apart" after a time. But is that what is really happening here? Maybe what has happened is the laid back cool guy you fell for is not so cool after all. Now that you have reponsibilities you feel more responsible than he does. If you are making all of the decisions, why should he bother with them? We all want someone to take the lead from time to time, but in reality it doesn't happen as much as we would like.
There is a reason people say that behind every strong man is a strong woman, there usually is. It would be great if both of you shared responsibilities and I have a feeling that he does from time to time, it's just that right now you are feeling over whelmed and it'e easy to attack him. You are apparently doing a good job as a wife and mother. By not arguing with you and trying to do his own thing, in a way he is supporting you.

You are feeling that you need certain things and want certain things, that's fine, however I have to tell you that you commited yourself to this man for better or for worse, and there will be times it is better and times when it is worse. Why do you think that is in the oath you take when you wed? You need to "man up" and accept your place, urge him to help. Find ways to try and simplify your decision making. Do you think finding a man who is a good dad and that you love is an easy undertaking? If he is a good man then find a way to communicate your frustrations to him without blaming him. After all, it is you aho you say has changed.

Answer 3

hi crystal
sorry to hear that things are not working out for you. it sounds like you have quite a plate full there. by the sounds of things you have basically only had one man in your life. 19 is a very young age to get married and then be starting a family so soon after. i know that when my parents where younger 19 was almost old to be getting married. people need to get out and experience life before they settle down. i have seen so many that haven't and have regretted it and their marriage ended. have you spoken to your husband about how you feel? if you have and he doesn't want to change then maybe it is time for you to start a new life. i'm sure it will be tough for all of you but if you wait things will not get any easier. if you think that giving up on this relationship is being selfish don't worry about that. you have to think about yourself as well as others and staying in this relationship will not make anyone happy. good luck and i hope things work out for you in the future.
i have been reading some of the other peoples advice to you crystal and i am amazed by how many people think that a marriage is something that should be hard work. that is a bunch of crap. the only reason any of you think that is because you settled for second best when you met your mate. marriage should never be hard work. my girl and i have been together for 3 and a half years. we have never had an arguement or a cross word or thought towards each other and never will. yes there is some give and take in a relationship but when someone is not will to do that, that is selfishness and that relationship will not work out. also people please do not tell crystal that she has to stay in this marriage for better or for worse. you do not have a clue what this woman is going through. just remember you never know what it is like a for a person until you walk a mile in their shoes.

Answer 4

Well "nicelady" isn't very nice, is she? But she does have a point, in that when people are older they are more fully formed and therefore they make better life choices.

I feel for you and I think I understand what you are going through. This is precisely what people mean when they use the phrase "she outgrew him." We can have many things in common when we're young, but if one person keeps growing and the other one doesn't, then pretty soon they're not compatible anymore.

This would be an easier decision if you didn't have a child. I'm sure you realize this. I think your first step should be couples counseling. Use the internet to research what is available in your area. Perhaps one of you has a benefit through your workplace or health insurance that will help pay for it.

You don't say how old your husband is. I can tell you that I have three grown sons, and men mature much later than women. I don't think men start feeling or acting fully grown up until they're around 30. But in the meantime, you deserve to have an equal partner.

Have you told him the things you have said in your post? If not, tell him right away how you're feeling and tell him that you need him to step up. But in either case, counseling would be the best first step because an experienced therapist can help you and him figure out what's going on and what steps you can both take towards a happier marriage.

Good luck to you!

Answer 5

The others have given you some pretty good advice. I have been married for 15 years (although I wasn't as young as you) and I am definately the more ambitious, take charge (or is that rambuncious and charge in) but I have had to learn to lay back and let my man BE the man. Sometimes quiet men don't like that and may even be afraid but if you show him that you NEED him to take the lead and sometime you will even have to REFUSE to take the lead EVEN if it means letting the toilet stay broken or the telephone getting cut off (its not the end of the world and its worth shaking him to make him become a better man. DIVORCE IS NOT THE ANSWER - it will only destroy your daughter and you ain't gonna find someone better. Marriage counseling and clery can definately help. Authors like Gary Chapman and Sam Laing have great books on relationships that can help also. Even if you are fighting alone don't give up IT DOES MAKE a difference. Good luck

Answer 6

I think counseling would be a big help. An outside party can make a guy see things you couldn't get him to see. Don't give up on the marriage so easily. Being a single mom is not as easy as you might think and there would be lots of lonely nights considering you've never really lived on your own by yourself. Maybe you could start small and ask him to plan a date night? Slowly but surely start giving him more things to handle in which he would have to be the decision maker? All marriages have problems, so you'd probably be trading these problems for a whole new set of problems with someone else. You didn't say till death do us part or I get tired of his ways. If there is no abuse or infidelity, work it out. You'll be glad you did in the long run.

Answer 7

You need to talk to him very frankly about this. If you don't, he'll assume everything is ok. Let him know that you need more push from him...that you are looking for him to take more of a lead role in the relationship. Just be honest...it's the only thing that works.

Try not to be judgemental about it...just talk about what you need, about what you feel. If you get into a blame-fest, that won't be positive, and it probably will just cause more of a problem. You have to try hard to just be a mirror for him...

That might not make much sense, but think of it this way...let's say you are coming off a 3 day drunk...when you look in a mirror, it doesn't try to tell you what kind of person you are...it just shows the reflection of someone who's been on a 3 day drunk. Try and do that with your husband. Let him know what you see, let him know what you need, and see if you can get him to hear you.

I'll say this...I think this is getting to be a really hard time for men to figure out their role. We have had years of being told that women don't need us...that we've been playing superior for far too long, etc. So, a lot of men have pulled back from a strong role in relationships, thinking it's not what they are supposed to do. What I think, though, is that men and women are fundementally different, and in a complimentary way...if it's allowed to be.

Good luck to you. remember...be honest.

Answer 8

I went through this, but in reverse. My ex-wife was the type who never tried to support me, no matter what i did. After 10 years of it i finally gave up and left. My daughter, who is now 21, with a child of her own, agrees that because of the way her mother still is, that my leaving was in the long run better for all of us. I now have a stronger relationship with my daughter, than i ever could have had, because i was too busy dealing with the issues that her mom and i had instead of making sure my daughter had a better life. If i were you, i would try and talk to him about it, and if it doesnt work, then maybe a divorce is the best way to go. If you dont have his support now, what about when something really big happens, and you really need him to lean on. It doesnt sound to me like he would be there.

Answer 9

Honey.. you do not need a divorce. Learn to decide what is best for your family by learning to have family meetings. Children do not run these meetings by the way. Simply prepare for the first one A. Announcing when and where it will be held B. Make up lists of rules for the meetings.. no screaming etc. C. When the meeting is begun. ask for input on the next family outing ( keep the decisions to something easy and non threatening at forst, ok? that way he learns slowly about how decisions are made wisely instead of insisting he understand all at once. ) D. As the meeting progress and become more indepth.. then fewer of them will be neded..ok? He will have learned from you what he did not learn from his DAD.

Good luck.. remember to stay gentle and loving and kind. PATIENCE is what is going to be needed here.

Answer 10

I think you may have rushed into this. Ive been with my boyfriend for almost two years and I have no plans to commit further for a long time (I'm 20)

The fact is, youve never really gotten out there and lived a lot.
Also, Ive noticed that you havent once said you love your husband as a MAN, and that says something very significant. If theres no love left, a divorce would be the best option. Other than that, it sets a very bad standard for the future- for your daughter to grow up seeing a loveless marriage as being normal. My parents divorced and I'm glad theat I didnt have to grow up feeling guilty for curtailing their lives.

if there is some true, passionate love left, then you can try to make it work, but you need to speak to him honestly and accept that he cannot change overnight just because you have. Give him a chance to be the strong one. Neither is the man psychic, you should discuss this with him- you owe more to his opinions on both of your lives than to heed the advice of strangers on yahoo answers.

Answer 11

I'll tell you the problem.. You got married at to young of an age. You didn't experience life b/c you cut yours a little short by marriage and a little one at such a young age and now your tired of the same ole stuff. It is very understandable. What you have to do if you want your man to change is tell him exactly what you wrote in this question. Tell him how you feel and how you want him to feel. If he can't come to grips with what your asking then I would consider other options. The best way to get things to change is to talk to your partner about it and maybe the two of you can work it out. Hope this helps and yes he needs to support you and back you in anything. I don't know why he doesn't make the big decisions b/c I do in my relationship..