Link
Hope you like it
I wrote it for a story writing competition : Young Author Contest
http://nishantagrawal.bravehost.com/oldman.html
2007-11-13 04:11:53 · 5 answers · asked by Nishant A 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Have you had this story workshopped at all? It is very interesting, but there are some issues with voice and tense changes. I think you have a story here, but perhaps there are some revisions to be made.
For example, you have a tendency to over explain yourself. In the first line, you TELL us "My opinion about God has surely changed over the past three years, thanks to my jinxed experiences with life..." but you SHOW us "my jinxed experiences with life" through the entire story. See what I'm getting at? The first part, where your character's opinion of god has surely changed, is an awesome, awesome insight to throw us into their world. The second part ruins it though, and just seems tacked on because you want to get the point across by explaining. Some of your sentences are strong enough to elicit the kind of response you want to achieve without the explination, or the (stage directions).
I hope sincerely that you do not take offense to what I am saying, it is merely my personal experience of your work, and I wish you the very best of luck in your competition. If you'd like, I have a writers forum to post stuff and get/give feedback at http://breathesmoke.freeforums.org and I'm more than willing to give my advice (however irrelevant I may be as a writer :)) on anything. Again, good luck!
2007-11-13 04:54:16 · answer #1 · answered by all work and no play 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I love it. You're good with words -- have you already submitted it? I'm no expert, just a lousy kid who aspires to be a writer, but I'd say you have a pretty good chance of winning. That is, if you haven't already. My ultimate favorite part was the beginning bit about God. It made me smile.
I didn't have time to read it and be constructive, but since the question says rate, I'd give an 9/10.
Now watch some professional come be mean and contradict my answer. God bless them...
2007-11-13 12:20:29 · answer #2 · answered by Omes 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Good story. I rate it 7/8
2007-11-13 12:30:25 · answer #3 · answered by Stevo 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Excellent writing in all respects. The beginning sentences grabbed my attention and made me want to keep reading. Excellent - just excellent. Hope you win!!
2007-11-13 12:30:05 · answer #4 · answered by ♥ тнє σяιgιиαℓ gιяℓfяι∂αу ♥ 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is brill, it's fab! well done
2007-11-13 12:20:23 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋