my second marriage broke up and she had a daughter. i had a lot of problems with her and her mother not accepting me fully into the kids life. they wanted me to because the kid had no father so i did but then if i tried to discipline the kid like my own 2, they would say i was too harsh (however i wasnt. i witnessed her and her mother lay into the kid and it was a lot worse than anything i would do). finally things broke down and we are divorcing. I know i've got two kids that i only have part time but i think if i'm with another woman seriously again, i'm going to stick to ones without kids. i know i have them but i don't have mine all the time and i'd be able to spend a lot of time with her and i am not looking for a mother. they already have one. think this is selfish of me? i just can't do it i don't think. I want the woman and i's relationship to be a priority first. if you're single without kids, what do you think? think i'm being unreasonable?
2007-11-13 06:45:15 · 24 answers · asked by surviving 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
by the way i do put my kids first but if i ever met a woman that was the absolute love of my life and we trusted and respected each other, the kids would know the marriage comes first and we will always be there for them but they will be out of the house some day and marriage should be first. i think a lot of single parents really concentrate too much on the kids and they grow up spoiled and without a sense of what really actually came first...the marriage before the kids.
2007-11-13 06:47:03 · update #1
You are free to follow your preference. It is neither right nor wrong to choose to date a person who has no children, and you are not selfish or unreasonable for doing what seems right in this case. Who you date is entirely up to you. However, bear in mind that there are women who also choose not to date men with children for similar reasons, even if the dad only has the children part time. Step-parenting is a tightrope walk, and it's difficult to get just the right balance for everyone's best interest. You may find, as time passes, that you meet someone who you wish to date whose children are grown. Once adult children have established independence outside the parent's household, the dynamics change completely.
2007-11-13 06:58:58 · answer #1 · answered by reap100 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you are absolutely right. You can't worry what is wrong or right in other people's eyes. YOu can pick and choose who YOU want to marry. The people who are naysayers are not the ones living your life.
In fact I think you are being very UNSELFISH in not wanting another woman with children.
And this comes from ME, a woman who has been married 3 times and a child from EACH marriage.
You have to been there, done that to know what others are going thru.
In NOT dating or marrying women with children, you will have more time and more of everything else to focus on YOUR children and YOUR wife and not have the added stress that other children bring.
Some men MIGHT be ok with other women's children and this is OK for them, but this won't work for EVERYONE. You have to make the choice that is right for YOU.
Yea people will say you are being selfish, but why get into ANOTHER marriage with MORE kids just because OTHER people said it's the RIGHT thing to do?
THen you will be on HERE again asking advice cause THAT marriage didn't work.
If it didn't work this time, it most likely won't work the next time.
Don't forget that if and when you do choose another woman, make sure that they will be good to YOUR kids!!
2007-11-13 06:56:39 · answer #2 · answered by jdeekdee 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Communication problems destroy a lot of relationships. Some people are better at communicating than others. Yes, it is quite possible that some of the people who initiate divorce (women and men) have not really tried to make it work. The couple has not created a communication system that works for them. They, perhaps, cannot really accept each other for who the other person is. I do know at least one woman who initiated divorce in a situation where they may have sorted things out with some more work and some counselling but she chose not to take that route. I also know a couple who are attending counselling and it doesn't seem to be working as they cannot seem to meet each others' needs. They will probably wind up divorced but they are trying. The reality is that people should not make assumptions about each other. They should ask. People should not assume that their expectations for marriage are the same as their partner's, they should discuss it before they get married so no one is caught off guard by fantasies not being reality.
2016-05-22 23:54:47 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I believe you have been ill-treated and the scar runs deep. Not every single woman with kids will let her kids or anything to do with them get in the way of the relationship. You do have to understand the importance and the place of the children, but seeing that you have 2 of your own this shouldn’t be any issue. The problem runs on both your opinions and your views on the subject. You have to care and want for the same things. Otherwise it doesn’t matter if she has or not children. Dating a woman without children on the other hand might be a double edge sword because she might not understand your relationship and obligations to them. Think about that.
2007-11-13 08:07:33 · answer #4 · answered by ~Becks~ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would think you need to get finsished with the divorce before thinking of the next person you are going to be with. That said, there's nothing wrong with you being involved with a woman with kids. Its not all about discipline and whomever you wind up with may tell you they want to be full time Daddy, but they will always hold in reserve that you aren't. And bit of advice, next time keep the marriage between you and your wife. At least half the problem probably stemmed from a 3 way relationship involving your mother-in-law.
2007-11-13 07:35:07 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your marrige to their mother came first, then the kids came along. Your first responsibility is to your children until they are grown. Both you and your ex should have disicpline planned out and work together to raise your children to be good upstanding adults, and this can be done without spoiling them. When the kids are grown then find the love of your life, and remember just because your kids are grown, doesn't mean they don't need both of their parents. You don't have to put your life on hold, but you have to make sure they know that you are there for them. If you meet a woman, that can be explained and if she doesn't go along with that then you know she isn't the right one. Same way with the woman, if she has kids they have to be grown before she can commit to a man.
2007-11-13 06:56:07 · answer #6 · answered by LIPPIE 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No you are not unreasonable. Being a step-parent is never easy. Especially if the non-custodial biological parent is still involved. Any woman with children will not put your relationship first, she can't, she has to put the children first. They will always be a part of her life. This should be evident to you by now after filing for divorce. The key to a successful relationship is balancing all the relationships with the children and the spouse. If I were to lose my spouse, I'd be more worried about finding a responsible man to accept my children and me. We are a package, I wouldn't accept any thing less. A spouse can be replaced, a child is yours forever.
2007-11-13 07:00:19 · answer #7 · answered by Jana 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are happier with a woman who has no children then be happy. Being in a blended family is very hard. First of all the step parent usually does not treat the step children the same as there kids. I see it with my husband and my son he treats him totally different then his own. His son has done things way worse then mine but he disciplines my son way more harsh then his own. I think also because the Dad usually has his children every other weekend and has the step children almost everyday that there is a lot of guilt
2007-11-13 06:51:17 · answer #8 · answered by luvlisteningtomusic 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
No it's not I will not date men with children that are young for that very reason...my children are 25 and26 I don't want to raise any more..ya know the ..your not my mother don't tell me what to do thing..I've seen it but will not participate in that kind of relationship..It makes it hard to find some one though..I'm only 43 and ppl tell me I look mid to lower 30"s but let's face it most ppl my age don't have children 25 and 26 ...I started early..good luck with finding a women that doesnt have kids or one who wants one. I've been divorced for 12 yrs now and it's hard to find ppl that dont have children and if you do they dont have any and want some children.
2007-11-13 07:05:41 · answer #9 · answered by sweetness 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that if you put limitations like "kids" on who you date, you miss out on a lot of potential for good relationships.
I can understand putting limitations in place such as:
-she must have values similiar to your own
-she must have interests similiar to your own
and such. It sounds like the problem in your last marriage wasn't that the lady had children, but that you and she didn't share the same moral and ethical base, and had different values. I don't think it would've worked even if she HADN'T had kids.
That's my opinion, I hope it provides you a different perspective to consider. Best wishes.
2007-11-13 06:55:35 · answer #10 · answered by kyeri y 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋