My husband of 2 years won't attend or only stays for a short while at my family functions.?

Question

When we ride together he pressures me to leave early without helping my family with clean-up and doesn't want to hang around to talk, etc. We now ride separately. Yet, he expects me to attend his family functions and act like part of the family, be happy and bubbly, and engaging, etc. I have become spiteful because I feel that he and my SD are being rude to my family. They leave, while my 2 kids and I stay to enjoy the family. I love his family and we all get along. However, I have gone to recent functions with his family and been very quiet and not very social. I'm not mean to them, but I really don't want to be there because he hasn't been fair. He claims he loves my family, but what's with the EAT and RUN! Very inconsiderate and I'm sick of it! I have a very close knit family and they always ask where my husband and SDaughter are. Might be a problem soon.

I'm not being a WITCH when I'm with his family. I have respect for myself AND others and if we're still together, I will see his family for the rest of my life. Why make my life miserable just to try to get back at him? I was perfectly fine until I noticed his pattern. Now I'm asking myself if I had a false sense of comfort with his family. He did not get along with his former inlaws . . total WAR! Why should my family pay? He brags to everyone on the outside about how much he loves my family and how good it is to finally be able to get along with inlaws. Yet, his behavior says differently. To my knowledge no one has done anything to him or SD except embrace them. He did tell me while dating that he did not like to linger at social gatherings and there were a few events where we left early. Not a problem. The family IS a problem. . that' s not a social event. He stays for his family gatherings and for events where he can be the center of attention.

Answer 1

it sounds obvious to me that your husband has a problem with one or more of your family members and is uncomfortable hanging out with them.
like most guys he probably doesn't like to talk about such things and will tel you its nothing if you were to inquire about it.
your best bet is to first be understanding and show him your support this will make him comfortable and the truth will come into light.
you can try breaking the ice with him by talking about your family's bad habits you'll find if he feels your on his side he'll be more quick to talk about whats bothering him

Answer 2

i understand this on so many different levels. well, some of it. i think he just feels more comfortable with his family. well, that seems to be obvious. i have come to hate going to my husband's family events because SOME of the family made it very clear that they weren't happy that we got married "so soon" after his divorce. he had been seperated for a couple of years. i insisted that i wouldn't marry him unless we had counseling before and during our marriage. we both came from bad marriages and we are blending families and i know the statistics on this being a success are low. i feel that we could both benefit from a neutral party on how we can get through this.

anyways, his teenage kids and parents have been the problem, not his siblings and wives. they are happy for us. apparently the mom always dissapproves of the new wives and puts them through hell. she's nice, but in a cold, aloof way. i hate social gatherings to begin with, but going to their functions leaves me depressed and my husband can turn into a kid in a second. for some reason he needs to be perceived as a "victim". we get along great, but when we get around his family, all of a sudden he'll out of the blue throw a fit, like i've done something to him. i'm tired of the embarrassment. plus his kids are so rude, i rather not endure their behavior and he doesn't follow the counselors advice and tell them what she's advised him to do. he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain on how to handle certain situations.

i see that you have a SD too. that's a whole issue in itself. i think that has everything to do with it. he is inconsiderate and his daughter hasn't been taught any different. as a parent, he ain't that great in role modeling. neither is mine. if you get along with his family, don't change your behavior. you've done the right thing in deciding to go in seperate cars. i don't think it's your fault, it's just a matter of trying to make him see how he hurts you.

i've told my husband after the last family dinner fiasco, that i won't be attending thanksgiving with him, that i've made other plans. we're seeing a counselor in an hour, maybe i'll have something more helpful then. best wishes. i may not have been alot of help, but i hope you know that you're not alone and he is being a jerk to you.

Answer 3

Sound like there is a problem now.

From your side of the story I hear that your husband is not comfortable around your family or around "strangers" but he is comfortable around his own family. Or he may not particularly like your family but he is being civil to you and them.

On the other hand you say you love his family and you all get along yet you went one time and was not your usual self because you thought her was being unfair. So you were getting even.

Where does "stand by my man" come in. I am missing I love my husband. I am missing "we are family". God made man and woman so that they would leave their families and cleave together and make their own family.

The time you are together with his family - have a blast - stop pouting and think that life is suppose to go your way or it is not fair. When he is with your family - brag on him. Make him feel like he is some king of the hill at your house. I am guaranteeing you that you will have more fun.

Answer 4

Huge problem! So was he like this before you married? If not remind him of the person you married. If he has been this way then it is your fault and you must get over it. I would stop inviting him, he should not be able to eat all the good food and then run, that is not what family time is about. And maybe if the SD wanted to stay and felt comfortable doing so she would, so dont blame her. It has only been 2 years that she knows these people. Remember she is not in love like you two are/were she is forced into this family.

Answer 5

Well, I act the same way with my husbands family, he may just be uncomfortable-does your family judge him like they would your first boyfriend? Or, worst case is he is just bored with your family. The best idea would be to ask him, most relationships dont last long enough simply because one of the two expects the other to know exactly what you're thinking-he may not know you are bothered by it so much. When you ask him be sure not to yell or be angry before he answers.Really try to see it from his point, if he does say he gets bored there,then ask him what he would like to do when you go. For example, I love horses but have never ridden one, I would hang out with your family for hours if I could ride a horse. Hope this helps!!

Answer 6

I had the same problem, only mine got conveniently sick 10 minutes before we left EVERY time. I have since learned that he was just inconsiderate of my feelings as it seems your is the same way. I also had the Sson to deal with and if he didn't want to go, which was most if not all the time, Dad would pull the sick routine even more. I can almost bet that it has alot to do with his daughter not wanting to go. He is in a family unit and should act that way. He is not showing his daughter how to be considerate either. He's gone, my problem solved. Good Luck.

Answer 7

You need to talk to him and find out if his uncomfortable with your family. Is your family making him uncomfortable or bored? If your being social with his family no need to stop now b/c of him...that would be wrong. show him your better plus if they like you and you like them whats the point? You can try and do exactly what he does when your around his family,leave earlier and see if he likes it. If he doesn't then it's a good time to ask him why he does it to your family? This is really not a big deal. Maybe eventually you may even get used to these habits and it wont matter at all...

Answer 8

Tough one. I'd say don't even have him come. Let your family know you really DON'T have any IDEA why he is acting this way, but you don't want to put up with it, so he won't be coming any more. Then, don't go to his events unless you really want to.

Ok, this isn't really PC, but it's a sore spot, isn't it? Have you asked him point blank to explain the difference? If so, have you demanded he stick with the subject instead of going on about you nagging him about it? The baseline is, you both have families, and you want to have full participation on his end of it because that's what he expects, and apparently gets, from you.

I'd ask him up front...what's the difference between going to your family's, and going to his. If he tries to weasel, be calm, but insistent. Repeat it. Tell him the exact details of what you see as differences. If he won't answer the question, or wants to change the subject, then you may just want to do what i said in the first part. Just let him know you'll be telling your family he won't be coming any more because of his negative behavior.

Good luck...this is awful stuff when people act this way.

Answer 9

Maybe your husband & stepdaughter are shy around people they don't know very well....of course, they'll never get to know your family if they continue to behave this way.

I'd sit down with the two of them & ask them straight out why it is that they feel the need to eat & run when your family does the hosting. How do you suppose they'd feel if you & your children did the same thing when it came to THEIR family?

It seems to me that if all 5 of you can't act as one family, there's definitely going to be a lot of issues in the future.

Answer 10

Well, it's time to STOP riding seperate and put your foot down. If you make the effort to spend quality time with your husband and HIS family then he should do the same for you...By you driving seperate you've already given him permission to leave. So, if you all drive together then you will have to leave together.... !!!! Also, it's NOT his families fault that your husband is not being fair... So, I wouldn't take out your frustrations out on them by being quiet, reserved or whatever.. See them enjoy their company and have a GREAT time.. Hope he can do the same with your family.... So, have a chat with your husband BEFORE the holidays and let him know that you plan on driving together and leaving together. Besides, gas is going to be so expensive why drive seperate !!! Or simply tell him that your family has been feeling slighted that he and his SD leave early...Good luck

Answer 11

Address this right away let him know that if he expects you to stay and go to his family functions then he is gonna have to start going and treating your family with the same courtesy. If nothing changes then stop going all together. Let him know that your just as close to your family as he is to his as for the SD she is only doing what her father is doing she is to be put on notice as well she must help with clean up and be respectful of your family as well. If he can't see what you are saying then maybe you need to rethink your relationship because if he can't be respectful to your family imagine friends that he does not care for or people in general it's not right or fair.