I was asked to be a bridesmaid in the wedding of my husband's male cousin. My husband was a groomsman. I am social with the bride- but not really a close friend. Also, the wedding date fell on my only daughter's 4th b'day. Out of family obligation, I accepted. However, a month prior to the event she told me she did not want kids at the wedding. Since both my husband and I were in the wedding, our close family members were attending, and it was my daughter's birthday- I was hurt. After consideration, I agreed to respect the bride's wishes, change birthday plans, and asked my mom to babysit. As the wedding approached, I learned that another bridesmaid was going to bring her 4 mo. old. There was also a 6 year-old in the wedding party. On the wedding day, fifteen children (ages 7-12) & 3 babies attended. My daughter is very well behaved (I know everyone says that, but I'm a school teacher-trust me-she is!), we are family, & I am completely hurt. How/Should I approach her now?
2007-11-12 05:30:06 · 49 answers · asked by Christina 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Thank you to everyone for responding. While I do not have an opportunity to personally respond, I appreciate all of the perspectives. For added detail, I do understand that young babies should be included for breast feeding. I do understand that young kids IN the wedding don't count. And, I do know that people do not always honor an invitation's warnings. Yet, I also know that that several of the kids were those of HER close family members. I, honestly, don't see how she would be oblivious- or such close family being so oblivious to her wishes and cost-cutting concerns. Yet, as I have hopefully proven, I am a person of integrity and will give her an opportunity to explain. Just needed some back-up that what I was feeling was understandable.
p.s. My daughter had a lovely birthday breakfast yesterday and is perfectly fine with celebrating next weekend. Luckily, four-year-olds can be more understanding than adults! ;)
2007-11-12 09:13:21 · update #1
Be honest. Sit her down in a non confrontational manner and tell her you were hurt and why. If you don't then you will always wish you did, and hold it against her.
2007-11-12 05:33:42 · answer #1 · answered by Pretty in punk chick 3 · 8⤊ 1⤋
The child who was a member of the wedding party is an exception and doesn't count. Why be hurt when you were told by the bride that she didn't want kids at her wedding? It was HER wedding after all and she sould have had goatherders there if that's what she wanted. The other children may have been brought along by their parents despite having been told not to do so.
You talk about family but you chose to attend the wedding instead of celebrating your daughter's birthday. You made that decision. She's family too, isn't she? And a lot more closely related to you than your husband's male cousin.
Did your daughter lose some big part of her life by not attending? Was she permanently traumatized in some way? It's over and done with. Let it go.
2007-11-12 05:38:33 · answer #2 · answered by TweetyBird 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Before getting too offended I would sit down and talk with her honestly. It has been my experience that even at weddings that are specified as "adults only", some people rudely disregard this and bring their children anyway. I knew of someone who specifically mentioned in their invitations "no children" but ended up having 12 children attend the reception and didn't have enough chairs (they had name cards at every table). Very awkward!
Also, sometimes infants (not toddlers!) are not viewed as children because they don't take up seats and/or their mother may need to have them near for feeding time. Regarding the 6-year old in the wedding party: if a child is in the wedding party they also are usually not included in a "no children" wedding and reception as well.
You did the right thing in respecting her wishes...the other rude parents did not. Be proud of yourself for showing integrity even when it caused you grief, and listen to what she has to say first before becoming too angry. If you find that she singled you out to not have your child there, then you have every right to be upset and tell her so. However, if you find that she is totally innocent in the matter, you would feel terrible if you wrongly harbored a grudge.
2007-11-12 07:00:51 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yikes! You gave a lot up to be her bridesmaid, and she doesn't seem to have shown you much respect. Is there any chance that she didn't know the other kids were coming? Or did she just not want to have another two mouths to feed at the reception, since someone would have had to come to watch your daughter?
I would talk to her and let her know how much you gave up to support her on her special day, and ask her, POLITELY, why your daughter was not welcome when other children were. Let her know that you were happy to respect her wishes, and that, yes, it was her day, not your daughter's, but it still hurt you and your family. I mean, this little girl is the bride's family too, right?
2007-11-12 05:38:17 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ouch! And I'm a guy.
I am a believer in that children have a place and I don't necessarily like kids at weddings, however, that hurt.
That being said, maybe she changed her arrangement and forgot that she didn't tell you it was okay to bring kids? A bride has a lot to keep track of as a wedding approaches. For the sake of the family though I think I would not say anything. Just keep it in mind for the future. I hope your child's b-day was a good one, albeit late.
2007-11-12 05:36:47 · answer #5 · answered by Yoda 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I would be hurt too! But maybe the people who brought children brought them uninvited? I think there usually is a child or two in the wedding party...like as the flower girl or what not. Also, perhaps this person thought that because both you and your husband had roles in the wedding and would be "working" you wouldn't be able to look after you daughter. It was still very rude of them and I would talk to them about it.
2007-11-12 05:36:33 · answer #6 · answered by Cyndi 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
1. Babies under a year who still require breast-feeding are not usually part of the "no children" rules. Pretty much if the kid can walk they can't come.
2. How many people attended the wedding? What I mean is you only mentioned 15 kids. Trust me that there are completely inconsiderate people who bring their kids even AFTER they are explicitly told not to. Short of the bride hiring a doorman to send them packing back home there is nothing she can do to get rid of those people and their kids without making a huge scene.
I really don't think the bride intentionally snuffed just your daughter but was blindsided by incrediblly rude people and couldn't do much about it. If you think it's going to affect your relationship from now on you can talk to her, but if you can I would just let it go.
2007-11-12 06:20:55 · answer #7 · answered by pspoptart 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Nothing. Past is past. Keep your present and your future free of troubles especially with your husband.
If it hurt, it's because there's something to learn.... next time do whatever your heart dictates is the right thing and put that on the table. For example, I would have recommended that when the bride told you there would be no children, that would have been the time to place your daughter above the world and tell the bride that in that case, you couldn't accept.
Approach her? If I were you the next time you run into this woman should be at her next wedding.
2007-11-12 05:42:29 · answer #8 · answered by subprimelendor 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
There is probably some viable reason on her part for the way things turned out the way they did.
Ask her about it, but make sure not to imply any blame on her part.
Describe the situation in a factual description without implying blame of any sort. Then explain how that made you feel. Then state why it made you feel that way.
In college I took a class called industrial supervision, they gave four sections to that type of encounter:
1.) When you... (describe the situation in a non-judgmental manner)
2.) I feel... (describe how that situation made you feel)
3.) Because... (describe why it made you feel that way)
4.) Let the other person respond without interruption
The main thing is making sure not to imply blame. Once you imply blame a person will tend to go on the defensive and you can't get them to openly talk and listen to you.
This method identifies the situation that caused the problem, how you felt, and why you felt that way. And lets the other person understand why you were emotionally hurt.
2007-11-12 05:47:10 · answer #9 · answered by devilishblueyes 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I can understand that you would be unhappy, especially since your daughter's birthday was the same day.
But you did respect the bride's wishes. The child in the wedding party doesn't count...and she was probably bored stiff anyway.
The others probably just did what they wanted to do, not considering that this was the bride's big day, and she should have it the way she wants it to be. Maybe when people saw just the parents' names on the invitation they were too ignorant to realize the children weren't invited. It's not wrong for the bride to not want children at her wedding.
You did the right thing.
2007-11-12 05:37:13 · answer #10 · answered by Debdeb 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I even have helped many pals plan activities and weddings wherein teenagers have been excluded. it is what replaced into stated on one invitation for a social gathering that did no longer reason a difficulty: "we would particularly like for each individual to attend yet once you're actually unable to get carry of a toddler sitter for the form we can understand your absence." additionally, as an ingredient word, you should be consitent. in case you enable your maximum suitable buddy which you grew up with deliver her 3 toddlers yet insist that each and every person else go away their toddlers homestead then you definitely could ruffle some feathers. additionally, you may schedule a small social gathering after the marriage wherein households with their toddlers could attend-evaluate doing this and including this recommendations on your invites.
2016-10-16 06:24:00 · answer #11 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋