Why doesn't he want sex?

Question

I'm 25, husband 28, married 3 months. He's TOTALLY not into sex- once or twice a month at most, and I would much rather more often. He says he can't get turned on by me b/c I don't listen to him, but I think that's a crock. His sex drive has been almost nothing for almost two years now, and he likes to tell me that I'm unusual for wanting sex as often as I do. Which, btw, is two or three times a week. Started a huge fight the other day because I realized he was masturbating in the shower while I was waiting for him to go out. I'm very pissed that he has a sex drive for his own hand and not for me....any advice?

I've thought of both maybe he doesn't feel like he can perform (definitely has a little probably staying hard) and maybe he's gay...how do I know if he's gay??

I'm totally fine with porn, and watching it together... i understand what you're saying about maybe my attitude stinks, but honestly, I've only become not understanding in the past few days. I 've always just thought we'd work through it, but he never has any new reasons, or any sort of reasons that make any sense.

yellowcoat, that's a good point about compromise...i have talked to him about it, and he says he feels like I'm using him for sex, or that every time I touch him at all he thinks I want sex. he says he does not want to compromise because it's his body to give to me if he wants to. which i partially agree with.

and i know the whole thing about not listening him, trust me when i say that we've talked about it. he is not able (or not willing) to be specific about WHAT I am not listening to him about. he just keeps repeating that I'm not listening to him ABOUT not listening to him! and i get it that men have a harder time expressing what they're thinking, but what we're going through with these circles is getting is nowhere.

i know it was an issue before. i guess i just thought it would get better (he told me it would, and i believed so too) but it just recently came to a point where i realized, '****, i'm 25 years old, educated, hard-working, intelligent, attractive, and fun- there is absolutely no reason why i shouldn't be having sex with my husband.'

Answer 1

My first recommendation would be to get him to a doctor, particularly an endocrinologist. They could determine if this problem is related to his hormones & glands, & if it may be something which could adversely affect his overall health & well-being. If those check out, he may need to see a psychiatrist to see if there's a reason for his behavior. In my opinion, it's abnormal to not want sex at 28, but I'm 33 & I still want it as often as I did when I was half my age. I guarantee you if I were married only 3 months, I would be trying to get laid AT LEAST daily... unless she started talking babies already. No quicker way to kill a man's libido unless he wants children, too.

Now, there are other possibilities, some of which have already been mentioned. There is the possibility of homosexuality on his part, & he's using you as his cover. There's also the possibility he is having an affair. I would say that would likely be confirmed if he refuses to seek medical help for his low libido. It could be that he's also just not attracted to you, & may be using you for some reason, such as financial stability. The sad thing is you made one of the biggest mistakes a woman can make: getting married believing a man would change. If you already knew his libido was incompatible with yours, you needed to accept that this would be a factor in your marriage before the big day, or not get married. If he isn't willing to seek medical attention to rectify this problem, you're left with few viable choices. You'll either have to accept him as he is & love him regardless of the lack of physical intimacy, or divorce him & make sure the next man you marry has, among other qualities, a libido comparable to your own. Sex may not be everything, but I can honestly tell you I couldn't marry a woman unless she was a borderline nymphomaniac, because if I want to spend all my time in the shower with Rosie Palm, I'll stay single. I wish I had your husband's dilemma.

On one final note, your sex drive is not abnormal. I wish more women had unusually high sex drives, but I could settle for a woman who was at least up for 2-3 times per week. The fact that he keeps trying to make you think this is your problem is what makes me most suspicious. Often, men who do this are doing so in an attempt to hide their own guilt from their wives. When a man is cheating, who does he try to blame? He may have some sort of sexual dysfunction, & he may be so ashamed that he's trying to make you think you are the dysfunctional person in the relationship. He honestly may not realize that he could drive you out of his life by doing this to you. So, if he won't take your suggestions for medical evaluation under consideration, I believe you have no choice but to confront him. Even if he isn't having an affair, he's hiding something from you. He will try to make you believe you have the problem, so you must stand your ground. Let him know that for young newlyweds to not be having sex often is abnormal, & for you to desire your new husband is perfectly normal. Make sure you let him know you won't believe any longer that you are the one with the problem. I have to say this may ultimately lead to a divorce, but I seriously wonder if this marriage should have happened in the first place. Best of luck.

Answer 2

You say you have been married for 3 months and this has been going on for 3 years, so this was the situation long before you married him right?
So what did you expect? Marriage would make it all better? Or that when married you could make him do it? Did you honestly go into marriage with expectations of something more than you had before marriage?
Lady you knew this wass a problem long before you married the guy!
Now if you want to try to salvage this marriage you need some help! Professional help. You both need to see a qualified counselor and the sooner the better. Perhaps you can work through this problem. Maybe he has problems but lady you better get prepared for the fact that it may be you causing the problem. I don't know whether it is you, him or both of you and the possible causes are really to numerous to mention.
All I can tell you is get professional help now or get a divorce. And to you and everyone reading...Never go into a relationship with such unrealistic expectations ---- NEVER!

Answer 3

Oof...that sounds like a tricky situation. If I were in your shoes I would be extremely upset as well if I caught him masturbating under those circumstances. This is exactly a reason I would never marry someone before having sex with them; you might be compatible on every other level but what are you to do if you aren't both in tune while in the sack?
I have a couple of suggestions:
1) Even if you think it sounds like a steaming pile of bullshit, try sitting down with him and have him explain what he means by "you don't listen to him". It might mean he isn't feeling comfortable with you because perhaps you dismiss his ideas or feelings sometimes without even realizing it. Or, it might be as easy as you don't "listen to him" when you're both getting it on and he isn't having a pleasureful time because "you're doing it to hard" or "your leg is the wrong way". Relationships are give and take, and the best, if not the ONLY way for two people to figure out what's wrong is to TALK about it! I bet neither of you are psychics ;)
2) If that still doesn't work, you might want to approach him about you having sexual relations with someone else. A close friend preferably. I know that sounds kind of out there, but it's not that uncommon. Explain to him that you don't love him any less, and you aren't going to this person for love or support. It's just for sex. Make sure it's someone you both approve of and trust so that you're both as comfortable as possible.
Hope that helps and good luck!

Answer 4

My husaband and I went through the same thing at about the same time 3-4 months into the marriage. After the fights we finally sat down and talked about it and he said he was having a hard time being a hunsband and didn't know how to not be selfish. I told him he better pull his head out of his a** because I wasnt going to deal with it much longer, after a couple more weeks of no sex he said it was because he was selfish and had a hard time adjusting to marriage (who doesnt?) but he really did make an effort to try and be a "husband". Now things are 10000 times better. It just took adjustment and me putting my foot down. I dont know if that will work for your husband but I hope you do find something that helps because I know how horrible it is not knowing why he doesnt "want" you.

Oh yea has he had his testosterone levels tested? My hubby had low levels at the same time which was contributing to the low sex drive. Took some pills and since then the levels have been normal.

Answer 5

I know it sounds crazy but maybe hes telling the truth?
When i used to give my husband a hard time about sex he retreated then i read The Surrendered Wife book and i saw that i was teating him like a child and he didn't really want to have sex with his mother!
I'm not as mad as i sound since i started reading the book and treating him like a man instead of like a child we've gone from once a month (if i was lucky) to 4 or 5 times a week!!!!!

Answer 6

Since you have discussed thing with him and are not getting anywhere, I would suggest marital counseling. Some times having someone to listen to both sides and mediate really helps. Obviously there is something bothering him that he can't express, maybe a counselor can help open the lines of communication.
Good luck!

Answer 7

Well, honestly you say that's crock. But us "men" do like for the women we are with to listebn to us. We may be very talkative but when we are we expect our significant others to pay attention.. He may feel that you are not his equal( therefore not sexual motivated). All you have to do is make the guy believe you depend on him and need him. but don't be "needy" at the same time. I am sure that after a couple days his sexual drive will pick back up.

Answer 8

i understand girl. my man's the same way, well not 1-2x a month, but a lot less than when i want it. first of all, i've accepted that we have different libios and am willing to work on our relationship.

A: i just KNOW i will not get actions as much as i would like. that's that.

B: i work on seducing him, rather than asking him for sex, which used to turn into begging for sex; now, i'm more calms and accept no.

C: i've spoken with him about compromise. just like i have to accept the fact that he will not want it as much as i do, he has to accept the fact that i will want to more, and WE have to come to a compromise. we discussed what we like in bed, some of the reaons he's not in the mood, and what we can do about.

now, i'm preggers and not in the mood to belly flop all around; prior, we started having it at LEAST 1x a week, which was part of the compromise.


ps. w/ the hand job, sometimes guys are just lazy and dont want to do it, so they masturbate. all guys give themselves hand jobs, even if they have sex everyday or something. whenme and my boyfriend werent doing it, i know he was still relieveing himself. it's like their daily medicine or something.

pps. watch porn when you're horny and he's not--porn gets ya though the rough days.

ppps. when i stopped asking some much, i did get more action.

*in response: that's what my boyfriend said to me...he said that he felt like everytime i touched him i wanted to f*ck, which was partially true! when i got him feeling good, i was like YES, this is IT! i told him that when i dont have sex for so long, when we touch, yes i DO get excited. i try to be more patience and let it happen; rather than beg for it, then it pissed if he doesnt want it. bottom line: men have feelings too and are not just sex machine; they want to connect with someone and feel good, not only for sex purposes. esepecially if you're an independent woman such as myself, if you are, you got to show him that you need him, and not just for sex. i've learn to open up and express myself, making our relationship more meaningful. i now ask him for suggestions/advice/opionons and well just how his day was. it really has improved our relatonship.

Answer 9

You need to sit down and talk with him without anger or hurt ...and listen to what he says.

No one other then him can tell you the answer. I don't think guessing will get you anywhere.

I can tell you when I am not happy with how me and my hubby are communicating I sure don't feel in the mood to have sex with him. If I feel ignored he ain't getting any and this is not "a punishment" I just don't have sex unless I am in the mood for it.

Anger, frustration, depression all can kill a sex drive.

Answer 10

I'd live a situation very similar to yours, and you know what, the worst part is that he's wasting your time, life is too precious and too short. He should be honest with you, the problem could be a number of reasons: like he's not attracted to you sexually, he doesn't love you, he has somebody else, he's so addicted to porno that can only *** alone or with other visual stimulation.
You need much more than that, and nothing abnormal about your needs. If he loves you he needs to fulfill all your needs, if there's something else, he should come clean about it.