I feel guilty...what should i do?

Question

Ok so i kicked the problematic bridesmaid out...thats not what i feel guilty about...

My mother calls me today while im at work and says "Since AJ is no longer in the wedding party lets add your cousin 'ann'. " I said "but i originally wanted her to be the guestbook attendant". Mom says "no i think we need to make her a bridesmaid" ....
So my fiance decides he really wants another cousin in the wedding..fine....ok....im frustrated at this point and i called mom and said "let's put her in the wedding as a bridesmaid"

So she gets excited and calls her, she says "does she really want me in the wedding?" mom says "Of course she does!"

So i get this email from anns mother saying "ann really wants to know if you want her in the wedding" yeah I do want her in the wedding...so i told mom "what if my bridesmaids talk about how AJ got kicked out"
mom was like "YOU JUST WANT ME TO FLIPPING STAY HOME DON'T YOU? YOURE CREATING DRAMA THATS NOT THERE" uhm...no..my girls talk....

I then expresse my concern about her making my bridesmaids boleros (jackets) and told her "your gonna get pissed at me and decide last minute not to do them"
She was like... "YEAH YOUR RIGHT YOUR GIRLS CAN TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES"

wtf...i just don't want anyones feelings hurt...and right now...mine are :( im not trying to cause drama, im thinking ahead, two of my girls love to gossip..and im sure it's gonna be going on :(

my fiance was like "Is she off her medication today?"

thats the thing...im not being a bridezilla about it...just that my mom flips out over the littlest things and i can barely talk to her, she was mad i wouldn't let her make my wedding dress (for the explained reason of her getting pissed off and not doing it) then she wanted to make the girls boleros and now she took it back....

i feel guilty about everything except kicking the problematic bridesmaid out....basically when i was on the phone with mom i was about to go into a meeting and i said i had to go...well instead of letting ME call her...she called her.
She did this when I 'picked' my ringbearer too...called his mom and said i wanted him in the wedding as a ring bearer.

oh and i didn't want her to make the girls jackets, she insisted...we had it all set up that the seamstress was going to do but mom called and said "I'll just save the girls some money and make the jackets myself"

It was totally not my idea!

wow...now im getting nasty emails from my mother *sigh*

im not going to write her back..she's blaming the fact that she's taking 200 mg of zoloft on the wedding when she's been taking zoloft for years

Answer 1

First--BREATHE. I have a Mother similar to yours it sounds...I would give it a few days...put everything away and don't talk to your Mom--sounds harsh but with both of your tempers flaired there's bound to be hurt feelings & words to come out... do you really want that? This is suppose to be a happy time and you need love & support from those around you. You're Mom should respect that this is your Wedding and you want to do things YOUR way...sometimes I think Mom's live through us w/o even realizing it.

About the BM situation...stick to your guns and make your own decision. I too had to kick a BM out...I felt guilty but I knew in my heart I couldn't imagine having this gal next to me on the most important day of my life. Too much hurt had been caused. I didn't replace her though...I learned more BM's you have only equals more drama usually and more people to worry about.

Answer 2

I'm thinking if you want Ann to be in the wedding you should ask Ann. I'm not really understanding why your mother called her and her mother is writing you. No wonder Ann is wondering if you even want her at all.

Your next part--what if your bridesmaids talk? So what if they talk? Why not be upfront about it in the first place? If a lot of time has passed, Ann is going to know she was a runner up so why don't you just explain what happened.

What is it you feel guilty about? You never got to that. Sit down and discuss things calmly with your mother. You may be overstressing her out. I mean you just kicked AJ out of your wedding but I'm sure you took your mom through all the stress as well--are you sure she has the time to take on these jackets? Perhaps it is better to get someone else to do it--not b/c your mother can't handle it or you think she's going to get pissed at you and purposely sabatoge something (GOD Don't TELL Her That!) but that you worry she has too much on her plate and may need some help so she can be calm and stressfree for your wedding.

Answer 3

Are you spanish? Your mom sounds like every dramatic spanish mom. I should know I have one.

I think she likes the drama and she uses it to manipulate you. It sounds more negative than it really is when i write it lol. It's cultural. If your mom isn't spanish well then dang we need to make her an honorary member ;-) Anyway, I think you have to ignore her. Like I said she is trying to get you to do what she wants. Don't reward that by giving her attention or giving her what she wants. The hard part is you can't ignore her either.. just don't give her drama.. it's what she wants. When she says that about the jackets just say really nicely. Mom you know I love you and I thought my wedding would be really special if you made the jackets. But if this is too much for you I can drop them or maybe one of the other girls has a mother that can sew them instead. I really wanted them to be from you but it's okay" and then totally drop it. She'll come around.

It's obvious that family means a lot to your mother and she feels having your cousin in the wedding is important. That's not a bad thing it's just the way she is trying to do it is not nice. I really feel for you.

Answer 4

Ok honey, take a deep breath.

It's ok. This will ALL work out! This is, unfortunately, the ugly side of planning a wedding...the stress, the drama, the hurt feelings. It'll all work out, it'll all be ok, and it'll all be over soon LOL.

It's best to be honest with your cousin that way there is no future drama. Tell your cousin honestly that way it's out in the open and *you're* the one to break the news.

"So Ann, I just wanted you to hear it from me first, I was going to have AJ be in the wedding but she turned out to be not a great idea. I'm thrilled though because that means YOU get to be in my wedding! At first I was going to have you be the guest book attendent, since I wasn't sure if you wanted to be a bridesmaid, but I'm really glad you're in my wedding party now"... see, it's ok to fib a little ;P

Now about the mama. Just let it go, she's probably just as stressed out as you are. Send her an email back saying:
"Mom, you know I love you, but I think tonight's argument could have won us a spot on Bridezilla!" Laugh about it, because tomorrow, this isn't going to be such a big deal as it is at this moment. Apologize if you need to and let it go. You don't need this stress and unneccesary drama.

Good luck honey, give us an update tomorrow!

Answer 5

What you feel when you die, depends on if you chose a good life (Light) or bad (dark)... If you are a Christian, Hypotheticly speaking and you have not confessed and asked for forgiveness you will suffer before you die for everything you've not dealt with repented from. If you are right with God it is either quick and painless or if you have talked to God about it and want to get your life in order first, he'll give you that time and you will be more comfortable... You can give up the ghost whenever you choose. We all have free will here. That came from us eating that darn fruit. We are fallen beings. What free will is, you know good and evil and you have free will to choose either. If you choose God (good, Light) and also Choose Jesus as the last blood sacrifies for sin, you can confess and repent your sins and death won't be hard on you. We are here to pass tests, but if you don't pass, you will continually go through the same test afer test all your life until you learn it and pass. Then you go on to learn the next test. God wants you to be the best you can be. That will depend on which leval of heaven you go to. I have been there but that is a long story. But there "is" life after death. The process of death itself is all a Christian has to fear. That is the scary part since it can hurt a lot. The place between this world and the next is scary but once over there is no pain, sadness, nothing but unconditional love and acceptance. It is kind of like fainting. You feel like you are dying and won't come back when you faint. I hope I have helped you and not offended you. I do beleave there are other ways to get to heaven, but the road is narrow if you choose to take that route.

Answer 6

Number one: Stop trying to please mom. It's not her wedding.

Number two: Don't put her in the middle of the bridesmaid thing...YOU handle it. She should not be discussing it or calling ANYONE. That is YOUR job. Don't talk to her about it at all. It's none of her business. Her job is to just show up and look fabulous (tell her that).

Number 3: Don't put anyone in the wedding just because you feel you "have to" or so there is an even number of attendents or any other reason other than these are people you love and want to have in your ceremony. Sounds to me like "Ann" sees the writing on the wall. Let her off the hook and forget it.

Number 4: if you don't want the girls to gossip, tell them the truth and then tell them to drop it.

Number 5: annoying emails from mom (affectionatly known in our home as e-nagging) should be deleted immediately and ignored. Responding to them only makes it worse.

Number 6: TEll mom to switch from Zoloft to Prozac and have a glass of wine...that will mellow her out...

Answer 7

I hate to say this... I have seen you on here daily (as I have been too, so close to the wedding date) But it seems like you are stressing too much about this wedding... I know you feel the need to have everything perfect and there is nothing wrong with it, however, you and your fiancee need to remember that no matter what happens on your wedding day, whether planned or not, that the ultimate goal is to become husband and wife. Perhaps you need to downscale this wedding so that you can stay focused on what is really important... and that is you as a couple... tell your mother that although you appreciate that she orginally wanted to help, that she needs to just handle what she has already started and not add tasks on herself like making the jackets...(especially if she is just going to rub it in your face)... if she starts acting up again... scare her by threatening to elope... lol.... Be Strong and Good luck....

Answer 8

Wow! Seems like you just can't please anyone. I'm really glad that you kicked out the other girl, I really don't think she had your best interests in mind. As for everything else, I think everyone needs to just step back and take a chill pill. I think that you should stop talking to your mom about the arrangements until she realizes that she's not making your life any easier, and is in fact making it worse.
Not long ago my mom and I were having a fight, and she was screaming at me on the phone. I took a deep breath, counted to 10 and said, "Mom. I'm not trying to cause problems. I am trying to make the most of my life. I think that we both need to sit back and take a breath, and realize that we need to live everyday like it's our last. Because it could be. Fighting is not going to solve anything, and instead it's going to make everything worse." I think this really hit home because a year and a couple months ago her oncologist told her that she had 2 years at most to live, so I think that she's trying to keep that in mind everyday-that everyone really has a limited amount of days, and we don't get a do over. (BTW she's doing just fine, and went into remission)
I think that you should hole up for a few days, chill out yourself, forget about the wedding, read a good book or watch some of your favorite movies, and spend some time with your fiance. Because in the end, he's going to be the one that is most important on your wedding day.
My advice: Relax, take a couple of days off, don't think about the wedding, don't talk about the wedding, don't make any arrangements for the wedding, and remember what life was like before you got engaged. I just keep thinking that you're getting married in April- and it's still 5 months away. If everything keeps snowballing the way that it has been, you're going to be a huge emotional mess in February and March. That wouldn't be fun for anyone. Remember! Weddings are supposed to be fun! And you're not supposed to feel guilty about anything!
And when you talk to your mom (and anyone else about anything volatile) just let it roll off your back. Let them participate however they want, and don't get sidetracked with their drama.
In the end all that matters is that you're going to spend the rest of your life with a wonderful man.

Answer 9

OK.. well call your mom and tell your your really stressed about the wedding.. your only concern was that you did not want a fight about you kicking the other girl out of the wedding..you were not trying to cerate drama.. and of course you need all the help you can get as a wedding is so stress full.. point out she should know this as she got married

Answer 10

That sounds stressful. There has been some good comments on here.
Keep your eye on the prize: when its all over, youll be still by happily married and it wont matter whether your presumptuous mother asked the ringbearer or not, or whether the girls got their boleros or not.