How do I get my husband to communicate about a pregnancyloss ?

Question

I misscarred our baby on 10-28-06, my husband left for Brazil (work sent him) 7 days after I had surgery. My son who was 6 months at the time was what i focused on and I never really delt with the loss. Now with it being over a year later I don't feel like crying helps. My husband never really showed any emotion about the loss. When i try to talk to him about the way i feel, he changes the subject (he is REALLY good at this.) and i would just like to know how to really get him to talk to me about this.
He Never saw the heart beat, He wasn't the one who was carrying the child. he just acts as if it never happend and Doesn't want me to "honor"my baby's life around 10-28. he says he dosnt see the point. "What's in the past, is in the past"

Answer 1

he finished mourning. you haven't. everyone has their own time frame of dealing with pain. nothing is stopping you from your own rememberance. just don't force him to participate.

i have a booklet of all my ultrasounds. even from my miscarriages. nothing extreme, just a photo album of what was. everyone mourns, but for different amounts of time. if you need to cry, do it. my miscarriages still hurt from time to time, but i still smile when i see my 3 boys laugh and play. take your time. just as no one can tell you when to stop mourning, you can't expect someone to mourn for as long as you will.

Answer 2

While I can try to empathize with your loss, and I can say that a miscarriage is a sad and tragic thing, I can't really tell you how to feel about this. To me, a miscarried fetus is not quite the same as "losing a loved one." I'm sure, to you, it is.

I've never been one to really understand the necessity in people to mark the day of death of someone with some sort of memorial, anniversary, or honoring. I think it's kind of morbid and melodramatic, and that it perpetuates a sense of mourning that should be brought to an end.

Your husband has had to deal with the loss in his own time and his own way, and he may not want to repeat the process. If you feel that you have some unresolved feelings of guilt or remorse over the miscarriage, then it might be best-advised that you seek professional guidance in the matter. However, I think you will find that most will advise you against marking the day that the baby 'passed' or seeking to memorialize the unborn child. You need to find some peace in the loss, and that includes letting go of the child.

I wish you great peace in your quest for closure.

Answer 3

Everyone copes with things in different ways. He's not there for you in the way you want him to be. I suggest you read this book- "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. My fiance and I had to read it for pre-marital counseling before we get married... and we both found it to be a GREAT book. I'm looking past what is going on with the loss of your child. Maybe your husband isn't meeting your love language and in return, you feel empty and alone. Maybe you need some quality time with him, or physical touch... these are a couple of love languages. If you read the book, you'll know which is yours, and maybe what one your husband's is, and then be able to speak one another's love language. Then, you will both feel complete and full.

A loss of any child-no matter how far along you were is not an easy thing to deal with. I feel your pain, but you have to keep living life-especially for your son now. and when you are ready, try again. Also know that miscarriages are very common. My fiance's Mom had them, my mom had one, almost every lady I know has had at least one. Not saying that makes it easier on you, but you have to push forward with this..... what I do with all my grandparents who have died- I don't put the date on the calendar when they died. This way, I can get past that day with a smile on my face, and live life to it's fullest rather than crying my eyes out on that day. I'm serious- yes, I know around the week that it happened, but as the years go by, you learn to live and be happy - as they'd want you to!

I wish you the best!

Answer 4

I had a misscarred too and my hus band had the same reaction to your husband You cannot get in touch with what you are not feeling A man doesnt feel pregnet because he is not and also men are good at hiding their feelings One thing who would help you a lot to turn this page is having another babyThats what I did and it was a real blessing Hope I did help you a bit

Answer 5

it's possible that he never got the chance to feel like your pregnancy was actually a baby, and so he doesn't feel the loss the way you do; you said, "he never saw the heartbeat".Men experience miscarriages very differently from mothers-to-be. Go ahead and honor your baby, do whatever makes you feel better and when you want to talk about it, try telling your husband, "I really want you to know how I feel about losing our baby and I really want to know how you feel". Don't let him change the subject. If he tries, just tell him again. Best of luck to you.

Answer 6

Like you said he never heard the heartbeat or felt the baby move....men handle these things differently....We live on emotions while a man lives on visual...you need to get on with your life...if it's bothering you that back seek counseling

I havd still born twins on 10/11 04.....Also have two beautifal living children 6 & 7

I moved on because I can't live in the past

Answer 7

I have loss 3 due to miscarriages. It isn't easy but you must move on. Be thankful for the children that you do have ( i have 2) Miscarriages are very common. There is no sense on honoring a babies life. It is only going to prolong your pain. Enjoy your son and focus on him. He is your blessing.

Answer 8

you and your husband need to seek counseling. apparently your husband is taking the loss a little harder than you and maybe has to do with something in his childhood that he equates the loss too and is to painful for him to think about. so stop feeling like your pain is greater than his because its not. you dont know exactly whats going on with him so you both need to seek counseling so that you can repair and move on and not continue to blame each other for the loss. GodBless

Answer 9

do you already know for a actuality that they are speaking? i will understand why you will possibly have insecurities if he's doing it secretly. I went through this with my ex boyfriend. I felt like he did no longer admire my thoughts and it fairly did no longer help my lack of self assurance by ability of him announcing there replaced into no longer something to worry approximately by way of fact they have been exs for a reason. He might additionally say that i did no longer particularly have confidence him. in spite of the shown fact that, in the event that they have no longer something to disguise why might it infuriate them by way of fact all of us understand approximately it or attempt to disguise the reality that they are doing it? As for the dinner i do no longer understand what to assist you already know there. i will understand which you do no longer prefer to do it yet possibly you'll be open with him and tell him that it makes you too uncomfortable to circulate through with it. i assume you may circulate and be conscious how they react to a minimum of one yet another and then possibly you will possibly understand one way or yet another as to what's actually occurring. in easy terms a concept. suited of success to you. desire that one and all is going nicely and which you detect some solutions.

Answer 10

Maybe you should both try marriage counseling to deal with your loss. Everyone grieves in their own way and maybe you both need help to do that.