How can you move on when your friend is murdered, and the killer has not been found?

Question

One of my girlfriend's best friends was found murdered in her home last week in Charlottesville, Virginia. The woman's name was Jayne McGowan.

I did not know her personally, but I have been trying to be as supportive as possible. I just don't understand how anybody will be able to move on until this person is found. The murder itself really makes no sense.

Beyond that is that I don't understand how bad a person's situation must be that they can kill someone without coming forward after. How can a person exist without guilt or shame overpowering their own panic or wish for escape?

I study social work. I am a therapist. I am trained in understanding oppression and mental illness. And yet when something so terrible happens so close to me, I cannot make sense of it.

Finally, in the unlikely event that this message ever finds someone who knows something about this, I beg you to come forward with that information. The need for closure is tremendous, for hundreds who knew her.

sweetwaterfish -- Yes, that was callous, and admitting that it might be shows insight that would have served you well to consider before you indirectly suggested that the people close to me are weak or without character because they are suffering.

Answer 1

The only way I know how to face fear is by relying on Christ Jesus as my comforter.....I grew up in an abusive home and have come close to death a few times. There is nothing I've found in my 53 years that can give us the peace that passes all understanding as the Love of Jesus Christ.

I hope your friend will find comfort through our creator because ultimately, HE will be the final judge.

It's a battle of light vs. dark, good vs. evil and so pray that this person will be found before he/she strikes again. Who did this is certainly serving the dark-side!

I am sorry for your girlfriends loss and the loss this woman's family is suffering through.

I've said a prayer for them, and it's wonderful that she has a person to love her like you do.....In Jesus Name, Cole.

Answer 2

First of all if murder made since there would be no murders because, that does explains mental illness, any person that can exist without guilt or shame has no conscious, therefore it will overpower their sense of being. You cannot make sense of a mentally ill person because the human mind can only consume so much, to think mentally with a sane mind is impossible. Support your friend as much as possible but you both must learn and accept that it happen, its no one fault but the murderer even tho you may never know be thankful for the friend that you have and Jayne McGowan. Being a therapist can tend to have it's pressures, sometimes you need to relieve pressure also. If you were trained to understand oppression and mental illness why are you asking this question? You need to give your mind a break, because you can become mentally ill also helping others.


PLEEEEEEEEEASE TAKE A VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 3

What do you mean by move on? Sometimes I think we as a people in general have too much free time which allows us to worry and ponder issues that our forefathers never had time for.

I've always admired the pioneers and the mountain folk in the 1700-1800's, They knew that if they didn't work their rears off every day in the spring summer and fall, they would starve in the winter. There wasn't time for a lot of grief.

The way you move on is to realize that you are alive, you have responsibilities, your have people depending on you. To fall apart and not be able to "move on" due to a personal tragedy shows weakness and a lack of character. Winning, loosing, coming out on top and winding up on the bottom are all integral parts of the human condition. Its when your life is sedentary and not changing that you have to worry, it means you are either dead or in a rut.

I'm sure this sounds callous, as I have not "lost" anybody lately, nor have I had to overcome any huge emotional hurdles.

Answer 4

Over the last 40 years I have lost 4 siblings, 1husband and 3 friends. You don't get over with it, you learn how to deal with it. Some how you pull yourself together and realize that you still have a life to live and that the person who died wouldn't have wanted you to curl up into a ball and spend the rest of your life grieving for them. You learn to celebrate the lives of those who have gone before us and you try to live in a way that would honor them.

My brother was killed in a hit and run in 1969 and we still don't' know who did it. That will be something that they have to answer to at some point in thier life. Or in the next!

Answer 5

My late husband was killed by a drunk driver. His killer goes on trial nearly two years after his death. His killer has said, he didn't do it. He has said that no one understands him that no one else knows what's it's like to be in jail. You see Brian was killed 6/23/06. This guy had just been released from prison the april prior to the accident, from prison where he had just served 12 years. He had no drivers license and was behind the wheel of a car drunk and without insurance. His buddy in the car with him ran into a circle k a mile from the accident scene and did a beer run. In their flight they ran a red light in front of a police officer who went in persuit to do a traffic stop as he only witnessed the traffic violation. At the intersection where Brian died, that guy ran another red light and crashed into Brian's truck sending it flipping first end over end then side over side. The truck landed hard on the passenger side. Brian died of blunt force trauma injuries. His spine was broken and protruding through his back just below the neck. He had massive swelling in his brain. The paramedics were able to restart his heart. At the hospital, he died again when it became apparent that the injuries were too great to stabalize him to save him.
Our children lost their father. I lost my best firend since I was 7 yrs old. And the man who killed him says he's not responsible for Brian dying. Sometimes, knowing the killer's name isn't enough to have closure. I want to hear him say the words. I can't forgive unless he says it. I keep trying to reckon it and find it in myself. But it comes down to what Brian's life meant to this man. Two 30 packs of beer is Brian's life meant to this man. He had been drinking at a bar prior to stealing the beer. Brian worked first shift and was on his way to work. But, this guy who took Brian's life, has shown no remorse at what he's done. He was heard bragging about killing a cracker. (Yes, the guy is hispanic and Brian bought his first toy. A harley.) My solace comes in knowing that he will have to face God and answer to God for killing someone. I can't judge this man. The courts may not be fair in sentancing him. He has the best attorney possible for his case. But God will have a face to face with this man.
In the weeks following his death, I lost my sister and my father. No wonder I had a stroke.

Answer 6

one day at a time and face the facts.If you still can't move ahead seek some help from a qualified person you are distanced from (friends have a tendency to over simplify or try to become your mother figure)

Answer 7

even if they do find the murderer it will still just take time to move on. i have no idea how anyone could live with all that guilt. i know i never could.

Answer 8

there's going to be a time in your life when you are going to say I am going to move on because I dont want my friend to see me like this. You are going to be like I am going to it for me and my friend(his or her name). Remember that that special person is going to be watching over you just be there for him or her and sometime even though it sounds weird talk to him or her it'll make feel better and it will make it easier for you to move on. When one of my best friends died I felt so bad because I couldnt even go to the funeral because I was on vacation. His parents decided to not tell me until I was back and I felt so miserable and when I told me I got into such a huge depression that I had to be begged to do anything. I had to be home schooled and all that stuff.... But, one day I decided to just talk like of I was talking to him and tell him to forgive me and all that. Then, I had a feeling of just wanting to go to his house and I went and I went in his room and for me it was so empty without him but then I had so many flashbacks and I told myself I am going to move on because I know he is watching over me and I know that he is always going to be with me where ever I am and thats how I got over it. I always carry a picture of him and I know that he his always watching over me I still cry I am not going to lie but I just had to move on to give him something to be proud of like I know he would if he was still here. All my accomplishments I dedicate it to him!!!! RIP BB

Answer 9

That sounds horrible. Hopefully someone can help.

Answer 10

he is involved in drugs may be group persons kill him guess