My boyfriend of over 3 years and I had a discussion about where our relationship was going. After hearing about yet another couple getting engaged after just a year, I wanted to know how he felt about marriage and whether it featured in his plans for our future. He told me the concept scared him and he wouldn't be ready to get engaged to me for at least another few years. I was devastated, but I told him that there was nothing wrong with the way he felt it was just very upsetting for me. After a few days I decided if he was not ready to marry me, he could not be comfortable living with me and I asked him to move out. He got very upset and ended up shouting at me that if I had just been patient everything would be alright between us, because he had been planning all year to ask me at Christmas. Now, instead of buying me a ring, he's getting me a laptop. How do I get over yet more disappointment (I've had a lot in the past year) & more importantly, how do I make it up to him?
2007-11-12 01:50:37 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Oh and he was saying he didn't want marriage so I wouldn't guess what he was up to, he just didn't realise how upset I would get. Thanks to everyone who answers
2007-11-12 01:52:03 · update #1
If he was being honest about just trying to "throw you off the track" so that he could ask you at Christmas, well... he shouldn't be surprised that the whole thing backfired on him. I think he's punishing you for embarrassing him, but it's his own fault. Honestly, I think you handled yourself really well when you asked him to move out if he had no intentions of even considering marriage with you. If you'd never had The Talk before, how could you have known he had a big elaborate plan in mind?
All you can do at this point is apologize sincerely, and then let it go. Don't ever bring it up again as long as you're together. He needs time to get over what happened, and at least now you know that he does love you enough to marry you. If an apology isn't enough for him, and he really won't ever propose, then better to find out now so that you can break up for real.
2007-11-12 01:57:56 · answer #1 · answered by ♛Qu€€n♛J€§§¡¢a♛™ 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Honey, this sounds a lot like neither of you is ready for marriage - not with anyone - and certainly not with each other. Why? because you two don't have very good open communication.
Hey, you can't read his mind - how were you to even guess that he was planning on proposing this Christmas?
And on the same token, how was he to know you have "wedding fever" and would be so upset? Actually, you handled it well - thinking about things for a few days.
And what was he doing during those days you were so upset? enjoying the show? What a jerk.
If you two weren't longtime companions, I could understand, but you've been together for what 3 years now? And living together for however long. And you two STILL don't communicate any better than this?
No honey, this is a sign of things to come - If you married him, you will be miserable with this man - and he will be miserable with you.
I know this is awful - and the holidays are a terrible time to break up - but in truth, you're not communicating with this man - and he isn't communicating with you.
OK so he wanted to surprise you - That's not what you do with a serious matter like a proposal of marriage. Again, rethink this man.
I suggest you learn from this - and move on to a man who doesn't expect you to read his mind. What a child.
2007-11-12 10:06:04 · answer #2 · answered by Barbara B 7 · 8⤊ 1⤋
Ok, this sounds like he was playing a game. I can understand the reasons behind him saying he wasnt ready, but he should have come up with something else. It sounds like he was just telling you that he was going to ask at christmas and because you "ruined" it he wont ask you now. I think thats childish. He should still ask you if he was planning on marrying you. I think you should talk to him and find out what the real reason he wont ask you. Dont push him into it, just let him know the reasoning behing wanting to marry him. Let him know that he should do it when he feels the time is right and you will be patient. Live up to that, dont rush him, because in the end, you will be the only person getting hurt.
2007-11-12 12:14:45 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have more issues than a 'spoiled proposal'. And by 'you' I mean 'you and your partner'. Really, I think it was an enormous mistake on his part to not be honest about his feelings about marriage. His lying to you to not blow his surprise totally backfired on him, and now he's being kind of jerky about it. I think that many people would have reacted the same way you did. If you've been together over 3 years, and your partner expresses an aversion to marriage or long-term commitment, it seems reasonable that you may decide that this relationship is not for you. It's also perfectly reasonable to not want to live with someone you think isn't ready to commit to you.
It sounds like he wanted everything to be on *his* terms. In an equal partnership, that's not a healthy behavior. Maybe you reacted more strongly than you would have liked, but he was totally in the wrong for lying to you.
So sorry you have to go through this.
You DO NOT need to make anything up to him. He lied to you. Maybe his intentions were good, but he still lied when it was extremely important for him to tell the whole truth. You made the best decision you could with the information you had available. It's not your fault if he gave you bad information!
Before you go *any* further with this relationship, go see a professional relationship counselor.
Best of luck to you.
2007-11-12 10:53:09 · answer #4 · answered by SE 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like the biggest load of b/s I've heard in a long time. I bet almost anything that he wasn't about to ask you to marry him, but he made this up on the spot to make you feel guilty - which he succeeded in doing! Don't fall for his lines. He was comfortable where he was, and he was playing you - then all of a sudden you did something he didn't expect; i.e., asked him to move out. Now he's trying his best to make YOU look like the "bad guy". C'mon, do you seriously believe that someone who truly wanted to marry you would be playing with your heart like this? Using a marriage proposal as a leverage in a fight is about as low a blow as one could imagine. Tell him to keep the laptop and hit the road. You're wasting your time with this guy.
2007-11-12 12:26:51 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You guys need to have a talk. He is being very crazy about this. You need to explain to him that you only asked him to move out and got upset because you thought, after all of this time, that you guys were not on the same page and should not be together if you don't want the same things. You had no idea, because of the trick he played on you, that you were really in the same place on the idea of marriage. You don't need to make it up to him, he was trying to be tricky and surprise you, but it backfired, there's nothing you can do about that. But getting married is a serious commitment and if the two of you can't work this out without a bunch of games and bitterness going back and forth, it might not be right for you. I really hope you can work it out.
2007-11-12 09:56:45 · answer #6 · answered by Deanrijo 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
please do not feel bad.. i mean come on.. what did he expect you to do after hearing that the man you love that has been with you for so long doesnt want to marry you for a few MORE years.. you did what any girl would do.. he was TOTALLY out of line yelling at you!!!! what he should have done was begged and pleaded with you to not make him move out.. and say "i love you and i dont know.. maybe i will be ready sooner than later.. i just see so many people getting divorced.. i dont want that to be us.. just give me a little more time".... i am appalled by him yelling at you for that.. he should have known that saying that would make you upset.. and if he was really planning this.. then wouldnt he be laughing inside instead of shouting at you???? i mean he said "if you just would have been patient....." but waiting a few more years is not being patient!!!!! thats being stupid! and im sorry but this reminds me of the show friends with chandler and monica... the EXACT same thing happened with them... except instead of kicking him out, she was considering marrying her ex who was still in love with her.. you should watch that episode... again if you have already seen it... and see how they both handled it.. and by the way.. maybe he is still planning it.. you never know!! i would just not say anything else about it.. wait till at least valentine's day.. and then if nothing... please move on honey.. after what he did!!!!!
2007-11-12 10:36:19 · answer #7 · answered by Tiff Tiff 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm not sure you need to make it up to him...sounds like he needs to make it up to you. If he really does get you a laptop for x-mas...and doesn't still try to surprise you with a ring, I'd really think twice about wanting to be with him. If what he said is true, I can't see how... after 3 years...him expecting you to wait because "he wouldn't be ready to get engaged to me for at least another few years" would be at all productive...what they heck was he expecting. Saying that to you and expecting you to be okay with that was a bit over the top for me. What I think happened was that he really does want to wait a few years, but when he realized that you weren't willing to do that, THEN he got scared and tried to cover it up all of a sudden with the "big surprise".. That was so unfair to you.... you had been patient...and he led you to believe you weren't even in the same book..let alone on the same page. He needs to make it up to you!!!
2007-11-12 10:02:49 · answer #8 · answered by Cindy V 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Three years is an awfully long time to just sit there, do his bidding and be left hanging with a stupid excuse like to be asked at x-mas time . I wish he had not said THAT ;
He may as well have said : I ask you when hell freezes over. Sorry .
The man you marry should be pursuing YOU and YOU are the one to turn him down or wait it out .
You want to make it up to him ? How about the other way around . He eats food you cook , sleeps in your bed and gets all that TLC for what !
Custer's last stand ?
2007-11-12 10:04:50 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
It sounds - to me - like your relationship might have more problems than this.
I think you might be rushing things - and it especially sounds like you want to be engaged because "everybody else is". Isn't it proof that he's into you and your relationship if you are living together? Why wouldn't you discuss it with him rather than just telling him to move out?
You two need to talk. Maybe even seek out a relationship counselor.
2007-11-12 09:56:33 · answer #10 · answered by nova_queen_28 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋