Christian advice for struggling marriage.?

Question

My wife and I have been married for a little over 2 years, together for almost 7. About 6 months after we got married, she started having an affair. I found out about it a few months after it started, confronted her, and once she knew she was caught, admitted to it. I told her I could forgive her and let's make us work. The affair continued for about 2 months, and when it ended I was willing to take her back. It has been about a year and a half since it ended. We have not had sex since January 2006, it is not even an option for her. She refuses to even kiss me. I know that every couple has fights, but we disagree constantly, about almost everthing. I think the no sex thing is a big deal, she does not. We both make good money, but we are both in our mid 20s and have college debt. We have a nice house, and she's able to get anything she wants. I'm trying everything I can, when does divorce become an option? Also, she says that if I quit smoking, she will want to have sex.

Answer 1

I believe that you both need to seek counselling, either from a pastor or a Christian Counselling Service. Look on the internet for this service, or in the yellow pages of your telephone book under Christian Counselling. She is probably very guilt-ridden for what she's done, and is having a very hard time forgiving herself. Your quitting smoking is not going to solve your problems, there is a "root" to these problems and you both need help in finding out the underlying issues. I strongly encourage you to take the lead in seeking help, as I'm sure you love her very much and do not want to lose her. God bless you both, and I'll be praying for both of you!!!

Lovingly,
Virginia

Answer 2

It seems to be her way or no way, which is so unfair on you.After having the affair she should be making it up to you,showing you how much you are the man she wants.Her strops are typical of a woman with a side to them that's never grown up and she sounds spoilt.You have forgiven her.now's the time to step up to the table, 'lay your cards down' and ask if it's you she really wants.
Sex deprivation in a marriage is a serious thing, as it's an expression of love and constant communication,It shouldn't be used as a weapon against you.She can't use your smoking as an excuse because that's emotional blackmail.
You need the help of a counsellor and then if she doesn't change, you need to think are you worth more than this shabby treatment....yes you are.
incompatibility,her adultery and constant neglect are grounds for divorce.
May God Bless you and comfort you at this distressing time.

Answer 3

This is a tough problem. I would say the counseling would be helpful. There needs to be more of a committment on her part it sounds like. To be honest, there are some things that are a turn-off for some people...smoking is one of them. But, if you were smoking before and it was not a problem..and now suddenly is, I would say she is making excuses. That is not unconditional love. Sounds like if that was taken care of then another problem would come up.
Good communication and the feeling of security is high on the list for a good relationship for most women. If there are any issues here, I would concentrate on this....even if you need to just ask directly....like "do you feel we communicate enough and do you feel secure with me?" If she says no, then ask her to tell you what would make it better. Ask her to be specific and don't argue....just listen...REALLY listen!
Having a Christian home with God at the center is the best security you could have. I will pray for your marriage. God can bring about things we thing are impossible. Trust Him and always put Him first.


† On-call Prayer Warrior †

Answer 4

I think that any relationship takes two working together! Its hard to label on one thing like not having sex or smoking are the real issues. What helped me struggling with the same things that must be running through your mind is do a time line of the relationship. You have to be honest with yourself even though you might not agree but little things differences between you and your wife. If there are things that you can do like stop smoking then do it, but if you do all the things that you come up with and things don't change then you can say you did your best and move on.

Its a shame but sometimes we are not compatible with our spouse. It sounds like you are already forgiven her if you can be that way when you go your on separate ways would help in the healing process. Sometimes we see others in a difference light during the dating process vs being married.

Seek out help for yourself its hard but God forgives you because he loves you. Good luck

Answer 5

Any woman who uses sex as a weapon as your wife is doing--is a toxic and controlling person.

She doesn't sound like she actually repented.

I'm not sure what it would take for you to face what she is doing is abusive and against God.

In Corinthians--it says that a husband's body is not his own and a wife's body is not her own.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5, "Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency."

This scripture is a clear warning that doing such things CAUSES "incontinency"--which is Lack of self-control....what does lack of self-control lead to? Adultery.

She is putting you under a great temptation. A man has a natural sex drive caused by testosterone. It is your right as a husband to have a wife who will share her body with you and NO ONE else.

I seriously think she is still finding sex outside of the marriage--or has some major issues surrounding sex that have NOTHING to do with you or your smoking.

She is DEFRAUDING you according to the scriptures and this is a greivous sin. She is destroying her marriage and her life.

Nearly everyone here has said, "christian counseling" or "pastor"--

I'll tell you what--you face her with this. Tell her if she can not render due benevolence unto you as a christian wife then you can divorce her on the grounds of estrangement of affection.

This is a hideous and torturous thing to do to anyone--outside of a real physical malady or mental issue the person is willing to work on--there is no reason for this other than her own (hidden) reasons. She is either manipulative and/or controlling or in serious need of deliverance and repentance and getting away from her lover(s).

I hope and pray that she will expose her self and her true motives and the truth of this situation will no longer be hidden from you.


I pray for you to have the strength to face the truth.

******Seriously, I want to give you a warning--someone like this--would be willing to have consensual sex with you and then cry rape. I'd be very careful.

Answer 6

Well once your spouse cheats on you, and you forgive them and lie down with them, then you're committed to try and work out your differences. Yet, you are both young, and young people have lots of sex. So it makes me wonder if she's still cheating or is she just not attracted to you, and I don't mean to sound harsh. I'm just stating the truth because I am dealing with a very similiar issue because my husband doesn't touch me either, and has just admitted as of NOV. 12th, that he was having an affair. I say get marriage counseling. See if she will open up to them about her issues. Don't just give up. I've also learned that a man or wife should never use sex as a weapon or a compromise.

Answer 7

You guys are unequally yoked....that is an issue. is she just using you????(not sure)
But Sex is a big part of marriage esp..for men because that is where stress lies with men(don't ask me thats what I have heard and think that it is true) anyways...My husband is a smoker and Christian as well and that is between Him and God. I try to be a submissive wife and at my husbands side for encouragement and I respect Him. God mended us together and we became one. Yes we have our litlle issues but I do not "cut him off" if he makes me mad....so like someone stated there is a root from something and it needs to be dealt with or you might as well give up and go on with your life...I have been married only 10 years and I am 29 been through alot but I ALWAYS respected Him and love him.
This is sad and I pray that God guides your footsteps....this is very hard and your more merciful than I would be. OK I will just pray for You because where two or more are gathered in Jesus's Name He will be in the Midst.....
Lord, I pray that you direct this marriage with truth and get rid of the stuff that is holding both of these two apart and mend them back together if there is no way at all for this marriage to continue give them peace and allow them to be mature about it and go their seperate ways. Lord what You put together let NO man tear apart-Your Word says that- then I say if YOU O Lord put this Marriage together than IT will Not be divided. Lord I pray selfishness and High expectations to be dropped and allow Your TRUTH to come in and restore if this is YOUR Will. Thank You Father God that there will be a sudden revelation for this man and woman on where this relationship will take them.
In Jesus's Mighty Name We Pray,

AMEN!!
Sir this is more than just an affair its called adultery and You as a Christian MAN should not let this continue. I know you love her but Love does NOT commit adultery and manipulate. (Leave that to the Soap Operas:)


†Every Day Prayer Warrior†

Answer 8

Smoking is not a good Christian thing since your body is God's temple... However, adultery is the only thing the bible mentions as freeing your from the bonds of marriage and that you have in this case. It is great that you were so forgiving and gave her another chance but that chance has not paid off. College debt should not be the issue, your mental and spiritual health is. Talk to your minister first for some spiritual counseling. Get a lawyer and move on.

Answer 9

I agree somewhat with LOS, you should seek help from your church and Christian brethren. There are great faith-based counseling out there. Would she be willing to go? Remember, you DO have some ownership in this problem (even if its only 10%) and you need to work on that. But if you both could agree to getting help to make your marriage biblically sound, you BOTH can be healed. AND, don't forget to pray. GOD BLESS YOU NOW!

Answer 10

God can fix this. I just know that both of you have to be willing to forgive each other and yourselves for anything that has happened. And the forgiving ourselves sometimes is the hardest. Definitely need solid Christian Marriage Counselor. Not someone you know that would take sides either. If she is willing to go to counseling then that is a great start. God Bless you and will pray right now for you and your wife.


† About His Business Prayer Warrior †