Why does a married man think that it is okay to stay out until 3am & 4am in the morning?

Question

I just got into a MAJOR argument with my husband about this very issue. He says that I do not trust him. This behavior started up again about two months ago. Two weeks ago we have just had our 12th anniversary & we have two children. We spent that weekend arguing because he was gone the WHOLE day (not working, just out with his brother). We have only been back together for about 20 months after a year long seperation. I feel as though NO married man should be out that late. I would not do that to him, hanging out with my sister, BFF or anyone. My parents have been married for 35 years and my Dad went to work EVERYDAY ( save Sundays) and came home EVERY night, come Hell or highwater. Am I just overreacting?

Answer 1

No, you're not. I had this exact same problem for 12 years. Ok, 11, the first year we used to go out together. Then I got pregnant and he'd go out without me. Just reading your post brought back all these feelings for me, which are still quite raw. Everyone thought he was cheating on me. I didn't think so because I didn't get that vibe. But he was driving me crazy with it. I was so depressed and unhappy, wondering why couldn't he just come home at a normal time, when he knew that I worried about him being out so late, and that, let's face it, what good could you possibly be up to in the wee hours??? My father also came home every night, so I was totally unprepared for my husband's behavior. It was like a slap in the face.

I ended up moving out in February. It was so hard, believe me, I never wanted to get a divorce. But that's what I'm doing. I sleep peacefully every night. I don't have to wonder at what time he's coming home. It turns out he was out doing drugs. I don't want to get back together with him. I'd rather be alone than be with someone who in the end did not want to share his problems with me. I felt so alone anyway, while he was gone with his buddies. I'm not saying this is what you should do.

But you are right to be concerned about your husband's behavior. Something is causing him to stay out so late, something obviously, that you are not a part of. Everyone needs some alone time, but both parties should want to come home at the end of the day. That's why you got married.

Good luck, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

Answer 2

While he is grown and he may come and go as he pleases, I think the problem has more to do with respect, than staying out all night. I can almost gaurntee that if you look around the parameters of your relationship you will find that you guys have respect issues in other places too. SO no,You are not overreacting, and the fact that he feels that you are spells a much deeper problem. Prehaps he feels that you try to control him and he does this as a form of rebellion. Or perphaps during that year long seperation he met someone else and he stills sneeks and sees her. Either way even if he doesn't understand or agree with your frustration he should at least expect it. I would suggest you tell him specifically how this makes you feel. And also advise he that you dont' like feeling this way. And that you dont' think that you can have a healthy relationship with this behavior. Advise him you aren't trying to tell him what to do or who to hang out with but all you are asking for is some bounderies. And if this doens't work than maybe the seperation will be for the best, Trust me when I tell you- your husband knows he is being insensitive, and the fact that is won't address the real issue inside him self is a real problem. But stop doubting yourself.You aren't being unreasonalble.

Answer 3

Marriage is a balance - it sounds like both of you are coming from completely different perspectives regarding how a marriage should run. For both halves of a marriage to be happy, there needs to be a give and take that is obviously missing. Your husband may be harboring some major issues or at least some unresolved emotional detachments that are causing him to either emotionally give up on your relationship - or completely disappear physically. You are overreacting in the sense that overreaction causes greater distance. Communication was what founded your marriage - after the looks and the rush of interest fades (and after twelve years I imagine it has) - there are only two people who are trying to get through life and understand each other. He isn't your father - and you should assume that he will never be your father. That being said, he does need to hear your feelings in a nonthreatening way. Perhaps this way he will understand his role in your life. Try an unbiased conversation - no arguements.

Answer 4

I think that part of the reason he's spending time elsewhere is because he doesn't enjoy being at home as much as you think he should. You are reacting to his reaction to not wanting to be at home. You guys need to work on communicating where you are both coming up short. If he wants time away from the house maybe he can pick up a hobby.

I must admit that it is a bit off that a married man stays out that late. Him saying "you don't trust me" doesn't change anything. You can come out and tell him you have a hard time trusting him when he's out that late as most married men don't stay out that late. Either way, you two need to communicate your frustrations and what not. Otherwise this will continue.

Answer 5

Your relationship is missing trust and communication. And people will say a relationship is built on trust and imply he can do what he wants. That is BS.

Here is what needs to happen. First off you two both need to come together and decide if the relationship is worth saving and then commit to making it work.

Next you both need to get ego, personal agendas, pride, and selfishness out of the way. These are the things that keep people from properly communicating and making the decisions to make the marriage work. both of you need to be humble even when angry...This is the hard part.

Next learn to communicate without attacking. A good way to do this is start each sentence with 'when you do ????? I feel ???'.

I stay out late with my friends (1-2 am) on occasion and my wife is ok with it. She knows my friends and all of their wives are here friends. If she was not ok with it I would change my behavior. For example she would not be ok with me going out with single guys or guys that are not happy in their marriage. I therefore don’t go out with them and she doesn’t go out with people I don’t like.

We compromise because we love each other not because we are controlling. If my action make her uncomfortable it weakens our bond. Every choice you and you husband make either makes you stronger or weaker. He needs to make some changes and realize this. Give him a chance let him know how you feel and let him know what he’s doing to you. If he still does not support you don’t threaten just state facts….this isn’t working. Give him every chance to change.

Nagging and yelling don't work they just cause fights.

Answer 6

My dear face reality, its a totally different world today than 35 years ago. Men tend to grow out of "Old Fashionism" you should too. Either continue to push him out the door, or trust him. Be courteous in your questioning. Bars usually close at 3 am, so maybe he just likes closing the place. I would see why you seperated the first time, and then go from there. Sounds like nothing has changed. I would try another trial separation if it will make you more stable emotionally. Think of your kids, they should rather see you as friends, rather than fighting.

Answer 7

I am not sure of the whole situation, but I can tell you I would not stay out that late. First, my wife would probably let me know how displeased she was at me. That in itself would drive any man crazy! But most of all, I would not want to be anywhere but with my wife at that time. I can only think of one reason, and it is not a good one! You are right it would be a different story if you did the same thing. I also know that children do not like hearing their parents argue over these kinds of things. Perhaps you should start figureing out a way to get out of that situation. For everyone involved, it may be the best thing for everyone!

Answer 8

no, you are not overreacting. A marriage is a partnership between two people, and as with any partnership, each party should give equally. He should give you the same respect that you give him, not only for you, but also for your children. It sounds like there may be some deep issues in your relationship that the two of you need to address in order for things to ever get better. Consider counseling, if you have not already done so. If he refuses, that should be yet another sign that something is not right. I wish the best for you and I hope that you take some of the advice you receive to heart, not only for your wellbeing, but also for that of your children. Being in a hostile environment is good for no one!

Answer 9

Uh oh! There is a problem here.

If he were 22 yr. or early 20's and on an occasional basis. He has probably not grown out of the routine of hanging out late.

BUT

12 yrs. of marriage w/ kids!

Too young for midlife crisis.

Better get it resolved quick - meet w/ counselors.

Good luck!

Answer 10

Well it sounds like you are jealous of the fact he is creating a life without you, or your consideration. And hell yes you have a right to be angry!!! I think you need to sit him down and instead of arguing with him, explain why you are so upset. He is a married man, and he has reponsibilities to his family. He has children and its half his responsibility to care for them. If he wants to go out, then he needs to invite you first, or if its just a guys weekend he needs to run it by you and respect how you feel. If you dont want him to go just because you dont want him to, then that is wrong, but if you are exhausted and want some help with the kids or you had planned on doing something as a family then he needs to stay home and do things as a family. If he doesnt change call Shalom in the home! LOL, but you sound as though you need more than advice from the internet, you need marraige counceling...