Why do I care so much?

Question

My husband has cheated on me at least two times that I know of, he refuses to get a job, never lets me go out, won't let me have any friends, and always makes me fill like crap just because I leave him with our two children so I can work to support us. Infact the only thing about him that makes me happy is our sex life. I really do love him and I am trying to make things work for our childrens sake. I am so depressed and feel trapped! I tried to leave him earlier this year but I just seemed to be even more unhappy. What should I do? Why do I care so much?

Answer 1

Several things come to mind here.

First, if you're the one supporting the family (i.e. working, bringing home an income) then how is it possible for him to control you (as in, never let you go out or have friends)? You have all the control because you're controlling the purse strings. If he tells you you can't go out, and you want to go out ... GO OUT!!! What's he going to do? He's not going to leave you, because he has no money. Duh.

Second, you're asking the wrong question. You ask, "Why do I care so much?" I think you should be asking, "Why do I care so little about myself and my children that I'm willing to stay in this situation?"
If your children grow up watching this relationship, they're going to think this is normal. If you have sons, they will treat their girlfriends/wives this way because it's what they've seen their father do to you. If you have daughter's, they will settle for men who treat them this way because it's what YOU have modeled for them.
If you can't change things for yourself, pull yourself up and do it for your children.
I suspect that your depression will clear up as soon as you change your situation.

So, you need to figure out what you want, and be very clear about it. Then, you need to sit your husband down and tell him very specifically what you want from him. And you need to be clear that if he's either unable or unwilling to do what you ask, you will take the children and leave. It's not a threat, it's just you deciding what you will and won't put up with (and live with) in this life.

So, your list of things you tell your husband might go something like this:
1. I need you to be monogamous, and until you can prove that you are, you must (a) have HIV tests every six months, and (b) wear condoms every time we have intercourse (if you even have intercourse, if he's cheated I would recommend NO intercourse until he's proven he's not infected and until he's proven he's faithful).
2. I need you to get a job that pays at least (insert your dollar amount) per week (or month) and you need to be responsible for this amount of the family expenses.

There might be other things on your list, it's really up to you to figure out.

One final thought: you mentioned that when you tried to leave him you seemed even more unhappy. I think this is a lack of self-confidence on your part. Are you worried that you won't be able to make it on your own? Well, news flash: you already are. You're supporting your children AND your husband. If you leave him, your burden will get lighter, not heavier, and you will be in a better position financially.
Are you worried that you won't find another husband? News flash: you've got a "dud" now, how much worse could you do? I don't mean to sound cruel.
There are and will be plenty of other men, and the kind you want aren't going to be interested in you while you're married.

Now, perhaps if you present your husband with firm, clear, non-negotiable demands, he will shape up and change. If he truly loves you and respects you and wants to be in a relationship with you, he will. But I suspect he won't. And that should be a blessing to you because then you have all the information you need and you should be able to walk away and make a better life for you and your children with no guilt.
And don't worry about your husband. If you leave him, he will quickly find another woman to replace you, one who will put up with his crap and support him and give in to his insecure demands. There are plenty of women out there with so little self-esteem that they will settle for something like this. You should not be one of them.

I hope this helps. Many blessing to you.

Answer 2

Thanks for answering my question. That is terrible what your telling me, he has cheated on you!! You are an amazing women, if you haven't cheated on him, and congrats on getting a job and being the man and woman of the house. You care because he is the father of your children, you got married to this man, so you love him. Try God, Buy a Bible i know that sounds like the last , thing you may want, Buy your life will change for the better, allot more peace and love will come into your life. Stop having sex with him as well, sleep in a different room. I think the sex is blinding you, if you take that out things will get clearer. I wish there where more women like you.....

Answer 3

Oh, what a mess and he's controlling, and you need to leave the marriage, unless you really like living in hell.
He's dead weight for you and a cheater, has he been tested for STD's??? You need to wake up, smell the coffee, and get your act together.
I'm at the tail end of a divorce after 31 years, he cheated, I'm now older but wiser, do you what this to happen to you, being my age now is not a bad thing, it just messes with the mind, I'm not 20 any more, but I'm much wiser.

Answer 4

It sounds like he has taken away your self esteem. This is why you think you care but you are actually telling yourself that you need him to survive. This man is the devil. You need to get away. He will continue to bring you down and your children with you. Do it for them and when you are away from the situation long enough you will start to feel better and get your self esteem back.

Get a friend to be there when you move so they can be encouragement when he begins to open his trap and talk. Good luck!!!!!!

Answer 5

Ditto, hes a loser and you would be better off without him. if you can work and support him you can work and support yourself and your children. Maybe later on you could find a real man. sometimes you cant stay"for the childrens sake. If you were divorced he'd have to go to work or go to jail for non-support. think about it.

Answer 6

Leave for your sake the children will be fine, you however will not if you don't build yourself respect and value system. The way he treats you will only get worse.

Answer 7

I guess you care so much because you are not being rational.. put your heart aside for a while and use your brain.. you are talking about tens of negatives and one positive... In few years, you will lose interest in sex with him, and you will have to live with his bad attitude, lack of responsibility, ill-treatment and other things... Think it over and decide what you really want

Answer 8

My god did you read your own question? I would throw the a**hole out in a heartbeat!! Guys like that need the *hit stomped out of them!! He is a loser always has been and more than likely will always be one!
Do yourself and most importantly your kids a favor and get some counseling for yourself to get a back bone!

Answer 9

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Answer 10

You need to get help, what you feel is far from LOVE. You can't possible love someone who shows you not one ounce of respect. He has you in such a state of mind that you don't even know right from wrong. I am here to tell you that everything about your marriage is terrible WRONG. Please go get help before it is too late. I will pray for you.