Issues with my Husband..?

Question

We have been together for over 5 years and have been married for a little of 2 years now. We have a 3 1/2 and a 1 1/2 year old daughters. He works full-time, and I was a stay at home mom for the past 4 years, until this past August. I am curently going back to school to finish my R.N. degree. I feel that I am completly stressed out- in EVERY way! He is really a good father and a good husband- he has his things he needs to work on, but we all do.. The thing is we have had sex only 3x sence this past January! Honestly. He want's it all of the time- and I have no thrive for it. This is obviously causing real termoil in our mariage. He had a vesectomy that I was not 100% on board about- I did support him- but I was not 100% sure that I NEVER wanted anymore children. I think this has alot to do with our "sexless" relationship..!!?? Does ANYONE have any suggestion (other than just saying sleep with him!)? I really ned help... My marriage depends on it. Thanks, Chellie

Ok thanks to everyone that has responded! I just want to add a few things I feel are VERY important. I do go to school FT, but I do put in more time in & out of school then he works( I only go 2 days FT & 1 day only for a few hrs). We both share the dinners- as I do all other meals- & he loves being included in this. I am the one who does EVERYTHING for the girls. I think the major issue here is that I feel I do not get any respect from him. I try to talk with him- but he doesn't talk back. I have reccommended counceling- he says he will, but never does. I try to get us out to do things alone- but we really don't have $ for it- or a sitter. I have told him that is he were to understand the emotional aspects from my end- things might change. Also, TMI but I do have endrometriosis (sp?) which makes sex very painful- & he has premature ejactulation- so this is a bigger issue for me. For all the pain- there is little benifit for me. I hope this clears somethings up for people. Thanks again

I feel the need to respond to Crystal G.'s responce. I am not quite sure where you got the impression that my family is suffering? My husband & mines sex life may be suffering- but my family is not. My girls have home cooked meals every night. My girls are by no means neglected. Also, my girls NEVER go to bed w/o mommy. I am the one that tucks them in every night & reads them their night-night stories! Like I stated I go to school FT 2x a week & am home by 6pm 1 night & 8pm the other night. The 1 day that I am @ school for a few hours I am gone only from 7:30am-11:30am. As for taking less classes that is not an option. And as for the "re-thinking" my priorities- I am going to school to benifit my family. I am going to school so I can have a career not a dead end job that pays nothing. My kids are first & foremost in my life! I do have alot on my back right now- but in the end it will all be worth it. I hope this does not sound rude- but I want it to be known I am a good mom. Thanks ;)

Answer 1

I'm not sure, but I think you are saying you just don't desire your husband anymore, or that sex is not longer of interest to you. If you associate sex with having children, and believe there is no other reason to be intimate this may be the problem. Maybe you are harboring some resentment for the vasectomy, and subconciously punishing your husband for having it.
Sometimes (with anything not just sex) you have to do some positive self-talk about your feelings. Remind yourself what is attractive about your husband, how much you love him etc. Sometimes we may think we won't enjoy something (such as sex) but once we dive in, we find we do.

Set aside time for special dates with your husband, dress up, go out, hold hands, flirt and talk to each other. Rekindle some of the closeness you had before the kids arrived. Many people with families have to set aside date nights especially after having children and finding their time is always crowded with obligations.

If nothing works see a counselor, even if you go alone. It will be worth it.

Answer 2

You both have resentments that are bubbling much of the time, but they remain unaddressed. Nobody wants to "give" in the face of these issues for fear they are signalling that all's well and forgotten. It can be so bad that two people who are truly on the same side can't bear (afford) to support each other.

I hope you can find a good counselor to help you, because I think you can work this out with help.

ADDED: Having read your addition, more than ever, I think you've got too many contributing problems that a counselor could help you both prioritize, not necessarily in order of importance, some may respond to a quick fix!

But I must point out that you yourself suggested what is very possibly the biggest and best first step. The cost of a babysitter is NOTHING compared to the benefits of a Friday nite date you can count on!! Together, you can face anything.

Answer 3

have you ever been on a date since your kids were born? I don't mean a family night out at the Pizza Hut, I mean, have you saved up some money, hired a baby sitter you trust, and gone out just the two of you? If your folks or in-laws live nearby, ask if they can take the kids for the night (they'd love the time with their grandkids) and have a great night out. Go to a play if you can (if not, go to a movie) then go to dinner then have a sexy night at a hotel. (Or back at the child-free house) It sounds like that's what you need. You are both stressed out and you are seeing your husband as the father of your children but not your lover. You need to remember he is he also your lover, and as hard as it is to visualise right now, he will still be your lover when the children have left the house. You need to start focusing on each other with weekly date nights. All the best to all of you

Answer 4

3 kids 9,8,4. We haven't had sex for more than 5 minutes for the past 9 years. It's because when you did have sex, you conceived children which suck every ounce of energy out of any normal human. Don't think you are alone, everyone who has a child goes through this. You add multiple children and you will soon realize that the 45 seconds it takes to go take a leak is now interupted. You have no time. Gotta wait til they are grown and out of the house in another 18 years.

Answer 5

been married four years together for eight. i think you should make an effort to spice up your sex life. You don't want to have sex because you let everything else in your life effect your want for sex. If school is stressful and the kids are driving you crazy, go buy some sex lingerie and have a fun night with the hubby and release all that tension. Also stop focusing on the negative like him having the vesectomy, there is nothing you can do about it now right. Ejoy each others company again and SPICE IT UP!!!

Answer 6

It sounds like you have alot on your plate right now. Maybe stress is an issue. Nursing school is really tough. Anyone who hasn't gone doesn't have a clue. Then, you have to go home and deal with everything there. You probably do feel like your not getting the respect you deserve. As far has the vasectomy goes, your husband shouldn't have gone trough with it unless he had your ok. His decision has an impact on your life too, which isn't fair. I think you need to talk to him and if that doesn't help maybe marriage counseling would.

Answer 7

There is going to be a lot of speculation, but you are the only one who knows why you don't want your husband to touch you. At this point the vasectomy is done. You have to move forward, and it seems you are doing that. You are in school, your kids will be in school when you go to work. With all the changes in your life, you need to embrace your hubby now, more than ever.
I couldn't imagine hurting my husband feelings over and over again by rejecting him. A person can only take rejection for so long, think about what your doing to him. Is it fair that he has to keep accepting "no", and somehow be OK with it??

That's my advice, put yourself in his shoes. Could you handle that much rejection?? Would you want to be hurt like that?? Maybe this will stir up something inside of you and hopefully you will run to him and give him lots of hugs and kisses and tell him "I'm sorry I have been hurting you this way" "I don't think I was ready for you to get a vasectomy, but I'm willing to put that aside for now so we can re-connect."

Answer 8

if you think thats why your not into it much anymore then maybe you should talk to a counsler about how to work through that.. its done and over and you did let him do it even if you didnt really want too. that would of been the time to try to change his mind. so now you should let that go and be more loving to him in that area. i am sure you wont want him looking else where. so maybe you need to see some time together just to play together so you both can get excited about it again.. good luck

Answer 9

I think you should seek marrital counceling. I think before you have sex again, you first need to heal your resentment over his operation. I think theres probably things left unsaid, and things that you may want to talk about. Use counceling as a chance to have the closure you need. If your husband is not willing to follow you to the sessions, then you may be asking yourself if he really wants to do whatever it takes to save the union. Good luck

Answer 10

sweetie you are stressed out. you cant do it all but you need to take care of your husband and he needs. maybe you both can compromise on the house chores so that you can have more time to be with each other. but you being stressed is not going to work all the time. you chose to go back to school so your household should not suffer in one bit. and if they do maybe you should take less classes. because its not fair to them that you chose to go back to school and they cant get a home cooked meal, or come home to a clean house, or go to sleep with mommy, or dad cant get any sex. you need to rethink your priorities. sweetie. family FIRST. especially the HUSBAND. GodBless