I need relationship advice?

Question

I have been married for 7 years, most of the time has been pretty happy, although we have had our rough patches. My husband's family hates me because I was a foster child, and they think I have bad genes and are not good enough for there son. My husband suffers from depression, and his depression was so bad recently that he lost his job of 3 years during on of his episodes. Thankfully he has started back on the antidepressants and is continuing with therapy. My husband has been lying to me about big and small things and I keep catching him in the lies. I have been thinking about divorce, but I love him and made a commitment. The problem is I don't think that he is really trying to get a job or do anything with his life, he just sits home and watches television, while I work 50-60 hours a week, do the cooking and cleaning, all so that we don't lose our home. Should I get a divorce or should I stick it out? He is not willing to go for couple therapy.

He only lost his job 6 weeks ago, and up until then he had been gainfully employed the whole time I have known him. He is in therapy and has been for two years. He refuses to go to couple therapy.

Answer 1

sounds like he doesn't give a damn about the marriage. let him go back to mommy and daddy. you need to separate. let him see that you won't let him get away with this childish behavior. EVERYONE has depression these days...are you SURE that's a correct diagnosis?

Answer 2

He's not trying to get a job, he sits alone at home, he doesn't know what to do with his life because he has a mental illness called depression, lady. That's what depression does to people: it "kills" hopes, dreams, initiative, joy, present, future, everything.
Depression doesn't go away just by making an effort to get rid of it. Your husband is struggling with it, and the struggle must be damn hard. He's doing the right thing like going to counseling and taking meds. Do you know why your husband is ill now ?. I bet his " wonderful" upbringing by his uncaring parents, is the culprit.
Talk with your husband about why he's lying to you, don't accuse him, show some compassion for him. It must be difficult for you to have so much responsibility on you, tell your husband that, but please, don't add more hell to his present now. Eventually he'll recover from depression, and be in control again over his own life. Maybe you could benefit from some supportive counseling. I am not sure you both need to see a marital counselor. He's the one with depression. If you still love him show some support to him, don't punish him with a divorce: he's going through hell, it's not his fault.

Answer 3

Explain to him that you are not happy with the way things are and ask him if he feels the same. Ask what you can both do to improve the situation - each doing some give and take. Make part of your plans that he stays on the meds and gets a job in the next few months - any kind of job to help out.

If he agrees - there is some hope that you can turn this around. If not, think about kicking him out or moving out yourself and making those same things a condition of getting back together.

Family and friend support is awesome - if you can't find support in his family, look elsewhere to friends. You will need it.

I was in a relationship like this - working two jobs while still doing the housework as well. Then SHE left ME. So maybe he is not happy and is expressing it this way. Sounds like you are both not happy - bring it up and talk about it.

Answer 4

Only you can decide whether or not to get a divorce. But one thing is certain--your life is miserable! Depression is treatable. While your husband may be depressed, there's more than that going on with him. He's using his depression as an excuse and a crutch. Set some expectations for him: compliance with his medication, couples counseling, and he does the majority of the home chores while he's not working. If he refuses to comply with these expectations, then yes, get a divorce. If he won't do these things to help himself and your relationship, then he does not love you or respect you. Without love and respect, it's not a marriage. You deserve so much more!!!

Answer 5

Love is almost like being under a spell. It numbs the sences. Then one day you seem to wake up and start smelling the coffee. It hurts when you love someone so much and then realize you are basically being used. Maybe it's not intentional on his part, but then, suppose it is. His refusal to participate in counceling, get a job (which would help you both), help around the house and all the lying are all bad signs that things have turned tipsy turvy. He's got it good. Sit around all day, let my woman work while I sit on my butt and do nothing. Your commitment is great,,but Honey, it takes two. You can't do it all.

Answer 6

one second. You are dealing with someone that is suffering from depression. He has absolutely no control that is why he was prescribed meds. Look, dont think about who works and does what...understand that he's sick. Sounds to me that he might even be bipolar. I know of a situation EXACTLY LIKE YOURS. Leaving him will do 1 of 2 things... either depress him more or wont do anything to help the situation.
7 yrs is a long time, the bad thing here is that in trying to consider his condition might cause for you to ignore you and what you need.
I say ALWAYS do your best and at the end of it all, IF your best wasnt enough to make things better.....leave on a good note and contine to help him physcologically as a friend.

Answer 7

lying means you can't trust him but in marriage you have to forgive because it's just the right thing to do. i would let him know that he can not continue this behavior and expect your marriage to work. as far as his family...oh well. families always have something to say. remember your marriage vows. it's for better or worse although we don't like the worse part. this is another rough spot. hang in there and be supportive. not sure why the depression is so bad...but counseling and meds are good coupled with prayer. as a christian i believe that depression is demonic spirit similar to a possessed individual because satan is constantly whispering lies about their life and the person believes the lie and that things will not get better. if God isn't the center of your lives it should be because in some cases if depression isn't delt with can lead to suicidal thoughts and actions. But don't leave him now, he needs you.

Answer 8

Before trying to get him to go to couple therapy he HAS to get his depression in check. NOTHING is going to work in his life until he figures out the right medication for his depression. He will continue to lose jobs, continue to be a coach potato and not want to see or care even how much you are working and running the house while he sits and mopes. Depression is REAL...but it really can be taken care of too if he wants it.

Answer 9

I have been married 4 bout 13 years and my husband done the same thing and I stuck it out with him 4 the first 5 years of our marriage.He layedaround and stole money from me and one day he just started working for himself and started cleaning and cooking. He still does it today.

Answer 10

Is your husband saved ? If he is, start reading the word of God out loud to him. Anytime you have problems with your soul (mind ) you need the Word of God to pull you out of the ditch. Instead of watching the TV do things outside of the home, go to concerts, museums, take walks, things like that. Go to church. Encourage him to get an easy part time job and tell him to do small things like take out the garbage. Pray. Even pray to have more fun.

Answer 11

I can tell you right now that he is still in depression. Is he getting therapy along with his antidepressants? That usually goes hand in hand. If his family is bad to you, you could imagine what he may have went through with them.