Is it okay to encourage my 3 year old step daughter to call me mommy?

Question

My 3 year old step daughter and I are very close. She loves for me to do her hair, dress her up, hold her, etc. all the things that mommies do with their little girls basically. (her mother doesnt show her that much attention) Once she called me mommy and then became shy like she wasnt sure if she should. I dont mind and my husband thinks its adorable . He even says he wishes I was her mom instead. His ex girlfriend still loves my husband and I know she would not like her daughter calling me mommy. If i dont mind her calling me mommy and her dad doesnt is it okay to encourage her to do so and let her know its okay to call me mommy if she wants to or should I encourage her NOT to do it?

My step daughter is well aware of who her mom is so i dont think she would be confused at this age.

Answer 1

ONLY if the girl and her biological Mother are OK with it...anything else is very disrespectful even if her real Mom doesn't pay much attention to her. She's still her Mother!

Answer 2

I would pick another "name" for her to call you. If she calls her biological mother "mommy" you could be anything but that - even your first name would be OK. It's not about the name or the "position" you hold in the family - it's about the love you show the child - it's about making her feel safe. Many step-children are closer to their step-parent than their biological parent for reasons too numerous to list - but they often resent the ones who try to force the relationship. Hugs don't necessarily need words.

Although your child may know who her "real" mommy is, she is still caught in the middle - no matter how hard you try to make it not that way. Children tend to blame themselves for the adult friction around them - so use caution with this one. Focus on the 3-year-old - not on what you and/or your husband "wish" was the reality.

Always, always take the high ground - never, never denigrate her mother - even when you know what your husband "wishes", even when her mother is wrong. This child will always love her mother - no matter what - and she can love you too - but with a step-parent, it is not necessarily unconditional. If you try to take the place of her bio-mom, you will, in the end, eventually lose.

So, love her and let her call you whatever - but not mommy.

Answer 3

Do not encourage her to call you mommy. You are only planting trouble down the road. Why don't you have her call you something special between the two of you? You are just going to strain her relationship with her natural mother. Put the shoe on the other foot-if you had a child and the step mother was called mommy you would and should be furious. It is one thing for a child to do it, but another for the step parent to encourage. If you want a child of your own have one with your husband, but let the child's mother continue to be her mother.

Answer 4

This is a tough one.

If you are married to this guy, you have a permanent relationship with your stepdaughters mother. I would try to minimize friction when possible, as there is sure to be plenty of it while the child is growing up for various reasons.

My suggestion would be to have a candid discussion about birth vs. step parents (at a level she can understand) and reserve "mommy" for the birth mother and encourage her to call you something else that is also a close term but let the birth mother have "mommy".

It's a really tough call, and although she may not show it I imagine the birth mother has some pretty strong feelings about her attachment to the child. I think you can accomodate that while also having a loving relationship with the child and have her use a common (but different) term of endearment for both of you.

Just my thoughts...

HoG.

"I wish everybody could just try to get along..."

Answer 5

Do you have children? And would you want them to call someone else mommy? Only allow her to do it. Do not encourage her to do it just let it happen. I speaking from a parent and step child my self. I was lucky enough to have a father and a daddy. My father put me on this earth but really was never close to me. My mama remarried when I was 4 and I got a daddy then. Im 33 now I still know both. But I can tell you my stepfather is my daddy and I love him with all of my heart. My mama and him divorced when I was 13 and still to this day if I call for him he will be there. Im sorry what Im getting at is I took it upon my self to call him daddy. I knew who both were.

Answer 6

I am sure you are a much better parent to your step-daughter and love her very much. All of your efforts and love will help her grow to be normal. However, at the end of the day you are not her mom. she has a real alive mom, whom she lives with, doesn't she? Even if she is the most God-awful, selfish rotten mother, she is still her mom and that's the truth. So brace yourself. This sounds like a situation where you (not necessarily Mom and Dad) have a lot to lose when things get rough. In the future, you could be the only voice of sanity in the bunch, once the parents try to use this precious little girl to attack each other. You should make some rules now about how everyone will be respecting everyone else - at least when they talk about the others in front of your step-daughter. This is critical, because her self-esteem will depend very heavily on her opinion of her parents - especially her mom. You do want her to have high self-esteem, don't you? Then if you do, everyone must act like a big-hearted sound-minded adult. I feel that you are probably the one with the most love to give and the most common sense, so please talk to your husband and get it all straightened out. Tell his daughter, "I am not your mom, but I love you very much. You are so special and precious to me. I know your mom loves you too so much, and so does your dad. You are so lucky to have so many people who love you!"

Answer 7

Well you have to think if your husband and you had a baby and your child called another woman mommy you know the same circumstance would you be OK with it? Anyways just a question to Ponder but Honestly I think if you and your Husband are OK with it and that's what the little girl is comfortable with then GO for it! Its really about what makes the child comfortable in this case! I think that its great that you are so loving towards this child some women can't mature enough when it comes to step children! Good Luck and Take care! I like the ideas thrown out there about "Mommy Shana" !

Answer 8

I think, in this situation, you should either talk to your step-daughters biological mother about it, or ask your husband to do so. Just telling her to go ahead with it, without the permission or support of her mother, will be sending a completely wrong message and send mixed signals to your step-daughter that could only end up confusing her, especially if her mother finds out and tells her to stop, whilst you are encouraging her to do the opposite.

Also, like somebody above, I think you should let her do it of her own accord, rather than encouraging her as such. A that age, she's still learning and developing her ideas about who is who and who does what in her life; if she's keen to call you mummy, and feels that it's appropriate within herself, then she will.

Answer 9

I would let your step daughter decide what to call you. If she knows who her mom is and knows you are her step mom and still want to call you mommy then go for it. Or maybe you can be "mommy (______) insert you first name"

I have a 1 yr old step daughter that we have custody of. She calls me "mama". I have neither encouraged or discouraged this. Her birth mother sees her and knows she calls me mama. We say that she is lucky since she has 3 parents who love her very much. I would never tell her I was her birth mom, but I would not deny the special relationship she and i have either.

Answer 10

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your step-daughter, but just because your husband wishes you were her mother doesn't mean you are.

You mention that her mother doesn't show her that much attention, but that doesn't strip her of feelings or the right to be "mommy". I'd talk to her directly - maybe you use slightly different names -mommy & mommy Lisa (whatever your name is) or something.

My son briefly called his daycare provider "mommy" because her own daughter was there and obviously called her "mommy". It was short-lived, clearly my son knew who his real mommy was, but I cried my eyes out just the same.

Answer 11

It is not okay to encourage it. Whether or not her biological mother pays much attention to her or not, don't encourage something that you know will cause an issue. Its not worth it.

The next time she calls you mommy try to get her to call you something else, maybe a special name just between you and her and make it special to her by making a hig deal out of it.

Good luck!!