I've been married to my husband for 11 years. He cheated on me in the earlier part of our marriage, and I forgave him. He's done it again, and he lied to me for three days straight about how far this relationship went. I prayed to God that he would touch my husband's heart and make him tell the truth because the evidence was just stacked up too high against him. He confessed later that evening and said that he's been heavily involved with this girl since April, and he and she were sexually intimate. I'm hurt, devasted, and angry. I feel entrapped in this marriage because for one I don't drive. Two. I have no family around here besides him. Three. I'm dependent on him and can't phantom the idea of doing stuff alone. Yet, everytime I look at him, I get a gut-wrenching sensation, and I think about the girl he would lie to me and his children to go and lay up with. I'm scared to death of divorce. What should I do?
2007-11-13 14:23:52 · 11 answers · asked by ? 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
How do you know that the two times you know about are the only two times this has happened? I'm not trying to make you feel worse, but a man who cheated on you "in the earlier part" of an eleven year marriage, and has just now been caught again, has probably been cheating all along.
I'm sorry that you have gotten into a situation where you are "scared to death" of divorce and, I assume, being on your own. You are trapped in fear and that is causing you to choose "the devil you know". Right now, you are in the process of convincing yourself that it is preferable to live with "gut wrenching" pain, everytime you look at your unfaithful husband, than to boot his cheating butt to the curb and start respecting and taking care of yourself. You can't fathom doing stuff alone. The first step is to change that mind-set, because you are letting fear engulf you, and you are not thinking straight.
You say you have no family around there, except him. Okay, where is your family? When he's at work, start getting in touch with them. Be honest about your situation and tell them you need their help. You will be surprised how helpful even cousins can be, when you reach out. What you need are supportive contacts, people who can take you and the kids in to begin with, while you get a divorce. If you can't handle the thought of divorce now, you still need to get away to get your head straight. You've become dependent on your husband for everything - not just all your love, but all your friendship and support, as well. Of course you are panic stricken at the thought of losing everything. That's why you have to get with supportive family. You will eventually realize that there is more than one source of support for you in this world.
First, unless you are going to live someplace with fabulous public transport, get your driver's license. If you are not trained for employment, you need to get the education necessary to get a job and start supporting yourself and your kids. Even if it's not perfect, just the fact that you are doing so much more for yourself than you have ever done is going to give you a lot of the confidence you lack. Family members can help you to get child support from your husband, as well. He's the one who got caught with his pants down.
You have to start thinking about the role model you are presenting to your children, especially if you have girls. You need to demonstrate to your kids that mom is an adult who has the ability to overcome obstacles and triumph in life, not someone who will accept any wretched, disrespectful treatment in return for a roof over her head. You don't want their childhood memories to be of watching you sit at the kitchen table crying, and saying, "What am I gonna do?" You are teaching them how to behave in life.
Don't get overwhelmed with all that lies ahead. Take things one step at a time. You have the opportunity now to look forward to a brighter future that you can make yourself, rather than continuing to be the helpless victim of a man who has shown no sign of being willing to change.
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2007-11-13 14:58:50 · answer #1 · answered by lighght30 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dear Curious- I so now how feel! I too, was in a relationship like yours and feel your frustration. But even though I thought about leaving him, I stayed because of the kids. Now the worst part is, after 20 years of marriage and two special needs kids, HE has left ME! He says he wants to have fun in life and is out there partying and living it up. He barely sees the kids and basically has abandon all of us. The depression and anxiety is so overwhelming that I have been under a doctor's care for some time now. And the kids are in bad shape as well. I guess what I am saying is, if at all possible, get into couples counseling first. See if this can be repaired because let me tell you, divorce is HELL! Especially when kids are involved. I will admit that we grew apart and when we had kids, I grew into a mother and housewife. The problem was, he did not become a father or a husband. He was like this (like yours), through the whole marriage and there seems to be no way to change it. He has refused counseling and is adamant about the divorce. Don't let what happened to me, happen to you. I feel your pain and I would love to talk with you more about this if you like. Please don't hesitate to contact me for additional help and support-you are not alone-Sandy
2016-05-23 02:06:07 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you have any self respect whatsoever? What's more important here, your sanity, peace of mind and dignity OR being stuck in a marriage because you've let yourself become dependent on a man who can't keep his d i c k in his pants? You know what you have to do. Pick up the pieces and get the hell out of there. If he's "heavily involved" with this girl, then why stick around and get s h i t on?
2007-11-13 14:31:22 · answer #3 · answered by cindos_69 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You Poor Girl. I am so sorry. You are feeling so hurt and rightly so. It will be difficult but do not consider trying to make your marriage work. My friend was in the same position. She took him back and made a go of the marriage. Now years later they are still together and she will regret it to the day she dies. She tells me the thought of him with another woman has never left her mind and it is over twenty years.he does not respect you. Make a life and respect for yourself. That's all that matters. Good Luck.
2007-11-13 14:40:58 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you have credit cards? Do you have access to the bank accounts? Empty out the savings, take whatever you need, and take the kids to your closest family (buy plane tickets and a taxi if you have to). Ask your family for help to get on your feet and learn how to drive, get a job, find an apartment, etc. You don't NEED him. You just think you do. File for divorce and let him go.
2007-11-13 14:32:07 · answer #5 · answered by Jacqueline D 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋
The fact that your husband cheated on you twice and even admitted to those affairs, there is no doubt in my mind that he no longer love you nor respect you as his wife. My dear, it is time to go get a divorce for your peace of mind. You will overcome all those concerns that you pointed out in your letter because there is help out there provided by the government and charitable organizations.
2007-11-13 14:36:57 · answer #6 · answered by Belen 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You need to find a local support group that will help you get on your feet and get away from him, if that's what you want to do. You sound trapped and you need to find a way to free yourself.
2007-11-13 14:32:20 · answer #7 · answered by jeff b 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Conqueror your fears.
Good luck. Make sure you have a good attorney.
2007-11-13 14:29:39 · answer #8 · answered by box of rain 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
stay in it then.. at least you know what to look forward too. youve been here before...
2007-11-13 14:29:42 · answer #9 · answered by tommy 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
yeah just end it
2007-11-13 14:27:07 · answer #10 · answered by djmixah7 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋