I've committed adultery. What should I do?

Question

I have been unhappily married for 2 years and have met someone who has treated so well. We have had sex and I am actually becoming emotionally attached to this man. I am a christian - but obviously not a very good one. My husband is moving to his mother's tomorrow for a trial seperation. He doesnt know of the affair. I really dont know what to do. I believe in God and I know Im probably going to go to hell for this but I really need serious advice as to what I should do. I am a mess emotionally and terrified that God will never let me in because Im not sure if I even want to end the relationship with the other man. He treats me so very well and is completely understanding of my situation and is willing to wait for me to get my priorites straight. Please someone help me!

Answer 1

I dont care what you do. Your husband is the one I feel sorry for - It would crush me to the core if my wife betrayed me in the way you have betrayed him. Whats the point of taking vows if you just throw them away as soon as someone prettier or 'nicer' to you comes along. God - I hope you dont have any kids

Answer 2

I cannot help you with the religious aspect, but if you want a secular opinion, I think you should ask yourself why you are not able to fulfill your vows. If you do not solve the underlying problem, then you are not going to be able to have a happy relationship with the new man, either. You offered your husband lifelong monogamy, did not give him even two years of it, and are STILL not being honest with him. Maybe your husband is a jerk; I don't know. The least he deserves, however, is honesty. Make honesty with those with whom you are intimate your new priority. If you cannot provide monogamy, don't offer it. Go to your husband and tell him the truth. Tell him what you can realistically offer now. Only you know what that is. If this means the end of your relationship, STOP and be 100% sure before you offer the other man (or anyone else) monogamy and/or a lifelong relationship. Also keep in mind that this other man, who "treats you so well" (most men do in the beginning) and is "completely understanding" is also someone who is willing to have sex with a married woman, and participate in her betrayal of her husband. Not only is he dishonest, he is also telling you very clearly (by his behavior) that he either does not want a monogamous relationship, or does not think he deserves one. The latter would be a significant psychological problem. The best case scenario is that he is looking for a temporary good time, which is fine if that's all you want, too. Just don't expect more.

Answer 3

First of all, stop beating yourself up about what you've done. It's in the past and there is nothing that will change what's already been done. God knows how guilty you feel and He's also very forgiving. He also knows how unhappy you are in your marriage. I'm not saying that committing adultery is OK, but there is no sense in dwelling on it when you can't take it back. It's best not to tell your husband. I know this sounds awful, but suppose you two work things out. Now you have trust issues and you may end up more miserable than you already are. Honestly though, if you're that unhappy, end the marriage, for your sake AND your husbands. There is no sense in dragging this out if things are that unfix-able. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Answer 4

Sit down, take a deep breath, then look in the
mirror and ask yourself what is it that you really
want in life. If you truly love your husband then
the separation will give you and him the space
needed to see if the marriage will still work out.
If you still see the other man during the separation
then you will not be giving the time needed to
mend your marriage if it is repairable. If you
no longer love your husband then you should
after you give it a try to repair the marriage, get
and put in for a divorce. You will never really be
happy with two men in your life as only one man
is for one woman, and that man is the one who
will make that woman happy. Do not think that
because the other man is understanding and
sympathetic towards you that he is the one that
you want to spend the rest of your life with and
he with you. Since you are in a already rocky
relationship take care of that first and if you see
it will still not work during your separation then you
have no alternative but to get a divorce, but before
you venture with another man make sure that you
have gotten yourself together so you will not be
getting in the same situation as before .
Good luck.

Answer 5

A man who was worth his salt wouldn't have messed with a married woman--in your belief system he is not honorable and while he may treat you well, he did you a huge disservice.

Now, as for your belief system. You know, it doesn't make things all better if you say something like "I'm a Christian, just not a very good one"...there is no such thing.....You either are or you are not...there's no good Christian, bad Christian...

There are only people...there are good people and bad people. There are people who try to do the right thing and there are people who try to find excuses for doing the wrong thing...

What they choose to call themselves is really inconsequential...but sure, ok, lets just say that you are a "christian" that means that in general you are a good person who tries to do the right thing....

Well, you did the wrong thing as people sometimes do (key word above was "try")...but the question is...what happens now....do you make excuses for yourself? Do you become a bad person? Do you throw the baby out with the bathwater and say "Oh, what the heck, I already cheated...going to hell why not just do what feels good?"

That's really up to you.

In my opinion if you want to stay on the "good person tries to do the right thing" side of the road, you will work it out with the man that you married and committed yourself to. That was a promise you made before God and if you honor that commitment I am sure that under your system of belief you will be forgiven for your indiscretion...but that is religious advice, and the real point of this is--

In a marriage that generally spans 40 or 50 years (sometimes longer) there are a million distractions...the strength of character it takes for a person to not pursue the avenue that is going to stroke their ego the best at any given time is pretty significant...equally as significant is the strength of character it takes to forgive someone who has wronged you in the bounds of that union...

If you ask me you need to work it out with your husband, the man you vowed to honor and love and cherish in front of God...you owe him that, he has committed to build a life with you and he has relied upon that promise for two years now...

Not everything that "feels good" is good for us, you know. It may feel good to eat a whole chocolate lava cake but that doesn't mean it is good for you...it's time for you to make a big girl decision about your life and that is...do what is good for you, not just what feels good...because, really...what will happen when the fuzzy feelings you have for this dude wears off...will you be regretting your decision? will you be looking for the next exciting sexual encounter...the next dude that makes you feel good?

Bottom line...fix this...do it because it will make you an honorable person and that is what everyone should strive to be...and being an honorable person is pleasing to God...

Answer 6

don't tell your husband about the affair because it will only hurt him and not help in any way for him to know this about you, men are visual and he will forever be haunted of images of you with another man and maybe become violent, stalk you and your man, causing all kinds of craziness.
you are separated because you need time and apparently so does he, to sort out emotions and come to grips with how things are
you feel guilty because you are a good person who's done something that society says is wrong
you feel ashamed because you are keeping it a secret, but you should, for your husband's sake
you are confused because you are a complex human being and not easily conformed to rules that don't really make logical sense, only religious sense,

take time, enjoy your separation, deal with your own issues, question marriage all together, and don't put your eggs in the new man's basket, be independent for a while and get your head straight before you commit, other than that, keep safe, be respectful when you're out in public, don't humiliate your husband, but do enjoy the heck out of the sex you have with this new guy

Answer 7

I think you need to shift the focus from these two guys pulling you in different directions and focus on making your own path. You sought out affection from someone else because you weren't getting what you needed from your marriage. Try to think about what you truly, honestly need--don't judge these needs, just be honest with yourself. Then communicate those needs to your husband, and see how he responds. If he is unwilling to listen and try, END the marriage (especially if you don't have kids yet). If he seems willing to work on things and cares about your needs, then get counseling.

You are already in HELL with the emotional rollercoaster you're on. God doesn't want people to suffer--but life is full of suffering, especially when we make bad choices.

It's ok to need love and affection and to expect to be treated well. Work toward building a life where that's normal for you and where you can be open and honest about who you are and what you need. Good luck and God bless!

Answer 8

you aren't that scared of God. so please don't use that excuse. if you were scared, you wouldn't have had the affair.

however, having said that, this is now damage control.

let the husband go. really use the trial seperation for yourself. let the other guy go in the meantime. you need this time out to sort out what's in your head. go see a therapist. if he is willing to wait, let him wait. DO NOT TELL THE HUBBY OF THE AFFAIR. you keep quiet about that. live out your days to get yourself clear. i say give it about 6 months. at the end of those six months, you should realize who is it you can't live without. if you still want to pursue the other man, file for divorce.
then carry on from there.

Answer 9

First off god doesn't hate you. A lot of tent preachers do and will tell you that god hates you, but if you contribute to their church they will go to bat for you. If god hated you then he would not be the loving forgiving god that christians talk about. You did what you did. Think about you and what you want. Not what some one else TOLD you that you are supposed to want or do, but look deep inside yourself and see what is there. From your little blurb here it sounds like divorce and go for the happy relationship is the best approach. But much like I am saying don't listen to other people, don't take what I say as gospel, but maybe think about it. Good luck.

Answer 10

Sweetheart think with logic! If the man really cares about you, he would've never brought emotional strain on your marriage or you period he would've been your friend first and respected you as a person and never took advantage of your vulnerability!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pray and ask God for forgiveness and work on your marriage because no matter what the guy says he violated you and he really wasn't there for you in the way that you really think, no more then sex and you could had gotten yourself off for that matter! All relationships are to be healthy for you not unhealthy and that seems to be unhealthy if he helped you violate your marriage for his own selfish agenda! He should've just supported you through everything that you were going through emotionally and mentally and stayed out the mix! (Think with your heart and not your pu***)

Just keeping it real with you! Good Luck and God Bless!!!!

Answer 11

It is better to listen to God in your heart. It will also be hard to get your emotions in check - What you did with him is only fun for a season. Remember your wedding vows - for better or worse till death do you part. God don't want you family split up or you to get divorce> You have to completely separate yourself from this other man. It is going to be hard to do - cause satin wants it that way. Trust me - he (other guy) is not worth it. Also - know this without any doubt - God will forgive and you need to forgive yourself. God can also help you and your husband through this. I ll be praying for you.