Do we pick our partners from our fantasies then blame them for their reality? (can we be kinder?)?

Question

Their eyes met across a crowded room and he thought "wow she's hot, so pretty, so self effacing, so modest, so pure"

But some hours later, some days later, some weeks later...

they are just Jenny and James, in dead end jobs, bored of each other, bored of life...clinging to the first spark of attraction, living on in quiet desperation...

Do we pick our partners from our fantasies then blame them for their reality?

(can we learn to be more realistic, and kinder?)

Answer 1

First of all I really like your question because it pertains to almost all of us at some point in our lives.

To me, relationships are like a career. If you put a lot into them, you will get a lot out of them. When people retire after working many years at a job, you never hear people say, "I had a great job. I was really lazy and never did anything." What you usually hear them say is "I had a great job because I accomplished a lot." Or they might say, "I really didn't accomplish much." But the difference in how much they enjoyed their jobs was how much they put into them.

It's the same with relationships. If you never put much into your relationship and are lazy, then your relationship will become boring. But if you put a lot into it, you will get a lot out of it, and you will really enjoy it.

Some people think relationships are more like vacations than careers. In a vacation, you go to some remote location and you are lazy for a couple of weeks. You don't have to work hard to have fun; just getting out of work is fun enough. But if you could never go home from your vacation, then it would become very boring very quickly. Some people enter relationships thinking they will be like vacations, and that they will be fun even if you don't work. Some relationships are like vacations: they are fun for a couple of weeks and then they become boring. But most relationships are like careers, where you work hard at them and they become satisfying and fun, and you accomplish a lot.


Oh and one last thing: you'll be really happy when you work hard, and pick a partner who works hard too. It's not a guy or girl thing: both men and women find relationships most fulfilling when they put a lot into them and their partners do the same.

Answer 2

The "Big Bang" as I call it, the first breaths of a relationship are pretty incredible, but when all the dust settles, you are left thinking: "is that all there is" ? So many people stay in loveless relationships for a number of reasons. The fact of the matter is we have to learn to appreciate each other more. I am currently in a relationship I don't think will last simply because I am still clinging to the sparks that were created in the last relationship I had and I can't let go. I think there is a lesson to be learned here. Being disingenuous is a crime of the heart, like cheating, it steals time away from people who could otherwise be out in the world finding true love. With that said, I will probably just go to bed tonight, like most nights and be happy that I have someone who loves me so much they put up with all my crap, because in the real world sometimes having a little of something is better than nothing at all.

Answer 3

I don't really think that I do this (of course maybe I'm deluding myself here)- but I really do know the difference between fantasy and reality....fantasy involves something usually unattainable in real life. I tend to see people for what they really are, and I seek to present myself the way I really am. I hate disappointment. I think that if I practice being "real" and seeing reality, I tend to be less disappointed with myself or with others. When I was younger I suppose I was a lot more "idealistic" about things, about people....less capable of seeing the forest for the trees...but now that I'm older, I guess I'm a bit wiser. I wouldn't blame someone for not living up to "my" standards. Not unless I thought I was perfect (which I'm definitely not)...reality might not be as "fun" as fantasy, but reality is what we can count on to be genuine and that's where I find comfort.

Answer 4

Key word is "blame" -- we simply cannot know all realities at first anyway. Depends on the attitude of the people in the relationship. If we change "blame" to "learn from" or "deal with" it's a whole new concept. My wife has Muscular Dystrophy, and I knew that before we married. Theoretically, I could be feeding her after 45-50 more years. Do I know that I will enjoy that? No. Does it matter? I will, because I have chosen to love her, forsaking all others, so in such a case service will grow to become a joy. If it doesn't, that's my problem, not hers.

Hee hee -- I "knew" that I was going to marry a tall, blonde, athletic, non-Lutheran. I married a short, brunette, ultra-feminine, Lutheran. Wanna make God laugh, tell Him your plans.

Answer 5

I think that Kurt Vonnegut really hit on something in his last book when he touched on this. Often in modern day times we look for the perfect partner who will be all things to us. We are no longer as close to our extended family members now because we have become such a mechanized society. We don't seem to have time for one another. As a result we find that that one person is just not enough company. Many of the sociologists point out that males and females suffer from a lack of depth in their relationships with their same-sex buddies also. It is thought that this may contribute to the nit-picking that you're talking about. It takes more than one person to make a social life and it's easy to blame that one person for the components that are missing.

Answer 6

I think that we can learn to be more realistic and kinder, as it is a matter of choice.
For the most part, we have a romanticised notion of love and relationships, these perceptions in some ways and oftentimes obscure the fact that we are imperfect human beings, there is no individual that could possibly meet the status of the chimerical lover or companion one has created in one's mind.
For myself, it's favourable to be in a relationship where both can be lovers and friends, and on a realistic level, stimulate each other mentally, physically and emotionally to a degree in which some (or most) of the incompatibility(ies) may be tolerable.

Answer 7

I think we do have a fantasy of what our "ideal" partner should be. I certainly did. It took me a month of thinking about whether I should go out on a date with my fiance and that was just a date! I certainly didn't fit his idea of the woman he would marry, either. For one, I am a Democrat and have two cats!

I am not sure "realistic" is the word I would use. I think open-minded would be a more accurate phrase. Sometimes we don't know what is good for us till we find it.

Answer 8

It is not that relationships start in fantasy, but it is the expectations or lack of expectations that causes trouble! This is true for children too! The best book I ever read on the subject mentioned 5 needs that we should ask ourselves, is this what the other person needs? It was love, power (as in power struggles) attention, and two other things that I cannot remember!

Answer 9

How true.
Better to see someone across the crowded floor, approach and talk to them.
Normally within the first 2 minutes of meeting you are able to guage their intellect.
If nothing is sparkling in that department it doesn't matter if the girl looks like Cameron Diaz or the guy like George Clooney , you WALK AWAY.

Answer 10

This makes me think of a Sex in the City kind-of-format. Ah, but I digress. Yes 'we' pick partners based on our expectations and not from what's standing right in front of us and the biggest expectation is to somehow, magically mold them more into what we want. When 'we' realize that people don't change nor do we have the ability to actually change someone - for long - then perhaps our vision will clear.