son was abused as a child - not by either my husband or I or his brother, (my brother) we reported it went to court pervert found not guilty due to my sons age and perverts money. Got counsiling for our family and him - moved away from the area -he seemed ok but now that hes in his 20's he cant forget or forgive -we are a reminder of all that happened to him - we have not had contact with My brother since he did this -infact for 15 years we have not been to any family functions where he will be . this includes all holidays - my family celebrates alone. our son has moved in with girlfriend said he didnt feel comfortable around us because just looking at us brings the past right in his face although we dont talk about what happened to him unless he brings it up.
Our family is falling apart because we love him but when he looks at us he is filled with hate for us because of what happened when he was young. My husband , I and 15 yr old son are broken hearted over his hatred.
2007-11-12 07:00:38 · 7 answers · asked by tammy 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
thats so hard, I'm so sorry. It sounds like these wounds go deeper than a quick fix. Have you tried family counselling? Even if he won't go, I think it would help you to talk about what you've been through, on your own, with a counsellor.
2007-11-12 07:04:11 · answer #1 · answered by Janelle 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your son is a grown man, and he's going to have to find a way. Sounds like he's taking it out on you because he didn't get any resolve in his young life. Was this your fault? Only you know the answer to that. If it was, write him a letter explaining yourself and apologize. If not, then get some family counseling for the rest of the family so you can put your guilt to rest. He might say he has a reason, but frankly I think this is just a grown man who wants to move in with his g/f. Why is he mad at his brother? Do what you can to keep their relationship together, but just let your older son go his own way. He'll grow up eventually.
2007-11-12 07:07:08 · answer #2 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, you can't make your son forget his past. He's an adult and responsible for himself and part of his responsibility is to create a life for himself that helps him to heal of his past wounds. If, as part of this, he does not want to be reminded of what happened and he feels that you're a reminder, then he's made his choice.
All you can do is love and support the decisions he makes, do what you can to let him know that you're there for him if he ever needs you--but you have to respect his decisions in terms of what he needs to do to heal.
Perhaps someday, he will forgive and move forward, but you have no control over his choices or how long this process of healing will take.
2007-11-12 07:06:52 · answer #3 · answered by Tikva 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, you are definitely going through an unfathomably hard time - to add onto the hard time that you have already dealt with in the past.
If this is a new behavior for your son (as in he hasn't exhibited in the last 15 years - if I read that correctly - since it happened), then there may be something in his life that is triggering him to basically relive it. Is this his first serious, longterm relationship? If he just now being sexually active? Was his current girlfriend abused when she was younger?
Sometimes as children who have had traumatic childhoods grow up, the experiences that they basically buried as children to survive creep back up into their consciousness and they don't know how to deal with it.
My only advice to you is to be patient. Let him know that you love him and you are willing to do what he needs to in order to feel safe. Offer to help find him counceling, but don't over pressure the idea. Unless he's really ready to deal with him demons, it won't help anyway. He may just have to work through this on his own and years down the road realize that you are not to blame - as hard as that may be for you.
My family went through this with my cousin. After having a horrible family life growing up - because of his mom, who my uncle was able to finally rescue him from, my cousin grew up to resent and disown my uncel b/c he blamed him for all the problems. This was apparently triggered by entering into a serious relationship and contemplating a family of his own. I guess this caused him to reflect on his own family and he couldn't deal with the memories.
He ultimately realized the truth of the situation and was able to find his own peace with his past. It took several years, but my cousin finally began talking to my uncle and the rest of the family. He now calls my grandparents at least once a week, calls his dad all the time, and continually shares pictures and updates of his children.
I hope the same happens with your son - except on a faster timeframe.
Good luck .
2007-11-12 07:12:19 · answer #4 · answered by teel2624 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is hard for you. The anger comes from him feeling like you should have protected him and kept this from happening at all. But as adults and parents we know that no matter how hard you try sometimes, you can't always protect them.
It sounds like to me that as soon as you found out, you did all of the right things and are still trying to do the right thing.
It is much easier for him to displace his anger for his Uncle and for the unfairness of the situation on you than it is for him to direct it at the Uncle whom won't accept any responsibility.
Instead of walking around on egg shells, I think it is time to bring the real issues into light. Tell him you know he blames you and that's okay. You should have protected him and you would of if you could. It is okay for him to feel angry, betrayed, confused and hurt.
Obviously, if he is still this angry and can't deal with it so frequently then he needs more help and therapy in coping with it. Offer to help him with this, go with him, support him during it etc..., Let him know as angry as he is with you, you still love him and always will.
2007-11-12 07:10:59 · answer #5 · answered by wondermom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
try to send him letters which say how you are sorry for what happened when he was younger and how it wasn't right but it wasn't your fault. ask him if you guys could see him for one last time. if he says yes, talk to him when you see him and let him know that you love him and that what had happened in the past will never ever happen again. promise him that. then, try to change the subject to get the idea of the past in the back of his mind so he won't think about his childhood but what you had told him. i hope this advice helps out! Good luck. I hope everything works out! : )
2007-11-12 07:09:37 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i'm sad to read this and i am sorry that this is happening to your family. and it is unfortunate that your son has these feelings. just love him i guess. that's all you can really do is love him, and make sure you tell him that, as often as you can. and make sure he knows that you are there for him. he's the only one that can change that attitude. hopefulyl one day when he ses you he will be filled wih an overwhelming sense of love, but intil that time, just love him. i don't know what your beliefs are, but prayer helps, if only to soothe your soul. i hope that things do turn around for you though. i really do. you're in my thought and prayers ma'am
2007-11-12 07:09:35 · answer #7 · answered by mandarinsdream 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋