Is change possible?

Question

I am a young man (early 20s) suffering immensely from sexual attration to men. Thus far I have never acted on my attractions and never wish to do so.

Instead, I am hoping and praying I will be able to overcome these attractions and be straight. I know I cannot function as a homosexual, because for me the shame, guilt, STD risk, and religious consequences are too great for me to ever be happy in this way of life.

So do you believe change is possible? And if so, how can I change?

This question is serious and desperate and I do not mean to cause anyone offense.

Answer 1

"I know I cannot function as a homosexual, because for me the shame, guilt, STD risk, and religious consequences are too great for me to ever be happy in this way of life."

*sigh*
A problem not uncommon in the homosexual community... but Im sorry to say you cannot change your orientation. Its how youre made.

You CAN pretend to be straight.. or you can be celibate. No one says you MUST be a sexual creature.

You WILL continue to have homosexual thoughts all your life though.

I think in the end you will realize that its harder trying to be something you are not than dealing with the guilt and the shame and the religious consequences.

I wish you luck.
I wish you happiness.
I wish you peace of mind.

.

Answer 2

Hi Connor,

Let me answer that in three sections ---

One -- There is nothing that says that you must be sexual - or care about others in the form that leads to close friendships or love relationships. I'm sorry that you feel badly about yourself -- there is an RC group called Courage which understands that celibacy is really the only alternative -- and which doesn't attempt to exploit its members like (IMHO) most or all of the fundamentalist groups do.

Two -- Your feelings are not going to change. Pathela et. al clearly show in "Discordance between Sexual Behavior and Self-Reported Sexual Identity: A Population-Based Survey of New York City Men" Annals of Internal Medicine; 19 September 2006 | Volume 145 Issue 6 | Pages 416-425 that even in today's world, 2/3rds of homosexual men continue to pretend to be straight, even while having regular male/male sex. Thus, some people, convinced that they should feel shame and so forth -- go BACK into that closet -- but no one changes what they actually feel. Your feelings are going to be there forever.

Three -- It is sad to assume that you can never be happy as who you are and who you were made. I disagree, and think you can; and I hope that you will at least think very seriously about those possibilities.

Do you really want to live out your life in self-denial and loneliness? Wouldn't you rather be happy and loved by someone who you actually desire? There is nothing wrong with being gay, there is nothing wrong with you. You are wonderful -- just as you have been made.

Kindest regards,

Reyn
[e-mail]

Answer 3

You don't mean to cause offense? Okay let me be quite frank with you. If you did somehow manage to change, you be the first successful person I've ever known to do that. I do not feel being gay is shameful, anything to feel guilty about, I practice safe sex so my risk of std is NOT that great, and as for religious consequences, God Love ME!! HE MADE ME THIS WAY!!! So in conclusion, no I don't think you can change, I think you need to learn to accept who and what you are, or else you are going to lead a miserable, unhappy existence of a life. I'm serious, I mean no offense by this!! :@)

Answer 4

I don't think that changes at that fundamental level are possible. You can suppress your urges and tell yourself that you are not gay, but who you are will always be there.
The STD risk is not really that much greater as a gay man than as a straight man if you are safe and even less if you are monogamous and safe.
As for the shame, guilt and religious consequences, I think you have to come to terms with them in your own way. There is nothing shameful in feeling and expressing love for another human being. We cannot choose who we fall in love with or who we find sexually attractive any more than we can choose the month or country we were born in.
If this isn't the answer you were hoping for, there are plenty of people who will tell you the opposite. I suspect, though, that deep down you know the answer yourself.
I don't think you can choose your sexuality, but you can choose whether or not to pursue happiness. It might be worth trying some counselling help you to come to terms with who you are and that being gay really isn't the awful short straw that you currently seem to think it is.

Answer 5

Connor,

Change is possible, but not of your sexual orientation--just of your acceptance of yourself. You can continue to live in fear and self-loathing, or you can accept that these attractions are an essential, immutable part of who you are and who you were meant to be. Your sexuality is not as a result of some mistake, malformation, or deformation; it is a perfectly natural human variation. You are an undeniably valuable person, and as soon as you can come to terms with being gay, you will begin to realize the fullness of your tremendous potential. Especially considering your concern for the religious implications of being gay, I believe the following information will give you aid and comfort.

"How Can I Be Sure That God Loves Me, Too?"
(video)
http://www.soulforce.org/article/mel-white-sermon-video

"What's Morally Wrong with Homosexuality?"
(video)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=OPzso1OOTPM

"A Letter to Louise: A Biblical Affirmation of Homosexuality"
(essay)
http://www.godmademegay.com/Letter.htm

"The Great Debate"
(essay)
http://www.gaychristian.net/justins_view.php

"Homosexuality: The Debate Is Over. The Verdict Is In. Not a Sickness! Not a Sin!"
(video)
http://www.soulforce.org/article/homosexuality-debate-verdict-video

"Letter from VT Mom"
(op-ed)
http://www.gfcbaltimore.org/GFC_VT_Mom.htm

A report on the dangers of "ex-gay" therapy
(PDF)
http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/reports/reports/YouthInTheCrosshairs.pdf

I have every confidence that you will conquer your fears and become comfortable with yourself. If you ever want to talk, don't hesitate to contact me. I'll help in any way that I can.
(Oh, and I apologize for the wisecrack I made in my response to your question about HIV.)

Answer 6

You can repress your emotions, take it up with some poor straight woman (or possibly a closet lesbian) that doesn't know what's going on. You'll tell her you love her and she'll believe you. Then, when you've grown up a little, when we're living in a future world much more tolerant than the one you know today, you'll divorce her, leaving her heartbroken and suicidal, a single mother, and leaving you feeling horrible about yourself.

But you can't change.

Answer 7

No, it's not possible. Why do you want to suppress who you are?

And for the record, you will hear lots of "my friend changed" stories, but I challenge you to find someone who actually "changed" themselves. The truth is, you can put a mask on and cover who you really are, but you'll still be the same person with the same feelings.

Answer 8

Who said you need to change?
While you have attractions toward men you did not say you do not have attractions toward women.
Perhaps all you are doing is going through a stage of wonderment and curiosity.
You do not sound as if you have much experience with either.

Answer 9

No, I do not. I FIRMLY believe that you cannot change being gay than I can being straight, having brown hair or being 6 feet tall or having a liver, two eyes and a nose.
Its the way you were programmed. Embrace it, live it, love it. Just do so carefully.
Oh yea, not all religions condemn being gay.

Answer 10

Connor. It is not wrong. What you are feeling is not wrong. If you deny who you are, you will never be truly happy. Being true to yourself is the best thing you can do. I recommend you seeing a therapist and discuss your feelings. I wouldn't recommend speaking with clergy because it sounds like due to your religious beliefs, they will only make you feel worse.