So I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 25. I'm a sophomore in college and he is salaried and independent.
I've been with him for almost a year now. And while I've been making plans for a master's degree program after college, he is making plans about where we will have our wedding....
He is truly the sweetest person, and treats better than anyone I've ever been with, and I really care about him. But is it wrong for me to feel a little awkward when he's ALWAYS discussing marriage? And not only that, he sort of treats me like I'm already married to him--I don't go out with my friends hardly at all anymore, because he says that married people have only one priority--their spouse. And he's always worried that I might meet another guy when I'm out anywhere, even the mall. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely committed and loyal, but I feel like marriage just seems so soon. He plans to marry me when I'm 21.
Is there anything I can do or say that wouldn't be hurtful to fix this?
2007-11-14 01:21:10 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Tell him to back off! You got yourself a clingy one.
2007-11-14 01:26:34 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He doesn't treat you all that well, really. He's always discussing marriage when you're uncomfortable with it. He treats you like you're married although you are not. He's using the issue of marriage to control you to the point you don't go out with friends anymore and worries when you go to the mall. He's so insecure he worries you're going to find someone else (probably why he says a married persons only priority is their spouse). He doesn't respect you. He wants to control you. There are so many red flags here.
It's time to stick up for yourself. Remind him that although you love him the two of you are not married. Tell him that you are committed and loyal to him but refuse to think about marriage until after college. The problem is he is at such a different point in his life that it's causing conflict. He's attempting to push you into being settled when you aren't and shouldn't be at this point.
You have to set the boundaries. If he can't handle those boundaries then you really should consider your future with him.
2007-11-14 01:34:38 · answer #2 · answered by JB 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In relationships, honesty is the best answer, always. If your relationship can't handle an honest discussion, then you shouldn't be together.
Basically, you guy sounds like someone who's completely besotted and in love with you, and I think that firstly, you should be happy for that - how many women have asked for answers about men who would run a mile at even the thought of getting married - just worth remembering!
However, things are a bit problematic I agree. It sounds like the two of you have slightly different ideas about your relationship - he's ready to settle down, and you aren't so sure yet.
I think one issue to address is the lack of independance. No one should take you away from your friends (think Sex and the City) especially as if ever there is a problem in your relationship, this is your support group. Nobody has the right to take you away from the people you love, no matter how serious your relationship. Just think of all the married couples who don't spend every waking minute together, its very natural to have independance in a relatioship, and it certainly doesn't mean you aren't close. I wsould try to gently explain this to him.
For the issue relating to meeting another guy, I would say that maybe your guy has some confidence issues. Because he loves you, he's afraid of what would happen if you were to meet someone else and leave him - it sounds as if he's afraid of this situation. Talk to him about it, make aure you have quality time together when you tell him how great you think he is, but make sure he knows you have to have some time away from each other, even though that certainly doesn't mean you will be off with another guy.
As for the marriage issues, it sounds like he wants a commitment from you. This is the real issue. I would ask yourself and him these questions
1. Is he afraid that you will leave if you don't get married? Marriage should be about love and wanting to spend the rest of your life together, and not about trying to keep someone from leaving
2. Is the age difference creating the problem? For example, does he feel strongly that he is at the best time in his life to settle down and get married, regardless of your plans and ambitions?
3. What do YOU want? Have you thought about how you will mature and grow up in the next few years? Will that change you and your attitude towards marriage and this man?
4. Is it too early to get married? In comparison you haven't been together so long? Are you living together? Is now really the right time? Would you benefit from more time to get to know each other without the pressures of marriage? Remember, marriage is for life, I imagine that you see marriage as the 'ultimate' relationship, the man that you want to be with forever, so its important to make sure this guy is the One. Don't regret something in 5 years because you felt pressured. If he loves you, he WILL wait.
Wow, sorry that was such a long answer, but I think your question merited it. Mostly, respect yourself. Don't be pressurised into anything you aren't comfortable about. If you aren't 100% sure, don't go through with it - it isn't worth it. If your guy loves you, you can be together wheather or not you are married. And if he doesn't understand or respect your decision, then he isn't worthyour time - you have your whole life ahead of you! Just take some time to talk honestly about your feelings, it could go a long way to helping this situation.
2007-11-14 01:50:54 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say "he plans to marry me when I am 21" as though you have no choice in the matter. He can't marry you unless you show up and say I do. And if your not ready you need to say so, tell him that while you think he is great, you are not ready for marriage, and don't know if you will be by the age 21. Tell him what you see for you own future and take control of your life again. It seems that you may also have a different view of what marriage is, and that is normal. Marriage is about putting your spouse first to an extent,but its not about forgetting who you are in the process. Its about balancing the two. Your spouse should enhance your exisiting life, not dominate your life. But again, this is something that your not ready to talk about at this time. SO find your inner voice and tell him, and he still pressures you than show him your not interested by breaking up with him. Yes, he may be a nice person but that doesn't mean he is the right person for you!
2007-11-14 01:29:14 · answer #4 · answered by Mrs.G-unit 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You definitely need to have a long talk or many long talks with him. One of the key components to a successful marriage is good communication and another is compromise. If you see these concerns now, then now is the time to try and fix them. Do NOT EVER be pushed into anything you are not ready for especially marriage. You have a great plan for your career just as you should at 19. Because he is ready to get married is not to be your burden. Move at the pace you are ready to move at and if he loves you and respects your commitment to him then he will wait. You should certainly help him understand the importance of your life with friends. He seems to be very insecure and that can cause all sorts of issues for you. If you continue to show him that he has no reason to worry then he will hopefully lighten up, but you must push the issue. Take these concerns to him and let him know how committed you are to him as well as your concerns.
2007-11-14 01:30:32 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Id say marriage is definitely way too soon but not for the reason you think. If he is already trying to control what you do he isnt asking for marriage for the right reasons. He may be sweet and caring now, but the underlying fact is if he doesnt like you doing things with your friends now, how much worse will it get after you are married to him. And i would continue to make plans for college and go and finish that. If he cant respect that you want to better yourself first, it would not be worth it in the long run to give him what he wants and give up your dreams. It sounds to me like he is insecure about himself, and marrying him isnt going to change that. And the whole married people should only be concerned with each other and not do things separately is just wrong, i went through that with my first wife, and all it did was cause us unfixable problems. Everyone needs a little time alone or out with their friends, and if he cant understand that, then he needs to grow up before he ever considers marriage. As for how to talk to him, just be honest and open with him, and if he doesnt like it, let him deal with it.
2007-11-14 01:32:00 · answer #6 · answered by biggman100 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well start by telling him you are not ready....let him know you love him but your just not ready and you do not know if you will be at 21 either, I would also add that if he loves you than he will wait for you and stop pushing you into something you are not ready for, if you do marry him and you not ready you 2 will surely end in divorce tell him that....you need to be HONEST, not sure maybe you worded it wrong or something, but the whole "He plans to marry me when I'm 21." sounds kinda like he is very controlling...do you not have a say in this matter at all?...also I don't see anything in your Q where you say you love him. do you? do not let anyone push you into anything that you are not comfortable with just because you don't want to hurt them......sounds like he is going to get hurt no matter what you say because he is so fixated on marrying you......just be honest.....Good Luck
2007-11-14 01:35:07 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is a problem if HE plans to do things that involve you (like get married) when you are not onboard. You need to have a serious talk with him. I think you will have some serious regrets if you go along with his timeline. Don't put off you're education or getting a master's degree for him because he thinks a wedding is more important. Good luck to you.
2007-11-14 01:27:07 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes. It seems he is really anxious to tie you down. Stay in the relationship if you want but don't get married. It would be wise for you to break it off for a while because he is getting too controlling. Once the kids come you'll be strapped for a long time. He seems sweet to you because he's talking marriage.
Once the knot is tied he can really lock you down.
2007-11-14 01:31:35 · answer #9 · answered by psi2006 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Stay single, dont shack up or play house, if he is still around when you get your masters degree and you know what you really want out of life and your education you have worked so hard for, then consider marrying him. He is already trying to control your every move. postpone the wedding!
2007-11-14 01:27:33 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
At least is waiting until you are 21. A 6 year difference at your age is a problem because you are at different phases of your life.
Why you would even find him attractive in the first place bothers me. Why he went after you bothers me even more. I doubt this is a healthy relationship.
You are going to have problems with this age difference for a long time.
Simply tell him to please back off, marriage may be in the future, but for now you are on a different track.
2007-11-14 01:33:12 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋