Parents splitting up & a kindergartener?

Question

My husband moved out this weekend, and wants a divorce. We didn't have a really ugly marriage, and hopefully we won't have an ugly divorce. We're both doing the best we can to keep things amicable, for us, but of course even more for our two kids, ages four and six.

I'm wondering what we should do about our son and school, with two issues in particular.

1. We're going to try having an almost 50/50 custody setup, only my husband is moving to another school district. If my son's primary address remains the same, will he still be able to attend the school he goes to, even though much of the time he would technically "live" in another district?

2. I feel we should let the school know what's going on, but I don't really know who to talk to, or what to say. Mainly, I want to let them know because he's going to have a hard time with it, and so that they can keep an eye out for any problems that we might not see.

Advise?

P.S. DON'T give me your opinions on divorce, and try to be objective. I don't want this, he does, but I'm trying to avoid as much negative thinking when it comes to him as possible, because there's a LONG backstory, he's always been an amazing dad, and I need to not have people trying to turn me completely against him, because I want to keep things as easy on my kids as they can possibly be.

Hey Tapestry? If you are going to be a totally useless lump with a keyboard, please go elsewhere.

I am trying very hard to be mature about this. I cannot MAKE him want to stick it out.

And since you're completely ignorant of the backstory, suffice it to say that if he had left me two years ago, he would have been 100% justified in doing so. He stuck it out for two years, trying to get over what happened then.

I've done a lot of changing, and now, I think we can at least be friends, but I'm not really in the mood to be judged for something HE wants.

I have enough to keep me depressed, and I'm trying to get past it, because it's not all about me, and I realize that. I'll thank you to not heap more crap on me to make it even harder.

Thanks.

I spoke with his teacher during her conference time this morning. She said I did the right thing, and that she would pass the word on to other people who need to know. And she said that even though he will be affected, young children adapt better than older children or adults, and that as long as the children have a good support system and two loving, active parents, they usually get through this and grow up to be a well-adjusted adult.

Answer 1

I would suggest talking to your child's teacher. I'm a teacher and I appreciate it when a parent keeps me in the loop. It gives me some perspective on the child's behavior.
Your situation is getting pretty common. Kids live in 2 households/school districts more often than in the past.
As long as dad is willing to make sure the child gets to school everyday on time, there shouldn't be an issue.
Just keep the address you had when you enrolled him in school and there shouldn't be a problem with being in 2 districts. Good luck. Your teachers will appreciate knowing what's going on.

Answer 2

1. We're going to try having an almost 50/50 custody setup, only my husband is moving to another school district. If my son's primary address remains the same, will he still be able to attend the school he goes to, even though much of the time he would technically "live" in another district?

The court will assign one parent (even in an exact 50/50 custodial order) as the residential parent. THAT parent can register the child. It will not matter if the child resides with the other parent for weeks at a time. The child's residence for purposes of registration and attendence remains with the residential parent.

This is not an issue.

2. I feel we should let the school know what's going on, but I don't really know who to talk to, or what to say. Mainly, I want to let them know because he's going to have a hard time with it, and so that they can keep an eye out for any problems that we might not see.

ANSWER: This is not the schools' business. If you feel the need then BOTH of you should address the school counselor ONLY. Small children are resilient, even in divorce. The key is both parents taking an active role.

Answer 3

I was 3 when my parents split and throughout elementary school I was put in a "children of divorced parents" class for an hour or so a day...maybe it was once a week, I don't really remember but I do remember feeling alienated and ashamed. I don't think schools do this anymore due to the commonality of divorce today (this happened to me in early 80's).
I would just notify his teacher directly and ask his teacher if there are other teachers that should know (gym, music, art). I'm sure teachers now days deal alot with this (unfortunately). You should also for SURE notify the schools counselor as they may pull him out for a chat every once in awhile to check up on him.
I am a very strong advocate for divorcing early rather than staying married "for the kids". It is also very admirable that you two are being mature and friendly about it, this will undoubtedly benefit your kids. Just keep pestering them to talk about it and find sneaky ways to get them to talk...nonchalantly seems to work very well instead of forcing them to sit down and open up. Ask questions while you're playing with them, in the car talking about other stuff, or before they go to bed. It may also be a good idea to get the kids journals. They are young but this is a place where they can draw or communicate their feelings in any way that they want.

Answer 4

1) Your child will have to attend school in the district of the primary residence. It should be fine as long as the other parent gets him there on their days.

2) Yes, you should let the school know. Talk to the teachers not the principal. They will be seing your child on a day to day basis.

Just a note of warning. Even if you have the best intentions things can go sour very fast. Protect yourself your rights. Consult a lawyer just to get the info you need. Even if you are mediating.

Answer 5

Sorry to hear this, it's good that the two of you are talking, but for your sake get it ALL in writing every little detail ok. It's hard to tell someone from the outside what is going to happen, but call the school and ask to speak to someone or better yet go in and talk to someone, you might need to do some paper work to give some information the school might need to know.

Answer 6

I commend you and your husband in trying to make the divorce as civil as possible for your children....Your son should be fine going to the same school and it matters not that he lives with his dad 50% of the time...As long as your husband makes sure that he gets to school and is picked up from school....I think letting the prinicipal and the teacher know is a good idea...they prefer to know what is going on with their students....so they can notice any behaviorial changes...Kids are resiliant and will bounce back...especially if the parents aren't aruging and putting them in the middle of everything....Good to know that you care enough about your kids to make this transition as painless as possible....

Tapestry has no idea of what she is talking about....I understand what you are saying...Your husband wants out of the marriage....and you can't force someone to stay with you if they don't want to be with you....and staying for the kid's sake isn't right in my opinion...because they are smart and they have a way of knowing that mommy and daddy aren't happy....

Answer 7

You should most definitely let the school know what is going on, as your son is going to show some emotional changes. It is going to take alot of talking to your children and time and as long as you can keep it civil they will be OK. I am sorry for you to have to go through this, you sound like you will do fine though... Good luck

Answer 8

I think if this divorce is inevitable, then you have a very mature attitude about it. Notifying the Principal and the teacher is a very smart idea. But please be aware that even if you do everything "right" your kids will still be affected. Nothing is as good as mom and dad together, but they both have to be willing to try. Good luck.
I'm pretty sure your son can still remain at his school as long as you keep his address the same.

Answer 9

1. All the school needs to know is his "permanent" address... the one where his report cards or other communications are mailed. As long as his dad is still going to drive him to school when he is with him, it's fine. If you start getting into logistics, they might try to find a way to make you pay tuition for a public school. I lived with my dad for a while... in a different town. But he still got me to school. We found out that if I used his address, we would have to pay $2,500 in tuition for public school. My mom also moved out of my school's district, but in the same city. So it wouldn't have been any better using hers. I would just have to switch to that district's school. So we split the difference and used my grandma's address who lived in my school's district so I wouldn't have to switch schools or pay tuition.

2. You can tell them about it if you think they need to know... for the sake of noticing any problems with your son, or so they know who is supposed to pick him up after school (in the case of a custody battle or possible flight risk). But I wouldn't tell them just for the sake of figuring out the whole school district thing. And keep it simple, and just with his teacher. Let her know you are going through a divorce, that you can be reached anytime if she notices a problem, let her know who is picking him up at the end of the day... stuff like that.

Answer 10

1. Children should NEVER, NEVER, NEVER be moved from one house to another, from one school to another on some kind of 50/50 schedule just because it's convenient for YOU GUYS. Your children should be in ONE school, in ONE home and visit the other parent evenings (that means they're back before bedtime) and weekends. The child's primary address should be with the parent where he goes to school.

2. It's always a good idea to speak discretely to a counselor at the school and your child's primary teacher to let them know what's going on and ask them to keep an eye on your child for a while until the adjustment can be made.