An ebony sky as the sun shines
Hail stones striking as the wind falls
Endless perverse happenings
The world is a trampoline
Where are the climbing jasmine
A name is called
The letter cannot be opened
The news requires exertion
A scent is detected and remembered
Love taught me to die
There is no amusement
Direction is obscured by the ebony sky
2007-11-14 01:45:20 · 6 answers · asked by Marguerite 7 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
This to me requires a great deal of thought, in order to grasp the true meaning. I personally like it and will continue to study it.
2007-11-14 04:02:26 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like this poem quite a bit. The images are good, and I feel my senses involved in what you evoke.
There are a few places where it falters briefly. I have great difficulty picturing the first line; if the sun shines, how is there an ebony sky? I know the sky can be dark during the day, but we don't usually see the sun shining if it is.
The line "the news requires exertion" - I see and like what you are trying to do there, but the construction is a little awkward.
The last stanza relies on too much passive voice - easily tweakable, in this case. The first line of that stanza, you can simply show yourself in it: "A scent - I smell and remember," or something that puts you more actively in it. The third line, you can make "amusement" the subject, with something along the lines of "Amusement falters" (or any other verb that says more precisely what you mean). Leaving the last line passive is okay if you want to end with "ebony sky," so long as the entire stanza is not as passive.
Again, in general, I really like this. Play with line construction and see if you agree that doing so makes the poem even more powerful and evocative.
2007-11-14 10:31:35 · answer #2 · answered by Jeff R 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a very evocative, pretty poem. I'm not grasping the full meaning of it yet, but I really like it.
"The world is a trampoline"--really nice line.
2007-11-14 10:05:57 · answer #3 · answered by Todd 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like it but the first two lines, they seem to me to be contradiction within each line. I see the meaning but something in those two lines do feel just right. Jasmine is your favorite scent.
2007-11-14 10:31:52 · answer #4 · answered by Coop 366 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I love the sentence "Love taught me to die". Amazing poem, thats all I can say. Great work!
2007-11-14 10:01:06 · answer #5 · answered by 'Mojo' 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should enter the poetry contest on Liefde-Chance.com
2007-11-16 01:56:21 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋