Brother not working or going to school, but mom is reluctant to kick him out...Why?

Question

I hate to say this about my flesh and blood, but my brother is a lost cause.

He'll be 21 next month. He stopped going to community college, is not working (although he gets his money somehow..Apparently from selling weed), and he recently stopped attending his court ordered community service. So now he'll lay low at my mom's house because there may be a warrant put out for his arrest because he didn't finish community service. The bulk of his friends have either been arrested, shot at, and a couple killed.

Me and my mother have talked to him and reasoned with him countless times telling him he needs to get his act together and better his life. It's like he listens, but he doesn't listen. My brother's father is basically not in the picture, and mom is at a wits end with him. I know she wants to kick him out, but she fears that something bad will happen to him..something worse than him getting arrested. And he is her only son. What to do?

I appreciate all the answers. I need all the advice I can get! I really do care about my brother and his well being. I just wish he would wake up and realize he needs to turn his life around.

Answer 1

let him get in trouble. she doesnt have to kick him out for that. maybe he'll learn a lesson though some people never do.

Answer 2

Keep being supportive with him. However don't be enabling. To say he's a lost cause at 21 is not creating a positive space into which he can live successfully. There is so much life ahead, but he has to choose what to do with it. Sometimes when there is a big weight over his head (the community service and the possible warrant) people are put into a no win situation. Offer to help him resolve these issues. And if he's truly getting his money by selling drugs, he's just digging a hole that will eventually cover him over. If you truly care about him, get him some help, and don't just toss him under the bus or throw him on the scrap heap.

Answer 3

Any hope of the family moving to a new area for a fresh start elsewhere. Of course she doesn't want to kick him out. He is her son and still quite immature and better to encourage him to change his ways rather than nagging at him. Would it help to try and get him to report to the Police and say he has been ill and has missed his Community Service obligations and what can he do about rectifying that??? He probably resents not having a father to look up to. Are there any older males in the family who could have a chat to him or sensible male friends. Sounds like he has been mixing in the wrong crowd and maybe he could be encouraged to join a club like a sporting club or whatever which will match his interests.

Answer 4

The sad fact of the matter is that your mother is probably right. He will probably end up like one of his friends.

Now, I always say "you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself or how you act or how you react to the other person.."

But the bottom line in this situation, if I was your mother, I would pick up and move. I don't care what it costs or how much money I have...I would sell everything, the TV the computer anything worth anything and I would MOVE to another state, somewhere in the midwest, rural NY or PA...somewhere low crime and hard work and bring him with me. Sink or swim, he's gotta work if the family is going to make it and he's gotta be responsible for himself and as a part of the collective household. It's too easy to feel hopeless in an urban environment...he's gotta see land and breathe open air and realize that the world is a whole lot bigger than his silly little environment in "tha hood". He just needs a little perspective....

Answer 5

I think you answered your own question. "She fears that something bad will happen to him..something worse than him getting arrested. And he is her only son." We like ot think that if we get tough with people, maybe they'll get their act together. But do you really think that's what your brother will do? Or will he crash with some friends, maybe start dealing on the street, or turn to more serious crime? Do you want to hear that he's sleeping under a bridge. I guarantee your mom thinks about all those things. If you want to help, look for someone who can give your brother a leg up. Is their a friend or family member who might be able to offer him a job? Maybe even in another area? That might be a good way to break some of those bad associations. I know, if it was easy, you would have already tried it. Good luck to all of you.

Answer 6

I know how frustrated you must be. It may seem that he just keeps messing up his life, but there is usually a great deal of pain behind him making the mistakes he does. He may feel that he doesn't deserve any better. Your mom is enabling him, and allowing his behavior to continue because she loves him and, like you said, is afraid he will get killed if she throws him out.
Maybe instead of being angry with him (which he's probably experienced a lot of in his life) you could tell him you love him and want to see him have a better life, because you think he deserves it. And tell him you don't want to lose your brother. Other than that, just pray for him. That's all you can do.
But don't shut him out. He needs family to care about him so he can learn to care about himself.

Answer 7

I really feel for you, they are alot of services out there, start with your minister, or church, assuming you are in Canada try these first...perhaps they can at least guide you in the right direction if they can't help! Don't give up on him but like an alcoholic he has to take the first step...by wanting help. Kicking him out or calling the police isn't the answer he will either end up killed and if in jail well they don't have anyone there trained to give him hope. Try the churches..good luck and don't giuve up on him i would hate you to feel guilty if something happened...let me know how it works out....

Answer 8

It is hard for a mother to let go a child.
Your brother knows this and will take full advantage of it. Sometimes we as parents need to make hard desissions and one of them is to allow our children to stand on there own two feet.
Your mother might think she is doing the best thing for your brother when in actuality she is not helping him at all.
This is your brothers life and if he keeps manipulating you, and you let him as you are doing, he will keep living the easy life as a child and not a man.

Your mother needs to let your brother grow up. He did not do what he is supposed to in the courts, then he goes to jail. Your brother made this choice.

Quit letting your brother walk all over you and your mother. The easy way is what your brother is taking and this will never end if you keep letting him.

Wish you well.

Answer 9

Pray Pray Pray, Encourage him to enlist in the National guard, something to be proud of. Tell your mom to pray about what to do, We can't harbor our children forever from life or it hurts them in the long run.

Has she the choice of moving, somewhere safer? Getting him away from that stuff if possible may help, but most of all if your feeling stuck, just pray and ask for guidance! But if you could non-shulantly by slide of hand,, so to speak.... encourage him to get involved into something meaningful but make it sound like it was his idea... like pass a recruiter shop and say "hey lets go in here and see what they have to say, you never know... they pay for college, give you a career..." maybe something along that line... just re-direct him if possible, but he needs to leave the old crowd behind in order to be able to change.....

Your in my prayers, God Bless....

Answer 10

He will keep using mom as long as she lets him. I know it is hard, but I had to throw my drug using son out and though I worry about him, I have had to come to the realization that he makes his own choices and I am not helping him by enabling him to live free and comfortably. He is in jail now for adult charges (DUI) and I hope he learns (of course, I hoped he learned each of the numerous times he spent in juvenile detention also).

The sooner he suffers consequences for his behavior, the sooner he will learn.

Answer 11

This is going to sound harsh So before I say it, sorry. Your mom is enabling your brother. She lets him eat, sleep and dink around for free. She needs to sit with him and say, you are 21 years old. You need to pay XYZ dollars rent each month. This will make him mad and he will probably move out. From there several things can happen. He might realize that moms rules werent so bad, Hell get a job or hell go downhill. Sometimes you have to do a little "tough love" as hard as it might be, she has to kick him out.