How To Deal With The Depression Of Putting An Elderly Person In A Nursing Home?

Question

My grandmother recently fell in her apt. below us and had to be taken to the hospital. She has dementia and we had 24hr. care for her. She doesn't remember anything; forgets the time, forgets what you told her seconds ago, forgets that she ate. After long family discussions the week she was in the hospital my family made the decision to send her to a nursing home since she was already out of the house and so that the hospital could handle her transport right there.

This is really taking a toll on my father; her son. He is constantly irrirated, doesn't like it at all when you have to bring up the nursing home to talk about what is happening now, and just doesn't seem like himself. Have any of you gone through this? What could we do to make this easier for him and for all of us?

Thanks

I will not give a best answer because all the answers were equally helpful. I'm leaving that up to the voters. Thanks everyone

Answer 1

We put my mother in a nursing home due to alzheimers disease and it's been the hardest thing ever. My whole family has gone into some kind of stress related depression or trauma mode. The guilt is horrendous for your father. He feels as if he has abandoned her as he might abandon an unwanted puppy at the dog pound. Only she's his mother, and that makes it so horrifying. I can only tell you that it does get better with time. Keep loving your father and be patient with him. Visit your grandmother often and give him the happy reports when you can.

Answer 2

Ok, I've been there, done this. In the final analysis you must take care of you. If you don't who will take on your monumental tasks? Tell both of your parents that you will take care of them to the extent that you are ABLE and that your partner goes where you go. They will not refuse him if you let them know that you are not going to help unless they stop being so controlling over you. You have the right to be happy, so do what it takes to be happy. If that's as simple as having access to your partner, so be it. They will accept him before they will lose you because of it. IF you don't want to hurt any feelings, become a nun, live in a cave, come on, be practical, You can't have it both ways. If you hurt some feelings, don't forget yours were hurt too. Set some limits, live your life in spite of what your parents are going through. This too shall pass and one day you will look back and still think you could have done more. This is guilt associated with the grief you will feel after your parents are gone. You can't do anything about it but cope. Your parents control you now, learn that the only one you can control is you, don't be manipulated. You can still care for your parents and not be controlled by them. Try it. Good Luck.

Answer 3

I have been suffering from post partum depression for the past one year when I gave birth to a baby boy. I couldn't stop thinking about how my husband loves him more than me and how things might be better if he wasn't born at all. Thus, I stayed away from him because I knew that I might do something I will regret for the rest of my life.

Almost instantly I went to a therapist and convince them that I need help. Among other things, I've tried herbal supplements and other book to treat depression but nothing works like the Depression Free Method. So now I'm proud to say I'm one of the happiest mother in the world. My husband loves us both very much and I thank the Lord for the blessing he gave us.

Depression Free Method?

Answer 4

The right decision was made to put your grandmother in a nursing home, as hard as it was to do, and as difficult as it is to accept. When a person has Alzheimers or dementia, and has been falling or has become very difficult, the person needs to be in a facility where there is care and help, beyond that which can be given by the family. I know nursing homes are not ideal. I don't know anybody who has liked going into one, partly because of being suddenly in a strange place with a bunch of strangers. And, also, not understanding why the placement has been necessary, and if this is temporary or permanent.

Perhaps you could speak, in confidence, with a social worker from the nursing home and see how you can help your father to accept this, and how to help him adjust. He is likely feeling some guilt about having to put his mother in the home, plus there is great anxiety about her future.

If your grandmother had returned to her home instead of going to the nursing home, who knows when the next accident would have occurred. Even with constant care at home, it is a very great worry, and families, really, are not equipped to deal with the demands for this type of care.

My mother reluctantly (meaning: kicking and fighting) went to a nursing home last November after a long series of ailments. My last time to be with Mom was on Christmas Day, and I remember how terribly unhappy and angry she was at "being left". (That sort of feeling certainly has an impact on those who made the decision for the move to the nursing home.) She felt total abandonment, but we had no choice due to Alzheimers, heart disease and strokes.

Try to help your father feel appreciated as much as possible, too, because he is feeling emotions that he probably cannot (or possibly will not) share, willingly, with others. All you can do is to be there for him. Best wishes to all of you.

Answer 5

People have a stereotype many times of what kind of person puts someone in a nursing home and then as to what type of place they are.

It is soo important to realize that you are providing the best for aloved one when nursing home placement time is right and you have chosen a good home. Too many time i saw family member insist on taking care of a loved one and they were in poor, poor condition by the time we got them. many times thing were irreversable, not because of neglect, but of ignorance, lack of time, etc.

There should be a counselor or social worker at any nursing home worth their salt, this person should be separate from the activity director and should hold a degree. See if you can't set up meetings with him/her and have your dad visit often. Things will calm down fo rhim soon, like all other things this just take time.

Answer 6

It's important to recognize that your dad is grieving the relationship he had with your grandmother. She may still be alive but things change, become more hopeless and final, when someone enters a nursing home. And if he had made promises to her to care for her himself, it makes it that much worse. This kind of grief takes time because it's so full of undeserved guilt but eventually your dad will come to accept that he did the best he could. It's one of the most difficult times in a person's life. When my dad went into a home, I cried for weeks because I felt that I had let him down.

If your dad is having trouble going to visit at the nursing home, offer to go with him. If he refuses to go at all---some people can't bare to---go yourself so that in the back of your dad's mind he knows someone in the family is looking out for his mom. Other than that, and family counseling should he not pull out of this depression in a few months, there really isn't much you can do to help your dad through this process. Just hug him a lot in the meantime. Antidepressants can also help if you are worried that his depression is deeper than the normal grief of losing a parent in stages.

Answer 7

Hi

Um, yes, I've been through this.

I always promised my mother that I would never allow her to be put in a home. It's something that no (rational) parent wants and something that a caring child would regard as an act of betrayal if they were to do this against their wishes.

Sadly my mum had a stroke just as my marriage broke down and I became homeless. 4 weeks later her husband died. She did eventually recover but she was doubly incontinent and had a child-like mentality. She also required 24 hour nursing care which I was unable to give her.

I did manage to find a nice clean home for her, but the guilt on my part was massive - I truly, truly felt that I had let her down, and i suspect that your father feels this too. In retrospect I had actually done the very best for her, for should I have tried to cope (which I could not) I would have inevitably let her down in the very worst way and made myself ill in the process.

I'm sure your father is probably beating himself up over this, as I did to myself but on rational reflection I know in my heart that I was right to place her in the hands of experts.

The best thing that you can do is give your dad lots of support and do what you can to make her room at the home really personal (lots of family photographs, some of her favourite pieces and clothes etc.) visit often and always be cheery . This will help your Gran to settle into her new place much more quickly and once your Dad can see that she is happy, he'll be a lot happier too.

Sadly my Mum died 2 years later. I never managed to make it to her side but I have the greatest comfort from knowing that she was not alone as she was surrounded by her 'new' friends and cared for by truly compassionate staff.

I think it's wonderful that you can see your fathers plight and wish to support him. I really believe the best that you can do right now is stay positive, have a lot of patience and be prepared to put yourself out - a lot.

Good luck hon x

Answer 8

Yes, indeed, have gone through it, and still going through it. One thing your father may be having trouble coming out of, is how we saw our parents caring for their parents to the end, which now in this economy is almost entirely impossible, disillusioned that he was included. With your grandmother's evident, slow decline, he knew this day would come, and is likely remembering what she was like before senility, grieving.

How to Deal with the Depression:

Next time he shows irritation, stop cold, sit down, and tell him to talk about it. Make him purge how bad he feels. Remind him you are family and consider his feelings important, and that until he talks about it, he will continue bearing the grief alone. Tell him he's not himself, and you want to help, whatever it takes, whatever he needs.

Tell him you see how hard it is on him, and that his easy irritation and reluctance to discuss what's happened will drive a wedge between him and the rest of you,

Let him cry, let him scream, let him be angry or ashamed or scared that it's his turn now to be the oldest generation, whatever he has to do, to come into the fold again of the decisions ahead, to be made as a family.

Answer 9

Don't do it! Make any compromise you have to to keep her in your or some loved family members home. I am a Retired RN and truly, I would risk hell, from suicide before I would go, hock every thing you have and take care of her, your reward will come in heaven.
I did not even read your plea before typing this, I am just so adamant about it, and No home is a loving family, even if you get impatient, in the nursing home, there is no loving tolerance!!

Answer 10

tell him to forgive himself. sometimes it's hard when having to make that step. Was there anyway that she could have been taken careof without putting her there? if the answer is no, then i assume that all anvenues were looked into before the decicsion was made. there should be a support group for families who have had to do the same thing. check and see and maybe talk him into going. it's affecting all of you, and it;s o.k. to talk it out because everyone there is going through the same thing. As long as he knows it's good place to her and knowing that she is being well-cared and looked after, once his guilt is gone he can enjoy the time he has with her.