my husband of 1 year left after a huge fight (in which i said hurtful things)hes been gone for 2 wks.what 2do?

Question

my husband is 26 and im 24...we got married last sept, i had decided to move away from ny and my family to his condo, which was difficult because my mother is really ill, and the commute to school in the city is so time consuming....the past couple of months were filled with aguments and fights over chores, and over him feeling like i dont do enough to show my love for him (e/t i really try, and just dont have enough time for ething with school)...a couple of times the argu. got really bad, but resolved...two weeks ago we argued again, and i said extrem hurtful things (like me finding s/one new) in anger...he packed up a bunch of stuff and left ..i havent heard from him in over two weeks, e/t i tried to contact him with extremely loving emails,telling him id work harder, i have gotten no response, im still in our place.hoplessly sad that he hasnt called..what do i do?

hes also been extremely loving in our relationship, but not always so understanding..which makes it harder...

he called my bro in law and his parents all say that hes with a friend..but i dont know who or where...they all say hes extrmely hurt...

i sent him 2 long heartfelt emails, telling him i want to fight to make it better for both of us, and that i need to talk to him at least, but hes not responding..

i didnt tell him i found someone new, but that i will and could, i also threw my wdding ring at him (bad i know)...in anger when he got up to leave...:(

my whole family wants me to leave the apt, and not be alone, because they think his leaving was dispicable...

Answer 1

I would suggest you call him and ask him to come home so you both can talk, not only about the last arguement but all the arguements. Two adults fighting over chores is quite childish, especially if there are no children in the home.

Of all the things you could have said to your husband, telling him you found someone new was a low blow to him i'm sure. But the question is, why would you say such a thing? Apparently, there is a lot going on that you don't mention, only you know. Nonetheless, you both need to learn how to communicate with each other without insults and arguing, that will resolve nothing and will only add fuel to the fire.

Try to get him to come home and you two just talk about everything thing that's bothering you both and try to come up with some solutions. Maybe have someone who can mediate for you two, if you both tend to lose control easily. But the bottom line is, you are both married and need to learn to work things out and must understand that each of you need your own time alone at times. I don't know about the chore thing, but it should be split between the two of you. And he must understand that with commuting to school and the studying and such that goes with it, is a job too and you cannot give him your undivided attention everytime he wants it, that's just selfish if that's what he wants. And your mother being ill doesnt help either, that's a lot to deal with mentally. Call him and try to get him to come home. Since he's not calling you or responding to your emails, leave him a message letting him know the day and time you would like him there so you can talk. If he doesn't show up, then you have some decisions to make.

I understand he may be hurt, but it's not all about him either. He needs to understand your stresses as well. There is something going on in the marriage that's not being addressed, and you both need to communicate that to each other, not fight over chores and saying hurtful things you will regret later.

And yes, you both need a cooling period, two weeks is more than enough time. I've been married 5 years, and yes my husband and I argue and we both have said some hurtful things to each other (including the line you dropped), but he's never left home not once! He clears his head by leaving the house for some hours and comes back and we talk. Communication is the key.

If he's not willing to communicate, then I would reconsider the marriage and that's the bottom line.

P.S. I don't think anyone should have to "fight" for a marriage to work. If the marriage is not working and there is no communication it is only going to get worse! And the truth is marriage works for some and is not for all. Some people are just not meant to be together, period. And yes, I would consider packing some things and staying with my relatives, why sit around waiting for someone who doesn't care enough to at least call me once.

Answer 2

(Girl don't be a fool and listen to all these answers above mine)

....I bet he's staying with another women! But if he's been gone two weeks then you should call the police and file a missing person report ASAP. What if something bad happend to him? You just never know these days, even though I highly doubt it. You should also contact his family and friends and let them know what's going on ASAP.

Now I don't believe he's in danger. Because a man doesn't run away, unless he has someone to run too. (i.e. another woman/staying and doing only god knows what with her until things cool off with you)

So I would try to locate him ASAP and find out where/who he's been with. And if it's another woman (99.9% chance) Then girl, you need to leave him! Is this the kind of man you want to be married too? Everytime you two have the smallest problem, instead of working towards a solution with you. He go off and lay up with another woman for a few weeks! Thats bullsh!t. He don't need to be married with the kind of lifestyle he's living. NO MATTER what you two argue about...big or small. That doesn't give either of you the right to go off with another person. How would he feel if you did this to him? He probably call you ever wh0re name in the book. You have no kids or anything to tie you two together! So leave his ***!

Answer 3

He is showing you how stubborn he can be and maybe he is using this time to give you both a chance to step back for a bit and assess your situation.

We all tend to say things in moments of anger. It's not a good trait as the effects can sometimes be longlasting, but human nature, just the same. What's done is done.

You have extended the proverbial olive branch and unless you just like to grovel, I would wait him out and see what he does when you are not inundating him with your apologies and heartfelt e-mails.

Answer 4

Ive been married 10 years and the first 3 were the hardest! If your willing to fight for your marriage than do it. And do it in person. Two weeks is a good of being apart my be a good thing for the cooling down process. Lets you know that you need him.

Answer 5

Maybe he just needs some space. He is giving you what you gave him...heartache. Leave him alone for a while and see if he comes around. YOU need to make a conscientious effort to keep your mouth shut when you fight and make sure you think about what your going to say instead of just saying nasty,hurtful things. Once something is said,it can't be taken back. sometimes it hurts the person so much they cannot forgive.

Answer 6

His behaviour is childish and not that of a married man.
Two weeks without notice to you is in book abandonment.

One night I could have understood (barely) Not understanding that school and commute take time and he is not your child but your husband make that I think he needs to grow up.

Answer 7

sweetie first you need to GROW UP you are a married woman now. stop playing mind games. why would you say things that are not true to someone you love. you and hubby need to seek some marriage counseling because he is not understand the total stress you are under as far as school, mom, work, commute, and not being able to be around your family as much. and you need to learn how to effectively communicate without saying hurtful, and mean things. grow up. leave him alone. he needs time to think about if he want to stay or leave your butt. stop sending him email. you made your bed now lye in it. GodBless

Answer 8

He may need some time to relax and think about the whole thing. But do your part and be there for him in which ever way you can. Send him sweet messages and emails just enough to show that your there for him and will wait for him to come back.Hope this works out!All the best

Answer 9

Call his parents, sisters and brothers and find out if they know where he is . Check with his employer and if none of them know where he is file a missing persons report with the police. Everything has two sides and one person is never totally to blame but it sounds like your husband had somewhere else to go, and now it is up to you to find out where.

Answer 10

put your self in his place if he had said those things to you what would you have did, give him some time he will come around you hurt his pride in the futher dont say things that have away biting you in the behind words cuts like a knife good luck be patient he will come home he loves you ease up before he leave for good there is another cat out there meowing