is it unusual? And if you agree, can you explain? (possible explicit content)?

Question

I haven't been involved for some time, as some of you know, but discussions here about things like "equality in the bed room" have made me think about past relationships?

Is it unusual for a woman to think that a particular act (f*******) is "demeaning" and "degrading" and "uncomfortable" and something "guys only want because it's a way to dominate", while thinking the closest equivalent act on a woman (c**********) is something "any guy who is sensitive to his partner's needs" would do and should be expected to do?

Are the two acts that different?
Is this mix of attitudes in the same woman common?

I always just respected my partners' feelings and didn't try to argue or pressure (what would be the point if she's so opposed?) but it always made me wonder.

Is this common? And can any women who hold these views explain the difference?

Codrina, the f-word I am considering is the Latin for an act briefly associated with Monica Lewinsky. And the c-word is the equivalent when performed on a woman.

Ronnie, if ever my partner were to say, "how in the world did I agree to do that!?" I would feel that I had grossly taken advatnage of her.

Wendy, that makes a lot of sense. And all of the women I've known with such attitudes were also very much preoccupied with whether or not they were respected - not that every person isn't entitled to respect, but that this was a recurring theme in every interaction.

twilight, I never needed any encouragement about the one and didn't really care if i didn't receive the other, but intellectually, I found it puzzling.

Steve, perhaps that is a factor (although tastes also vary), but whether the act is "completed" in that way and the whole "swallowing" question are often a separate issues aren't they?

Lkydrgn you make a very interesting point about the idea that foreplay is "for the woman".

For me, I suppose my focus has been ENTIRELY on the woman, with the assumption that my enjoyment was going to be an inevitable side effect anyway and didn't really need to be given much thought by either of us.


Patois, your point about favors matches some of my misgivings. I happen to quite enjoy giving the one and don't much care about the other. (Only the ethical question interested me and only now, after the fact.) But if I did, I think I'd really be uncomfortable if it was just a tit for tat thing, a chore she performed as compensation for my efforts.

Answer 1

I've heard these types of discussions a few times, and am amazed at the attitudes Americans have about sex. I don't understand the "favor" idea one bit. Like, if you wash the dishes, I'll dry? This is an attitude people apply to sex?

I have tried to pick partners that were interested in the same types of sex I was, so both of us were getting our needs met. Not a tit-for-tat situation, but one where when you felt like it, you could do something sexual or have it done to you that you both enjoyed. I would be mortified if my partner enjoyed a sexual act and I wasn't at least willing to try it and like it! As for returning the favor, it would never be expected, but it would be appreciated, when such a time arose that they felt like doing it. But then, I've usually tried to have sex with people I loved and respected, so we'd each be interested in pleasing each other! Some people sound like they keep a "sex" scoreboard of who does what to whom.

Now when it comes to abused or repressed people, that's different. You have to be really careful about how you treat this type of partner, and if you're not the patient type, these are NOT the types of partners you should choose. Same goes for inexperienced partners, or partners with less experience than you, you have got to be patient and respectful! Coming from a religious background, since I was told everything sexual was bad, at least I didn't have hang-ups about certain sexual acts, since the only place I found out about sex was from books!

Answer 2

Okay, you don't seem to be receiving anything close to well-rounded answers...not blaming anyone and am gratified that everyone here loves those acts so much...but it's not a big help on the intellectual level. So I'm gonna do something that I never thought I would do...I gonna reveal way more about myself than anyone else, who doesn't intimately know me, should ever know.

I find the giving to be incredibly pleasurable, for both parties involved. It's something I have no problem doing, enjoy, and don't quite understand the whole degradation concept when it's applied to the act. However, the receiving...well, it's not so pleasurable. I'm assuming that it has something to do with the inherent vulnerability of the act...but haven't really thought too much about it. I'll allow it to be done, if I must, but I don't seek it out or ask for it.

Now, this is a "backward" belief to the one described, but it only makes sense that if I can have such conflicting ideas about the two acts that the opposite can also exist in a woman. I don't know how common the belief is...I actually know more women like me than my opposite. I think attitudes are changing, as a whole, to encompass the idea that it's not such a degrading act anymore.

I know that my sisters, who are only a tad older than you, were taught that men don't need foreplay. My brothers were taught that foreplay was just something you "had to do" so that you could get what you wanted. Given that they were taught this way, it kinda makes some weird kind of sense that foreplay that was directed at the man was redundant, and only necessary to show their dominance. The closest I can come to figuring it out is the twisted belief that women receive their pleasure from the foreplay and men receive theirs from the orgasm.

Answer 3

I have actually never bedded any woman who finds either of the two acts you describe to be degrading, although a couple found the latin f-thing to be uncomfortable - a thankfully very small minority.

I also never got any comments about "being sensitive to needs" but that is probably because I enjoy the c-latin word and never really needed any encouragement to to do it.

I think you are right not to pressure, and to respect your partners wishes. By the same token, if you feel uncomfortable with any of these acts, she should also respect yours.

By the way, I have encountered women who do consider both acts to be degrading, and they are not women I would ever choose to partner. A healthy outlook on sex is a prerequisite for me in any relationship I enter into. Often those women fall into two categories 1) Abuse victims and 2) Prudes. The first group generally need help getting over their abuse before being able to form healthy sexual relations and the second are frankly not worth the bother as far as I am concerned.

Answer 4

I think that sex is sex, if it's passionate and "love-making" it's still in the same realm of f*cking the bejeezus out of someone.
The only difference is the approach and particular mood of the moment. One of the many reasons that some women may treat sex as if it should always be a "romantic" experience is because they do not distinguish between emotions and intercourse. They associate love with the act of sex , so f*cking would be considered as a vile and degrading thing, opposite to the romantic notions associated with love-making.

We can experience both love and sex at the same time, in a loving relationship that includes sexual exchange, but love and sex are exclusive of each other and not the same.
Whether it's screwing or love-making, it's still, basically, the natural act of mating, whether emotions are part of that equation or not, makes no difference as to the act itself, but only that we feel more "spiritually" connected, if you will (when love and sex are simultaneous).
I have more to express regarding sexuality and this particularly, but will stop here so as to not bore anyone with long posts, hehe.

Good question.


Edit: Well said Ikydragn, thanks for your honesty.

Edit: Gnu, I've just humbly realised that I misunderstood your question, please excuse the above written, as it's not related to your inquiry.

Answer 5

For some women...yes. I'm not sure how this attitude develops, but I honestly think it has to do with early sexual encounters, and how the subject is broached by partners early on. My sister felt this way about it...for good reason, the guys she hung out with in high school (not really a "good" crowd) were total jerks who always talked explicitly and VERY derogatorily about the girls they were "with" that did this...you know the kind of talk I mean...so, she came to view it as something that doesn't get you a lot of respect from guys.
Personally, my choice was to only be "with" someone I was in a long term relationship with, so I knew I had their respect.

Answer 6

Maybe the woman has had some sort of 'traumatic experience in her past" to lead to these feelings of why she would believe it is "demeaning" and "degrading" a way to "contol". At the same time, the acts upon her she can enjoy without some sort of connection to the other act. Only a thought!!

Answer 7

I have no idea how common that kind of an attitude among women or girls these days, but I know it isn't a healthy one. Now, in my own experience having sex was a very special treat reserved exclusively for a guy I had a long term relationship with. Therefore we had very little inhibition involved. When you are in love with someone, and you are making love with him your goal should be the worship of his body in any way he likes it, so he can reciprocate in any way you like. Every woman should know that inhibitions in the bedroom are death for any kind of a joy for both partners.

Answer 8

Gnu, there will always be the odd woman that is selfish and won't return the favour. Or make a big deal out of it.
Anyway, without going into too many details, I have never once thought "Geez! And I just agreed to do that?"
Interesting how some guys minds tick, that they assume that a woman never actually enjoys pleasing her man just as much as she enjoys receiving pleasure.

Answer 9

Different women have different views. To be sure we are comparing apples and apples, I will be blunt....well, sort of.

I had one friend who refused to perform oral sex and didn't particularly like it performed on her, either. I have had many friends who believed in equality both ways and so did their partners. I have also known men who refused to perform this act or, really, just didn't offer.

I don't think anyone can assume anything about anyone's particular preferences until you are in the bedroom. Surely, if people are in a relationship, they need to talk about their choices/preferences.

Answer 10

No women I know had issues with the topic that you've described.
Let me put it this way (without getting a violation on yahoo!).

YOU DO ME AND I DO YOU,............
I'm not trying to be funny but when couples start to explore each other,they should explore..........lol.

The only time it is a problem is when you pressure your partner to do something that they feel uncomfortable with.
That is why it is very important,when two people meet,they should find out about their *likes* and *dislikes*.