Why is Fedility not a known word in the Military?

Question

I've friends in the military and most of their marriage life is unsuccesful. They are successful in their carreers. Most Military Officers have 2nd family (I said most but not all) or worst 3rd family. Is because of the system or it just prevalent among men in uniform?... This question is not only address to Military Officers but also to enlisted personnels.. Please Enlighten Me.

Answer 1

I'm surprised that more people do not find your question offensive. In one sense, you can argue that military personnel have a greater sense of fidelity than civilians because many are committed to ideals...intangible values...as well as their spouses and families. In addition, your question is rather lopsided. Fidelity in marriage applies to both parties! To say that fidelity is not known in the military is ignorant, but you've posted a question to arise from ignorance and I applaud you for it.

I have just a few points for you because this is a huge topic.

1. So where's the good news? What I'm saying is...you know about the failed military marriages. What can you tell us about the successful ones?

2. Military marriages/families must be a special breed to be successful. It is unfortunate, but when someone marries into the military, they must adapt to a unique and harsh environment. Working together...building a strong relationship...trust...communication...they're already keys to good marriage...they're just as important for military marriages/families.

3. Is there a difference in vows between the marriage officer and the marriage of an enlisted? I didn't think so. Rank has no bearing on the success/failure of a marriage. Some people would argue that officer marriages should be more successful because they have less financial worries from higher pay. No...that only means officers have the chance to get into more debt. On a different note, some people argue that marriage is a necessary step towards status among the officer ranks, so successful or not they may seek to be married to ensure they can achieve a higher social status.

There are many other points I could bring up, but we'll just leave it at those I mentioned. I hope it gets your gears turning, though. I'm sure other answerers will have great info.

I also have to say to a previous answerer, Jetta, that I am sorry you've had such a terrible experience. I know for a fact in my command a husband would be hung out to dry for laying an angry hand on his wife.

Answer 2

Out of the dozens of military marriages I know, I only know 2 that cheat. One where the wife is a repeated cheater but the husband stays anyways, and one where the husband cheated and they are working to repair their marriage. I know NONE with multiple families. I know more civilian marriages that have cheating spouses.

The divorce rate in the military is closer to 61%. Not because of cheating, but because it's a hard life. Moving at short notice. Long absences, and short together. Low pay. And if the spouse works, it's generally a lower paying job, because they start to advance and then move again. And then when the family is all together again, the military member has to come to terms with the fact that they lived without him being there. And the family has to find where the military member fits again. And some families can't handle that. Then add in things like PTSD, serious physical and mental injuries, and you've got a situation that many a weak marriage crumbled under. Some turn stronger, some turn on each other.

Now, there is some of what you say that I feel is suspect. While I do think that you have friends who are in the military, I don't think you know people with two or three families. I think it is POSSIBLE that you know ONE person with two families. But you're painting with a WIDE brush, and you're hitting yourself with the slander.

Answer 3

The rate of divorce in the military is the same as in the civilian world, 50%. Its not an easy job being married to someone in the military. The fidelity issues are hardly limited to men in uniform, but I would venture to guess the reason most military marriages fail isn't due to infidelity, but due to the stress of being away from your spouse for so long. If you've never been a military spouse, or in the military, its unimaginable the amount of change that occurs during a deployment. Not everyone can cope with that.

Answer 4

Sorry, but you're going to find that in all of society, not just the military. Look at some of the upper echelon of big companies and the number of "trophy wives".

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, the military cannot destroy anyones marriage. If a marriage is a good one, it will stay a good one, regardless of the situation. If the marriage is a bad one, it's doomed to fall apart, regardless of the situation.

During my 19 years of marriage to an Airman, I can count on both hands the number of cheating spouses, and it's both sides of the fence, not just the men. Most of the married folk fight hard to stay married and to keep a good life going.

Perfect example: Hubby had to go to a class in May to Italy, just outside of Venice. 10 guys decided to go to Venice on the last day. The one single guy suggested a gondola ride. 9 voices, all pretty much in unison, "not without my wife!"

A good military man is going to be the epitomy of fidelity and loyalty.

Answer 5

People often rush into marrage these days are just as quick to get a devorse. When you have a weak foundation for your marrage then roll out on a 12-15 month deployment, you can almost see this happening. Both men and women often rush into marrage prior to a deployment based on the fact that they think that if they dont marry their future spouse, that person will leave them during their deployment. This often leads to all sorts of problems. You now have a spouse in the states that has known you for X amount of time, and your deployment has kept you appart longer then you've been togeather.

I've seen this scenerio be played out several times while I've been in the service. Of course this does not account for everycase, but it has been for most of the ones I've seen.

You also can't blame the military members for the divorce rates. Go to any bar around post right after a unit deploys and you'll find more 'single' women then you ever thought exsisted. It makes me want to puke.

Answer 6

Aloha from Down Unda!
Did you mean ~ 'fidelity'?
I'd speculate that Professional Soldiers are 'geared' toward different mind sets than their civilian counterparts. Being in the uniform alone creates the kinds of attitudes which instills a sense of focus on strategic manuvers rather than domestic relationships.
Before mariage, my military career was wholly engrossing & dominated every facet of life. Once married, my military career became a cumbersome obsticle. I relinquished the job in spite of 'stigmas' attached to ending a 12 year career.
With many USA Statistics shared around the world, it should be no surprise to recognize that infidelity is certainly not much worse in uniform than out of it, no pun intended! The entire world is goin to Hell in a handbasket! Oh well...
Best wishes ~ K-den, M1/NSWMoke ;-)
aka: [e-mail] 8-o
aka: Dorfus :O)) Chucklenose :O))
aka: [e-mail] :-)

Answer 7

I would tend to believe the stress of being seperated, especially for young couples is the key.

For every 'cheating' husband-soldier I can certainly assure you there are wives doing the same. Can not believe how many times soldier's return to empty homes, maxed credit cards or wife expecting child somehow after he has been gone 12 months..

It goes both ways to be certain.

Answer 8

I hope you choose sly or eileen for best answer because they had some GREAT things to say. I would just like to pipe up and see that our marriage is a success story, and I know many families like ours. Out of our 4 year relationship, we have physically been together about 2 years of that, and that is just fine with me. Me and my husband CHOOSE to have a close relationship, whether he is here or overseas. We come out the other side of a deployment stronger as a couple than we were before (currently in our 3rd deployment). We cant wait to talk to each other via IM, webcam, and phone (wooo hooo for vonage). It is a stereotype that soldiers come home "messed up in the head" because, while it may be true for some, certainly is a small percentage (the Army is doing a better job of identifying and treating those individuals). My husband only wants to come home and pick up where he left off, and I gladly let him do so. He wants to take the garbage out, fix our computers, cook dinner, go to PT, make love to his wife, wipe snotty kids noses, etc etc. All those things that he couldnt do while he was away...just...be...normal. There are no "fitting in" issues with us. He just steps in, head of the household, and does his thing. He has been kept "in the loop" throughout the entire deployment. He is my best friend, so yes, I have vented about my frustrations, as I would do if he were here, and he helps me through them. I do the same for him. Good relationships do that. Good wives know how to use a webcam to take care of their husband. Good wives send letters, emails, care packages to take care of their husbands. Good deployed husbands log onto the internet at every opportunity, they listen to their spouses frustrations (and joys) without feeling burdened by them, they send care packages home, and they are excited to talk to loved ones at home. So if both sides are committed to the relationship, it CAN be done. Weak ones built on a soft foundation will fail, and that has little to do with the job of either spouse.

Yesterday, I had the privilege of watching my neighbors 3 children so she could talk to her deployed husband on instant messenger/webcam. This is her first deployment, but she knows how to take care of her husband. Gotta love internet in the soldier's rooms...he is lucky to have net in his room.

The military has some of the strongest, and weakest marriages. This life can make you or break you. Me and my husband love each other more than anything, and there is nothing that could pull us apart, not even death.

I hope you learned a little from these answers, and not presume to know anything about military relationships just because you have seen examples of failed ones.

Answer 9

Probably because you spelt it wrong!

The word you are searching for is Fidelity,
and there is no way to prove that males and females in the military are any worse or better than males or females in civilian life.

Answer 10

My brother was a Vet of the first Desert Storm and he endured separations and stress with his family and they always recovered with no infidelity or major drama.

His Army buddies and their families had separation stress, but dealt with it and none of them got divorced or had multiple families.

Maybe you have too narrow of a picture of Military life?