Who should host the birdal shower? How do you deal with a controlling bridesmaid?

Question

I am the maid of honor for my friend's wedding. I was planning on hosting one of her 3 showers (3!). One of the other bridesmaids has recently started to change my plans for the shower and take over planning. She decided it should be a couples shower for 20 couples, should be held at her house, and should have a casino, "lucky in love" theme. While this could be a fun shower, it is not the shower that I would ever choose to give. I am single and don't exactly want to be the only single person at this couples shower where we all celebrate how lucky in love everybody but me seems to be. And I'd rather not let the other bridesmaid have it at her house, because then she really is the host, and if I do all the work she will still get all the credit.

Am I being silly? Should I just let the other bridesmaid take over? I don't want to have a fight with her, and I don't want to add to the bride's stress by having two fighting bridesmaids.

I had already talked to the bride and she was happy to have a shower at my house and my way, but they the other bridesmaid stepped in and confused things. I am definitely willing to do what the bride wants, but I'm also worried that this is getting out of control. I also have to plan some bridal spa weekend. Which should be fun, but, um EXPENSIVE for me. Plus the bride and groom have been living together for 5 years... do they really need 3 showers??

Cindy, this wedding stuff scares me! The number of events keeps expanding (not just for this wedding, but every one I am involved in). When I get married I will be eloping!! And my dog will be MOH...lol Not really, but she could bring the ring down the aisle, right?

Answer 1

If she want's to have this goofy shower. Let her. SHE can plan it, SHE can host it, etc etc etc.

You are the maid of honor. You decide what type of shower you want to have and to host. PERIOD. =) If control freak doesn't get it. Give her a copy of Emily Post's book or the Rules of Etiquette. Do people not have any manners anymore? Amazing isn't it?

You aren't being silly. I don't blame you for not wanting to host that particular type of shower.
Take the control freak aside and tell her that if she wants to have another shower then do it. But you've already made your plans. As the maid of honor, it's your job and your perogative to have that type of shower. If there are 4 showers, then there are 4. More stuff for the bride.

=)

Hang in there. This stuff is the pits isn't it?

BTW, depending on the age of the bride and groom, this shower stuff is kinda silly sometimes. The showers were to help them get their houses equiped. If they are in good shape, you may want just make your thing into something else. Let the control freak do her thing and you do the bach party.... Talk to your bride. She what she wants. You are a good friend. You want what's best for her anyway...

Answer 2

First of all, I don't think you're being silly at all. I would think that you would be very excited for your friend that is getting married and excited about having a shower for her. This other bridesmaid is clearly over-stepping her bounds.

BUT

There are civil ways of handling this without causing the situation to deteriorate into petty fighting. If, as you stated, you don't want to cause stress to the bride, perhaps you should set up a private time to talk with the other bridesmaid. Tactfully explain your feelings about the shower you, as maid of honor, were planning and how you would like to stick to your original idea. Keep your side of the conversation focused on your original plan and your feelings. Don't go down the path of accusations, angry words, etc. BE THE BETTER PERSON.

Perhaps she can host a couples party if she has her heart set on it. Where I live, couples showers are very common and a lot of fun. They are not traditional showers which most men would find excruciating, but more like a party.

And by the way... if the bride wants to have several showers, I believe it is her perogative. I would assume that there would be different guests at each shower, and you are certainly under no obligation to give a gift at each shower, or even attend each one. Therefore, there is no additional cost to you, so don't grouse about it... just support your friend. That's a MOH's most important function.

Answer 3

Firstly it sounds like a right old pickle, too many cooks and all that!! 3 showers is just madness. I believe it should be more of a low key affair, and as far as I know it is only women that attend bridal showers? So the men should be left out of it, and it is alienating the single peeps so its not being fair.
Just have a diplomatic word with both the bride and the bridesmaid and find out exactly what the intention of the party for her is. If Im right it would be to get together, be girly, get drunk, eat junk, gossip, and receive lots of presents. If on the other hand she wants a huge do with 20 couples then let the other bridesmaid crack on with it.
Either way dont get upset, the bride will love what you do I'm sure.

Answer 4

The bride chose you as her maid of honor. Not the other girl. It is one of your responsibilities to throw, and host, the Bridal shower. You need to tell the other brides maid that you have already begun planning the shower and feel that as the maid of honor, you would really like to plan and host it. Showers are traditionally held without the future husband in attendance. And I honeslty don't know any men who would choose to go to one.

It sounds like the other girl just wants an excuse to throw a party. Let her. But also let her know that it will not be the shower, and that you will be throwing the shower....without husbands and boyfriends in attendance. I was Maid of honor in a wedding last year and the only single girl as well. I understand how frustrating and depressing that can be.

Just remember, the bride chose you. You need to stand up and remind yourself and the other bridesmaids that you are the one to throw the party.

And I hope you don't have to deal with the same thing for the bachelorette party. I let the other girls take this over and I just worried about the shower and the day of the wedding. It worked for me and we all felt involved.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Um yeah, this b*tch needs to back down. You are the maid of honor and you are the one who is supposed to be hosting the party. No one has a "couples" shower. Men hate showers - they don't want any part in gift giving, giggly women who are going to go on about silly things for the entire day.

You need to tell the bridesmaid thank you for her suggestions, but you weren't planning on having a couples shower. Tell her that you don't feel comfortable being the only "non-couple" person there when you are the host. Tell her you plan to have the shower at your home because you are the host. She can still keep the theme of "lucky in love" if you like that and go from there. You have to put your foot down.

Answer 6

well first of all you ARE the MOH.. not her.. so you ARE the one that should be doing the majority of the planning.. the bride obviously picked you as the MOH for a reason... HOWEVER... it seems to me that you arent thinking of the brides best interest! why does it matter if you have it at her house or not? you still would be the one making all the announcements like when each of the games will be taking place and who will be doing what when it comes to the gift opening.. and picking out the invites and stuff.. if you dont think it should be a couples party or at her house or a casino theme because you really dont think the bride will like that than that is one thing... but if you dont want to do it because of your personal feelings than that is totally wrong.. this is HER day.. not YOURS.. and if that is something that the other bridesmaid thought of because the bride would really like that, than that is what it should be... ALTHOUGH.. the other bridesmaid had absolutely NO right to decide ANYTHING without you!!!!!! if she had an idea that she thought was good, then she should have come to you with it! and if it is sensible to have it at her house (which i dont think is a big deal), then she should have suggested it to you... not decided it!

and as to what DANIE said.. first of all, yes this is for the BRIDE so whatever she would want is what it should be.. not whatever the bridal party wants... and personally, being a bride, i wanted my fiance at my shower, so he was.. you bridal party are supposed to be people that know you the best so that they can make decisions on what YOu would like.. not THEM!! and as for the engagement party... you are the MOH.. it would be COMPLETELY disrespectful for you not to be there just cuz youre not a "couple"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 7

What this bridesmaid is suggesting is NOT a Bridal shower. It sounds more like something we call a Stag-n-Drag around here. The only difference is that a Stag-n-drag is usually held in a firehall or someplace like that and people pay $5 to get in and ANYONE can come... ANYONE.

If she wants to throw a party, let her, but DON'T call it a shower.

And yes, some people go way too overboard with all this garbage. One shower people... ONE! Not two or three.

I had ONE shower. All my bridesmaid pitched in. The guest list included all family and friends and co-workers that I was close to. Not one for friends... one for my family.... one for his family, etc.

But there is only so much you CAN control. You could tell the bridesmaid that you have already planned the Bridal Shower, but if she wants to throw a separate party, she is welcomet o do so.

That's just way too many parties for one wedding in my opinion.

Not sure if I was ANY help at all, but i definitely sympathize with you.

Answer 8

No, you're not being silly. How dare she try to take the flame!! It is the maid of Honors responsibility to host any bridal showers/ bachlorette parties that the bride is having!! Not the bridesmaid. I can understand wanting to help. But taking over is not acceptable!!

Answer 9

It is usually the maid of honor who plans it, but the bridesmaids can all be involved and pickup the costs/expenses.
Since there are 3, is it possible to host another of them?
If not, I would stress to the bridesmaid about the feelings of the single girls. If this bridesmaid wants to offer her house for it, great! The theme is OK, but the couples-thing has got to go!

Answer 10

No, you shouldn't fight with her. Either tell her this is not what you want, cancel the whole idea and start fresh with what you want, or just back out of that shower and let her host it herself. It is traditionally your duty so I really think you should stand up for yourself but, if you really think it's going to start a fuss then maybe you could just let her do it and talk to the bride about you, her and a small group doing something else fun for just the girls like a spa trip or something rather than another shower.