Is it horrible?

Question

Ok so I am not going to tell you my age because that will efffect the answers you give me so i am not going to say that... Well i am 21 weeks and well i have chosen a nice couple whom i know can handle a child to give my baby girl to. I have an ultra on the 20th and i have invited the wife along to see her. Well recently i have been thinking that i want to keep my baby. i even have a great name for her (Zina) but i dont know how to tell the family i want to keep her. or if i even really what to keep her. Is it horrible to do to the couple. I mean there are other families to choose from arn't there i mean i'm not their last hope.

I never said that the name is all i can give her. I can give her a loving mother and a good life with me. It may be hard at times but isnt it hard for everyone with or with out kids. And i dont care if some of you dont like the name it is going to be after a grandmother. So it is perfect expecailly don't say anything about the name because that is really disrespectful to do. The name is actually from Russia where the grandmother was born thank you very much for all the people that are actually trying to help others. not be mean...

Answer 1

Yes, it's horrible to tell people that they're going to have a baby, then say, "Just kidding! Ha ha!" But that's not the worst part. The worst part is what will happen to your baby if you keep her. You sound like you aren't able to do a good job raising her. Sounds like she won't have a father around. Kids need a father, and it'd be incredibly selfish of you to force her to grow up without a father just because you weren't strong enough to give her up.

But hey, there are advantages to having girls who grew up without fathers. The world needs strippers. In about 18 years, your daughter could be one of them.

Answer 2

Congratulations to you and Zina, that is a beautiful name.

Don't stress about how to tell potential adopters you are mothering your baby. Their family building strategies is NOT your responsibility. As another expecting mother once said "those people want any baby, I only want mine"

Any parents with integrity will be pleased for you two, others who are selfish may say unkind things.

Don't allow anyone who isn't supportive of you parenting your baby to go your appointments. This is you and your daughter's time. I hope you have an enjoyable pregnancy and birth. You are the mother Zina chose. Nobody could take your place in her eyes.

Being pregnant unexpectatly can be scary, but when you hold her, and nourish her at your breast, it is all going to feel so natural and right. Breastfeeding will deepen your connection and your mothering instincts. All is going to be well

Answer 3

Noone can answer this question for you sweetie, and Zina is a perfectly fine name. I went to school with a girl who's name was Zina. I think it will hurt the couple very much and I certainly wouldn't invite her to an ultrasound until you are certain of your choice because that will only make things harder. But you do need to make your decision, if you decide to keep this baby will you have support from the father or your own family? You are going to need to prepare things for the baby so time is of the essence. If you are having second thoughts that doesn't make you horrible it makes you human. Best of luck hon! YOUR FIFTEEN???? of course that will affect our answers we don't want to see another baby in a garbage can..............where are your parents in this?

Answer 4

Hi Youcantseeme,

Tell the couple that you wish them well, but now that you're further along in your pregnancy, your daughter has become more of a reality to you and you have decided you are going to keep her. You may want to do this before the ultrasound.

This is not horrible, to keep your own child. Yes, they will probably feel sad and disappointed for themselves. That's understandable. No, you are not their last hope, and even if you were, she is still your daughter, not theirs.

If you find it completely impossible in the future to provide for your daughter and both your entire family and the father's entire family plus the father are ALL unsupportive plus you cannot locate enough assistance, you could still look into open adoption like you'd been considering.

Her name is lovely, and even nicer that it has family meaning.

Did you check out Girl-Mom.com (check out their feature stories and especially their forums) or Origins-USA.org for help with planning out how you will meet your needs and Zina's?

What you need right now (after letting the prospective adopters know your decision) is knowledge of and access to all resources available to you and your baby. Write down everyone and everything/place in your life who or which may be able to help and support you. Parents, teachers, counselors, extended family members, government, websites, pregnant student programs, assistance from religious groups, free parenting classes, whatever and whomever you can find.

Congratulations on making your decision. I'm sure that because of your age you might encounter continued pressure to give her away. Seek out lots of support, both emotional and practical (financial). Taking these steps now will help ensure that you will never be forced to lose her.

Answer 5

Oh some of these posts are so mean! You have a RIGHT to that child. I had my first at 19. I was living with my parents, didn't have a job or a car, just started college. NOT a good time to have a baby. I NEVER once considered giving the baby up. I started working at a day care to learn how to change diapers, feeding, schedules, etc. I worked my butt off to support the baby. Now she's 2 and I live on my own, bought my own car, I'm almost done with school and I work at the day care she goes to. It IS possible. It probably would hurt that family b/c they're looking forward to it but right now its your decision to make. There are thousands (maybe millions) of babies that NEED adopted b/c their parents don't WANT them or CANT keep them. It is YOUR decision. Just think about it long and hard! Good luck with your decision. Either way, congratulations on the blessing of carrying a baby!

Answer 6

No it is not horrible. If you are involved with an agency please do not let them talk you into changing your mind. They will try very hard to do so. Coercive tactics will be used, they will tell you all manner of things to try and make you believe you can be a good mother to your baby. (Zina is a lovely name by the way, family names are a wonderful way to stay linked to your heritage) Tell the prospective adopters now, please don't wait. Yes they will be uspet and hurt, but in all honesty they will get over the loss of "Their baby." They are in love with the ideal of this baby, not the real baby. That comes afterwards.

You are you childs mother and the bond between you did indeed start the day she started to grow inside you. The bond between mother and child is a wonderous thing, and nothing will ever break that bond. There are many supports in place for young mothers, those include the girlmom website and adoptioncrossroads. Origins is also a wonderful place to get the information you really need about your options. Including your right to parent your child. I am a member of the Board of Directors and we do have resource lists and a myriad other things that will help you in your decision to parent.

As for telling these people that you have changed your mind, I think I have to agree that e-mail may be easiest. Sounds really tacky I know, but without a face to face meeting it may be easier for you to stick to your decision. The pap's may try to coerce you in to going through with the adoption with the same coercive tactics the agencies use, and with emotional blackmail. NO not all of them would do that, but keep in mind it is possible. Do not let the prospective mother go to your appointments with you. This is your time no elses, and for your own peace of mind no one who is not supportive of you decision should ever attend appointments with you. Pap's attending appointments is a sublte yet coercive tactic used in some cases to make you feel as if your child is already gone from you, and it is wrong. Please don't listen to the naysayers on here, they don't think about the lifelong consequences for you or for your child! IF they did they would not say such nasty things would they?

Answer 7

This is hard... very hard.

First of all, if you are even thinking about changing your mind, let the agency/ family know NOW. Tell them thank you and goodbye. You can always change your mind again later, and decide to place after all, but don't string them along if you are even the tiniest bit unsure. Adoptive parents get very attached to the IDEA of a child. Let them down now... not later. DON'T take her to your appointment with you.

Remember you don't OWE them anything more than an explanation...you certainly don't owe them your daughter.

If you are at a loss for words, tell them that you have decided to make your decision AFTER the baby is born.. that you have just started to feel her move, and now she is suddenly REAL... not just the idea of a baby...and you need to take your time to reach an informed, adult decision about something that is going to affect your family for the rest of your lives.

If you have family support, if you have childcare, and a job or school, if you feel you are ready to be a parent.... then be a parent.

You have to have a good support network, though. Being a single parent is about as tough as it gets.

Answer 8

It is not horrible!!! This is YOUR baby. What's horrible is surrendering your precious child in order to spare someone else's feelings. Of course your baby is not their last hope - there are far more adoptable children than there are prospective adoptive parents.

Yours is an example of why expectant mothers should never ever be considering adoption. Adoption should not even enter an expectant mother's mind until after the baby is born and they spend the first critical hours and days together.

First, it puts too much emotional stress on the mother and her baby (yes, the baby experiences it too). They will suffer for it, no matter what the outcome.

Second, the emotional bond that the mother feels with her baby gets stronger as the pregnancy advances. Agencies and PAPs too often take advantage of this and pressure the mother into making an "adoption plan" early in her pregnancy, hoping she will maintain her commitment to them.

Surrendering one's child to adoption is not a decision that should be made in the whirlwind of hormonal changes that occur during pregnancy or in the days, even weeks, afterward.

Answer 9

It is important that you do what is best for you and the baby...Now that being said if you are thinking about pulling out of the adoption I believe that you should talk to the prospective adoptive parents about your concerns. They have a right to know that you may not be still fully committed just so they can prepare themselves. Their reaction to this news could help make the decision for you. If they freak out and become defensive, then you kinds know how they react when the going gets tough. If they are sympathetic, offer to help you find a counselor, etc then they are mature adults who truly want what is best for all involved.
I understand that you are getting excited, now you know its a girl, all the little baby clothes you see are so cute and you feel like it will all work out - and it might, but remember its not all cute outfits and beautiful names. You are reluctant to post your age so please consider that in your decision.
Good Luck!!!! I hope that it will all work out in the end!

Answer 10

If you want to keep this baby then dont ask the adopted mom to go into an ultrsound. That would just be mean to allow her to go and then you tell her oh by the way I am going to keep this baby. Just sit down and talk to them. Just make sure that you can give this baby a good home and provide for her. ITS your choice. You make it but make sure you can provide for her. Dont let others tell you what you do. You make the choice.

Answer 11

Either way, it is going to hurt. If you give the baby up it will hurt. If you decide to keep her it will hurt too - for the other family. If you are going to pull out of the arrangement it is just better to do it earlier than later. There is nothing worse than having them involved for the next twenty weeks then changing your mind. BUT, regardless of what you do - get lots of advice. Move slowly, make no promises until it is necessary. Do you have a crisis pregnancy center in the area? Are your parents supportive? Do you have friends you can lean on? This is a huge decision and not an easy one. There are no easy answers to this question. Just be sure you know what is right and stick to it and be honest through the whole process - even if it means someone gets hurt along the way.