I need your help. I am struggling with my stepson, 16. He announced last night that he basically can't stand me any longer. It has really cut me to the bone and left me feeling taken out at the knees.
I have always loved this child as my own and will continue to do so but it really hurts to hear him say the things he does. I told him that his anger will NOT keep me from loving him, doing for him and being there for him. I have faced greater challenges than an angry teenager. He says that he wants nothing to do with me because I have betrayed him but cannot tell me what it is that I have betrayed him over!! I really feel that this stems from his mother and how she feels about me as a part of his life. (We used to be best friends but she has become an evil person that I don't know any longer.) I don't know how to battle this war.
Any help or just plain moral support. I have cried for hours and now cannot see out of my swollen eyes.
Sandy :O(
2007-11-13 05:12:10 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Polls & Surveys
His dad is wonderful and is addressing the issue but at the same time is having to deal with my feelings. He is in an awkward situation and I don't want to wedge him between his son and me.
I have known the 16 year old since he was 9 so he is not new to me.
I am posting in this in P&S since most of you know me and can tell I am really serious about my question and need your support.
2007-11-13 05:13:41 · update #1
Oh you have my full support! I to have a stepson...he is 26 now. But when he was about 14 or so he decided he no longer had to deal with me..I was not his mom. So he was very angry...rude..etc. I cried many many nights..then realized this was not my problem. He was acting out...so I decided to be very nosey! I found that his entire additude had much to do with his mom..telling him he did not have to listen to me..so I made a point for her and I to meet in a public place..no arguing allowed..we talked..even found out we need not dislike each other..we both needed to help him get over this anger..etc.
So with both of us more on track and on speaking terms..we discovered he had some new friends who were very bad influences...seemed these young boys could do what ever they wanted..so my discipline was really making him more and more resentful..then I also discovered he was drinking..and smoking weed...all were affecting him and making him someone I did not know. So I did what I heard worked..tough love! It does work!!!!! I no longer worried about his opinion of me or what he said! He had rules..he did what he was told..he was made to stay home..work at the house..etc. etc. And I stopped trying to be his friend..I needed to be a parent...a friend he did not need. Sure enough it was not easy, but things slowly changed and all for the better!!
He now brings these things up and thanks me all the time, for all I did..he said he would have just gone wild and become a loser had I not been like a General!!!!! LOL! He use to call the house Ft. Knox....and believe me it was.
As for the betrayal part...did he confide anything to you? It may have seemed small to you and you may have said something...to your husband..try to think...a 16 yr old believes all issues are huge! If you cannot think of anything, then he possibly is using this as a way to hurt you and make you feel guilty, do not allow it! If that works believe me, he will do more..for he then has the control.
I hope I have helped. But know this we are here for you.!
2007-11-13 07:13:22 · answer #1 · answered by bodacious baby 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have a 17 year old son and he is my natural son and he and I are extremely close and talk about everything together! BUT Im sure there r times when he may love me but totally hates me at the same time! he has been mad and said some really crappy things to me that hurt me terribly BUT in my heart I know its his hormones and was said out of anger. He does eventually say he is sorry though. Being a step mom to a teen is hard- being his real mom is hard too! Your on the right track- just always let him know that u r sorry if there was something he felt u betrayed him on- let him know as u have that no mattewr what he says, no matter what happens u will always be there for him. That u will always love him. He will come around- I promise. it may have something to do with his mom- I mean she was your best friend and now u r married to her EX hubby. Im sure that totally hurt her alot and it comes thru her son too. He may feel betrayed that u married him when he always hoped his parents would get back together and that normal for him to feel that way. Just let him know he is loved and u r there for him. Make it so u and he have one day together where u go and grab a bite to eat or rent some movies and have a night just for him. My son and I do this once a week and its so wonderful. Soon he will be gone so let him know much he is loved while u do have him with you!
2007-11-13 13:32:02 · answer #2 · answered by madeintheusa1234 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am having the same problems with my real son. I have always been there for him in everything he does but all of a sudden those teenage mood swings changed how he treats me and the way he talks to me. I think it is easier for the boys to take it out on the mother or in your case step mother because we are female and they know no matter how much they hurt us emotionally we won't turn our backs on them as fathers are more rigid and won't put up with it. I am praying for the teen years to be over and for him to return to normal. But until then (and I know well how hard this is) don't take it too personal) they feel they need to blast off at someone and they do it to us because they know we will always love them. I hope both your and my situation change. If it gets to be too much try family counseling. Good luck hun
2007-11-13 13:43:46 · answer #3 · answered by Deedee 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was the same kinda teen your stepson is now. I was rotten to my parents...just knew so much..I thought..How my parents stayed married during my teen years was a testament to their love for each other and me. it took me having children of my own before I was able to really talk to my parents and apologize for all the wrongs I did. My mom always laughed and said that I would have a child just like me one day. My second son is...we went thru those rough times at 16 too. Mouthing off all the time to me...really bad times. He left my house at one point...harder for me than him and went with friends. He would call occassionally...and then one day after about a year he called and asked to come home. He did and we finally have a really good relationship to this day.
Hang in there...keep telling him you will always love him and be there for him...pray for him...keep communicating with hubby...know that you are not alone...come back for reassurance from friends when you need it..we are here for ya!!! good luck and i will pray for you all.
2007-11-13 20:34:23 · answer #4 · answered by Nurse Susie ♥ hugs 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Some people feel like accepting someone else other than their biological parent is something to be ashamed of when this is not really the case. I think that this is what is happening to him. he may be very close to his mother and perhaps she is using this to her benefit. If what you are saying is the truth ( and i trust that it is) you need to sit him down, talk to him. tell him that by simply ignoring the issue and not telling you exactly why he hates you, the issue will be a part of his life forever.
I wish you luck. take care. be strong.
2007-11-13 13:19:21 · answer #5 · answered by ? 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Be strong. Time will pass and your stepson will grow out of this phase. You are being a great stepmom by not giving in to the instinct to mirror back what he is feeling. It will pass and I think it's commendable that you are not lashing out at him like some other stepmoms might. Good for you!
2007-11-13 14:21:52 · answer #6 · answered by smt 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe his friends did the same thing to their parents and he wanted to act cool.. I have no idea. My brother is 16 and he has never done anything like that, but it might be the groups of friends he hangs out with. You should talk to his friends. So good luck with him :D
2007-11-13 13:18:00 · answer #7 · answered by Catlover 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
16 is a time of rebellion. And, as you stated, his mother is also a huge influence, who I would say is playing on and using his natural rebellious period. My dear, though it is going to be tough, keep loving him, because it will pass. And, remember, through it all, you have my love and support!
2007-11-13 18:40:40 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
figure out a way to find out how u betrayed him...if he doesnt tell u u'll be in the dark... once u find that you can work with it and move forward and try to make your relationship better
2007-11-13 13:17:37 · answer #9 · answered by I Love Me!!! 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
he's 16....that is all i have to say except...dont blame his mother you say anything wrong about his mom you will just make things worse. good luck its a tough situation.
2007-11-13 13:17:06 · answer #10 · answered by puppy love 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋