My parents are relatively well-to-do and I am the only daughter. They have not offered any financial assistance for the wedding and I don't expect them to. But my fiancé's parents have already offered $. I know that they are hard-working and have paid for their 4 daughter's weddings in recent years. I know they mean well, but I am embarrassed to take if my OWN parents don't even offer.
I told my fiancé that if my parents don't offer, then we're paying it all on our own. I guess I'm stubborn because I think the reason they offered is because their family so LARGE and they expect more guests and they just want to help.
My mom knows our financial situation, and I'm afraid that if she finds out we accepted help from his family...it might cause some major tension. But if I tell her, she will think I'm asking for $. My mom and I are on good terms, but don't have a close mother/daughter relationship.
Any ideas on how I can handle this situation?
2007-11-12 07:14:21 · 11 answers · asked by mzsunrize 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
About the large family...he has 6 siblings and they are all married with kids, he also has several aunts and uncles. So you're looking 40, not including cousins or friends of the family.
I have 2 brothers (one married) and 3 sets of uncles and aunts.
2007-11-12 07:28:47 · update #1
If your in-laws offered then I wouldn't turn it down just because your parents won't do the same. Consider it their wedding gift to the two of you.
And if your mom asks what they gave you can be a) honest and tell her the dollar amount or b)say it like "oh they helped pay for the band (or whatever it is you'd like to say, that way no dollar amount ever comes up).
And if you feel like your in-law's gift is too much for them, give it back over time. When you all go out to dinner in the future, pick up the tab. Buy them nice Christmas gifts. They're happy for you and this is how they want to express it.
2007-11-12 08:24:38 · answer #1 · answered by Rob A 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would let them pay for something but not a lot. Sounds like they really want to help so let them.
You don't need to discuss it with your parents at all. Particularly if they are not offering any financial help (shameful!). It's none of their business. If they find out and they are offended, that's THEIR problem. You can tell them that too. If they get offended, it's only their own guilt making them feel that way. So don't worry about it.
You might as well get used to not trying to please everyone. A wedding in about the two of you, nobody else. Don't try and make anyone else happy except yourselves.
However, perhaps your parents WANT you to ask? Maybe they want to know that you want them to be part of this? I would at least give them the opportunity to help. I suspect it may be your OWN pride keeping you from asking them. They may think your fiance has plenty of money, even though you say your mom "knows" your financial situation.
or perhaps they are not offering because they don't approve of the wedding? in that case, who cares, do what you want.
2007-11-12 15:49:52 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would take the money they offer- my fiance's parents offered to do something as well, so what his step-mom did, was took me shopping for some beads and wire because I'm making these crystal bouquets. She bought pretty much enough for it all! I think she enjoyed taking me shopping to get the things I needed, and she really said she was happy to help us because it was something they were wanting to do. They don't have all the money in the world either, but they were really excited to be a part of it all :)
In this situation, not sure if I'd tell your parents if your fiance's give you money. This way your mom won't think you are asking her, and you will feel better about doing it on your own- trust me! I wish we were! My mom and I are a little like you and your mom. My mom has all the money she needs to pay for a wedding for her only daughter, yet she is holding it over my head! And I think she will until the day she dies. I keep telling her we can just hold the wedding off and my fiance and I will save and pay for it all ourselves. She told me not to do that... but people paying for our wedding- we are paying quite a bit ourselves, then my fiance's parents pitched in a litte, my dad a little and the rest my mom. My parents are divorced, and I think my Mom plans on dropping my dad half of the bill...which he can't afford, so I'm going crazy at times with her expecting my dad to pay for so much. She's also the type where I tell her we can save money by doing A), but she goes and blows a lot on something say we don't need! ugh! I feel you!
good luck and really, try to enjoy being engaged and enjoy all the details of your wedding as well :) My mom will give me a couple of months-sometimes just a week or two, and then she has me bawling my eyes out because she's not being cool at all. I need to just tell her either she pay for this wedding (with our and my fiance's parents help on what we can do), or we are holding it off a few months period.
2007-11-12 08:43:31 · answer #3 · answered by m930 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Interesting situation. Maybe what you can do is come up with how much you and your fiance can afford and how many guests that includes. Since your fiance's family is rather large, if there are individuals that the in-laws want to invite, just have them pay for the extra guest. For example, if you and your fiance can only afford 150 guest but his family say that they want to invite 50 more people, then they will pay for those extra people.
I think that's fair and I can't see how your parents will have an issue with that being that they are just paying for the extra people from their side of the family.
Good luck
2007-11-12 07:22:55 · answer #4 · answered by tohumanity 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You don't have to tell your mother anything about taking the money. But you also need to be prepared for the obligations that come with accepting the cash. You know they are giving this so their extended family can come. Giving you money means they DO have a say over the guest list.
I would be honest with your fiancee's parents about why you are hesitant. In the end you will have tension either way because without this money you will probably have to not inivite much of his family.
2007-11-12 07:23:07 · answer #5 · answered by pspoptart 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I don't see the need to discuss this with your mother... if they were able to help with wedding costs they surely would have offered by now. If you really could use the money offered by your new in laws... perhaps ask your FMIL out to lunch and discuss the situation... explain that although the money would come in handy, you feel bad since your parents are not able to help with costs and you wouldn't want any tension... if she still insists on helping... then graciously accept. Good luck and Congrats!
2007-11-12 08:13:26 · answer #6 · answered by daniegirl917 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I say take the money, it's a gift. Plus, you are looking at this completely from YOUR standpoint. What about your Fi? Does he want HIS parents money? If so, they take it. You should talk about the gift your Future in laws want to give, but ultimately...it's his decision to take the money, b/c their his parents.
All I've heard about is YOUR feelings about the money. His parents aren't giving YOU the money, they are giving it to you and HIM (him as in their SON).
I can't tell you want to do about your mother. Personally, I'm close with my mother. So, I would have already talked to her about this "gift" I would have said, "Mom, Fi's parents want to give up money for the wedding? I feel funny taking it, what do you think I should do?" But, like I said......I have an easy time talking to me mom.
I would take the money, they would not have offered if they didn't really want to help.
2007-11-12 08:28:28 · answer #7 · answered by J'adore 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I like your wait & see approach.
You could also accept the money from your in-laws and not say anything to your parents about it either.
My only concern is your comment about the in-laws 'expecting' more guests. Does this mean if they pitch in they have more say in your guest list?
2007-11-12 07:19:43 · answer #8 · answered by nova_queen_28 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Firstly, you dont have to tell your parents about the money. Secondly, your future in laws have offered the money because they wanted too, dont insult them by refusing. They have 4 daughters and a son and want to treat him the same. You are very lucky to have such giving future in laws
2007-11-12 07:33:15 · answer #9 · answered by Dory 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Just politely decline, and go with the type of wedding you and your bf can afford yourselves. You'll appreciate everything MUCH more that way.
2007-11-12 22:36:32 · answer #10 · answered by Lydia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋