alcoholic in denial ?

Question

I have a friend who I believe to be an alcoholic. Myself and my girlfriend have bent over backwards trying to help him, taking him out with us etc. He lost his wife, his home, and is currently staying at his parents. This has been really rough on them, he is 42 for God's sake. I am running out of things to try and patience. What can I do or do I drop him like a hot brick ?

Answer 1

Modern psychology uses the term “Denial” which many of us are surprised to learn isn't even in a valid term that applies to alcoholics. It is thrown around so much one would think it is - but really has no bearing in recovery from true alcoholism.

There is something akin to "denial" that fits alcoholics? - something MORE fitting. It is a term which carries a bit more gravity – and is more fitting to most alcoholics than a size ten shoe.

The term is “Delusional” - and yes that IS in a valid term. Even Alcoholics Anonymous (the book) agrees with that. There is an inside joke amongst some of us that, “Denial is for Al-Anons. Alcoholics are DELUSIONAL”. LMAO!

No offense to Al-Anons. Most people I hang with in AA LOVE Al-Anon - me included.

If the difference between the two words escapes you now – just think of someone you know, say a parent who thinks their bratty little kid is the most well behaved kid in the school and just can’t understand why all the teachers give him a C in conduct. That’s denial.

Now think of the parent who thinks their bratty little kid is the most well behaved kid in the school can’t understand why all the teachers give him a C in conduct and is taking the matter to the Supreme Court because little Tommy is actually "in training" for the Oval Office . That’s delusion!! - and now you get the idea. yes we alkies have been THAT BAD.

There are two lines in "Alcoholics Anonymous" that acknowledges the phenomenon of folks not being willing to admit to the BOTH conditions of alcoholism which characterize the real alkie,

“Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were
real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily
and mentally different from his fellows.” (30:0)

Even alcoholics don’t like to admit that there is something different about their bodies (ALLERGY) and their minds (OBSESSION) than other people.

Modern psychology has done a good job of getting folks to believe that their brains may need an overhaul and of course it stands to reason they would concentrate in that area - they are licensed brain mechanics. Hence they have invented this "denial" idea.

But it is NOT in their best interests to embrace the very real allergy "theory" because to do so would admit that their treatments are incomplete for the real alcoholic. That is VERY bad for business.

Only AA tries to show where the body is also different – and therefore we have no outside support in this area. Well not until such time as treatment for the allergy becomes profitable to them. In the mean time people are unwilling to admit to BOTH conditions because they aren't LEARNING of both conditions

They “called” it – seventy two years ago – and folks today are still as unwilling to admit to what we call the “real alcoholic” and can only help those for whom brain medicines and behavior modification therapies have efficacy. They cannot help the real alcoholic recover. (And consequently invented the absurd and historically untrue notion that alcoholics can NEVER recover)

As someone who finally became open-minded and willing to learn from AA I became as convinced as convinced can be since the descriptions of those two conditions so closely paralleled my own experience that I was able to use the Program of recovery fashioned out of ages old spiritual practices, customized specifically for people like me – BY people like me. And I know from my own experience that not only can most alcoholics recover, but they can do so without the help of the profiteers.

AA ARE the professionals when it comes to alcoholism. Medical Science, while it has its value, however limited, are the Johnnie-come-latelys in the field. They were left behind in 1935 when a Stockbroker and a Butt Doctor got together and started the wholesale distribution of a solution that worked for them and now millions of others. And modern science haven’t caught up yet, despite their trying and now their lying. So forget about denial being the reason for your friends problem.

He hasn’t hit bottom yet - and its sounds a little like part of the reason is you. Have you considered that the help you have been giving him, however well intentioned may have actually prevented him from having his last drink? Let him hit bottom! Don't deny him the natural progression to coming to his jumping off place.

No one can recover from alcoholism until that happens - and if you are there laying down a clean towel every time he gets close to hitting the dirty floor - then you are preventing him from ever getting far enough down to want to get back up.

I hope you this helpful

And I hope your friend finds help. Trust me - it won't be from from you! If anything, you may have already delayed his recovery.

Peace,

Danny S

http://recoveredalcoholic.blogspot.com/

Answer 2

Is the reason he lost his wife and family due to alcohol or has he turned to alcohol because he lost his wife. If he turned to alcohol because he lost his wife give him some time to grieve. If it is the other then listen to my story and see if you can do anything any different that I did that maybe will help.
Well I have lived most of my life with or around alcoholics. My brother was an alcoholic and died at age 36. My nephew was 30. Both died of cirrhosis of the liver. Both of there esophagus's exploded and they bleed to death. It was really sick and I watched both of them breathe there last breath. It was such a waste of life. Alcoholism is said to be a disease my many alcoholics. I do agree with them to an extent but it is still an addiction. Until your friend wants help you can do really nothing. Don't completely turn your back on your friend but don't be so quick to help out until you are sure they are ready for help.
I tried everything from having my brother put in jail to rehab to help him and he still could/would not give up drinking. I begged, cried, beat him up one time. I knew he was killing himself. He has been dead for 4 years and not to many days go by that I don't think of him or think maybe I could have done something more to help him. Truth is I done all I could and then some.

Answer 3

If he lost all due to alcohol then he is an alcoholic. He can not be helped until he wants it and there is nothing that you can do until that time. Whatever you do, do not give him money. He will only go out and buy more booze with it. If you are helping him to pay any of his bills then make sure that you make the check out to the originator of the bill and mail it yourself. If you give him money you will enable him to continue to fund his problem.

Answer 4

Thank god I had a few real friends, when I bottomed out! I just got sick & tired of being sick & tired!! I signed myself in to rehab for both drugs & alcohol! Detox and the 1 st few days were terrible!! That was in 1995, a few friends stood strong for/with me!! I'm still sober today, and they even quit!! Go to Alanon, a couple of times 4 him, find out how to help, and not enable!! GOOD LUCK & GOD BLESS YA"s

Answer 5

If you went to an alanon meeting they would tell you to quit enabling him. Eventually he's going to have to learn to help himself or get guidance in alcoholic's anonymous. Of course the alanon joke is "How many alanoners does it take to put in a lightbulb? Zero the leave it alone and let it screw itself." The only way anyone comes to the conclusion (or desire) to quit drinking is when the negatives of it outweigh the positives. Sometimes the best we can do is leave them alone and let them experience more negatives.

Answer 6

You cannot help him, best thing is for you to drop him like a hot rock, because as long as he has anyone to help him, he will never help himself, He has got to hit ROCK BOTTOM first and then start proveing himself to all he knows, He needs BILL, you know AA

Answer 7

The only way he'll stop is if he wants to. Look at the AA website for good info. They understand the disease as they've been there themselves.

Answer 8

some of us have calls to answer that are shriller than the calls of help from even a best friend...there is the possibility that he has made his choice and is content with his lifestyle choice...however selfish it may or may not be.

Answer 9

Spend time with out spouce more. Your friend is full of **** cause he does not listen to you. You call this friendship .
Keep dreaming

Answer 10

He might not be in denial, he might just not want to stop because it's easier to drink. He's got to want to stop himself.