Husband "confused" about his love for me. Huh?

Question

I have been wanting another child (we have a 5 yr old daughter) for over 2 years. Hubby said he wasn't ready, but didn't give any real reason. 2 days ago I said I needed a reason for his reluctance as this has been an ongoing issue. He finally (after me asking what the deal is for all this time) said he isn't sure if he is still in love with me. He said he does love me and always will but doesn't know if he is in love with me. Said he doesn't want to have another child and end up leaving. I am totally shocked. We have had small issues but we really get along great. We love being together, love our daughter and I thought loved our life together. He said he is confused and doesn't know if he really isn't in love any more or not. We haven't had sex in about 4 months which isn't normal for us and I KNOW he isn't having an affair. My best friend thinks I should just end it but since that talk we have been fine and he is being super nice and loving. What the heck? Should I leave?

Honestly there is no other person involved. I thought he didn't want to have sex because of my kid obsession (which is partially true) and maybe that is why he is question his love for me. I have always had a higher sex drive than my husband anyway. I am very sure he is not having an affair.

I am, by the way, not mad about his feelings. I am upset and hurt and really glad he finally told me because I do want to fix it. Obviously I want this to work because I haven't left or gotten mad and pouty or anything. I just am trying to understand. Do I have issues, yes. I get that. I just want to do the right thing for my family and if my husband doesn't love me I feel like I deserve more than that just like he does.

Answer 1

It's silly to leave just because he's questioning his love for you. He never said he doesn't love you anymore, just said that he doesn't think he's IN love with you anymore. When it comes to that point, it's not time to leave a realtionship, it's time to work harder at it. Maybe there's something you can do to spark his interest again.

Also, keep in mind that "In love" changes over time. It's impossible for you two to have the same intensity that you once had. It gets hard with the kid, taking out the garbage, dealing with every day life, etc. Just give it time and a lot of effort. Ask him what he would like to see more out of from you. Is it more exciting sex? If it is, then don't question him or make him feel bad for asking for these things--just do the best that you can to fulfill his desires without compromising your own emotional needs.

DO NOT think of leaving him. That would be throwing away a perfectly good relationship that just needs a little tweaking.

Answer 2

No, I don't think you should leave. Neither do I think you should try to get pregnant again at this time. Of course, if you aren't having sex, that really isn't an issue. I think it's normal for a mate to have thought like this. Especially in a young marriage. He's probably feeling like his life is passing him by and he's missing out on the excitement of being single. That's where you come in. If he fell in love with you once, he can do it again. Read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It's awesome. It may take some time, but you need to revisit the reasons why he married you in the first place. Sometimes, in the day-to-day of being married, things change. Relationships get into a rut. You go to work, eat meals, raise the kids, etc. But you aren't taking the time you need to keep each other happy and in love. Make him feel like the man he was before the baby came. Give him more reasons to love you. If he still wants to leave, there isn't much you can do about it, but at least you'll know you did your best to keep it together. I think the good thing here is that at least he's being open and honest about his feelings. If he wasn't, and just decided to start cheating, there wouldn't be much hope.

Answer 3

Why would you leave when you are on to something that seems to be working a little - you have been interested in your husband's feelings and you listened to him and paid attention and he has been nice and loving. Perhaps you need to fine-tune your behavior around him a bit and start learning about each other all over again. Sounds like your relationship is stagnating. If you haven't been having sex, he's not feeling romantic feelings about you. But what about you - obviiously, you haven't been feeling romantic feelings about him either.
A marital counselor would help but first, just work on paying a lot of attention to his opinions and feelings and see if you can try to recapture the intimacy you both once felt. Good luck! Put thoughts of a baby on hold until you feel close to each other and loving again.

Answer 4

You have been totally clueless about his thoughts but you went from wanting another child to questioning leaving him?
You went for four months without sex but wondered if he wanted a child? Darlin' if he is not having sex he don't want no baby. I does not necessarily mean he's having an affair.

Why does this story sound so wrong?

If he is confused why are you not trying to clear that up?

Maybe you should start listening to him more. This story smacks of a its all about you attitude which has carried over into a how dare you be confused thing.

It sounds like you need to fix some of your own issues.

Answer 5

Wanting another kid probably made your hubbs see a side he didn't like .. and the truth came out .. keep that communication going and talk with someone in that dept. and see if these feelings are normal with wanting a baby or just being selfish

Pretty sure they are normal and you can work through it ..

It's funny as women sometimes .. we claim we want to talk and know what he thinks .. so they say it (true not tactfully) then we have a heart attack lol .. not saying you are wrong .. but it goes along with that saying "be careful what you wish for" .. he's opened up this far, gooooooo with it .. and sometimes the truth does hurt .. but least you have a direction to go

Good Luck!

Answer 6

I would leave for awhile and tell him when you decide im what you want let me know until then, I don't have to be with someone not knowing if you want to be with me, and then I would say you loved me enough that we have a child together and love well I love my dog, men kill me, my boyfriend well fiance' just went through the same thing about 4 months ago and yes it hurts because you put your whole heart in loving them and being a family. Im to the point though that if someone is just going to love me and not know if hes still in love with me then they need to go find someone that they can be with, lifes to short for these men to drag women down and it's getting to were it's more and more in life, it's like they want the single life again and be the teenager and play the field, sometimes I think it's better just to live with them and not marry but either way you put your heart on line and risk getting hurt, talk to him and let him know how your feeling and maybe take some time to get away from you and see if he misses you and if he doesn't then , I know your going to hurt God knows I would to and even the thought but who wants to go through life being with someone and then thinking well thier just with my cause of our child or because they feel sorry for you. thats no life for you or your daughter, I hope he changes his mind and looks deep into his heart of what hes going to be losing if he doesn't want you anymore. I wish you luck and God bless.

Answer 7

You can't just leave. You have to find out what the real issue is before making the decision. He may not having an affair but simply fell out of love. People change ya know!

I hate to say this but you can't make someone loves you. If you understand the situation, you will make a better decision. Don't listen to your best friend, listen to what he has to say.

Answer 8

First and foremost, I think that this happens to EVERYONE at one point in their relationships... and yes it does suck for the people who are in the other side, in this case it's you! I just honestly think that he needs space.. so I suggest that you have a talk with him and tell him that you both need space and see how things work out.

Out of this,only 2 things will happen.. either he and YOU will realize that you guys aren't right for each other OR he will realize that he is IN love with you and was only going through a phase..

If I were you.. I would SERIOUSLY do this.. of course this is easier said than done, but it's worth it.. worth it because he will definitely make you guys, especially him... realize what's REAL in his heart!!!

I know it sucks, just hang in there.. in the end EVERYTHING is going to be okay!!!!

GOOD LUCK!!!!!

Answer 9

Please try counseling before you leave. Maybe he is just going through a weird phase.. maybe having to accept the 'comfortable/routine' part of marriage, maybe scared of fatherhood currently and doesn't want more pressure? If I were you, I would wait longer and see if the 'super nice and loving' phase continues... get counseling.

Answer 10

I think he may be having an affair. How do you KNOW that he isn't? I said that same thing and found out my now ex husband was having an affair. Something is just not adding up here.