Any positive opinions on "staying married for the kids"?

Question

I've been with my husband about 13 years, we have 2 children under 18. We don't fight alot but don't really like each other much. He has been telling me lately that he wants 100% freedom, maybe even a divorce so he doesn't feel tied down, but he wants to continue to live together.

Answer 1

'Skay....he wants 100% freedom but wants to live together. Wow, what a champ. He gets to do what he wants, and you still get to cook and clean up after him. Yeah, that sounds fair.

Sorry, that kind of arrangement is not going to help the children in any way, and instead, put a distorted perspective on things. And believe me, you will STILL fight and not like each other. Take the angst out of your children's lives, and allow them to live and grow in nurturing, peaceful environment, not a hostile one.

Stay together for the kids? There is never a justification for that, including the children. Better to divorce, then you don't have to be oppressed by a person you don't like and who doesn't like you back.

Answer 2

I don't think divorcing and having an open relationship, but living together would be a good example for the kids. I think that maybe the 2 of you jsut need a nice romantic vacation together or some time to be intimate and have a good laugh and a fun time together. We tend to get married and have children and our lives become hectic and the love seems to fade and sometimes even seems to get lost in all the other things going on. YOu married because you love each other and I think that you should try and work it out. Try taking a kidless vacation and see where you are afterwards. If things dont' work out I would not suggest living together still though. That's confusing to the kids and not a good example. I think too that this will cause some hard feelings and arguments.

Answer 3

I am 26 y/o and I am in the same boat. We use to get along before we had two kids. But now all we do is fight or give the cold shoulder to each other. I feel it will be to hard on the kids to get a divorce because they are so young. My brother in law just got a divorce and my husband has been hanging out and partying with him when he's not working. So what should I do? I stay home with the kids and I am also trying to go to school for my nursing degree.

Answer 4

how painful :( that must hurt so badly to hear him say that. How disappointing.

to answer your original question...I see value in 'staying together for the kids' only in the sense that I think you owe it to your kids to give this a full, true, 100% effort to make it better before you give up. I think that when kids are involved, you should be willing to work harder and try more to make it work, compared to if you were single and nobody depends on you for anything.

But that advice might not apply here. You've been together for 13 years. That's long enough that it isn't like you're quitting early or taking the easy way out. I don't know exactly what you tried during that time, but, it sounds like its been plenty.

I feel strongly that unhappy parents should not subject their kids to the misery of a bad marriage. The very best thing for kids, is two happily married parents. The second best thing for kids, is two happy separate parents. The worst thing for kids is two parents miserable together. Your kids are learning about what relationships are supposed to be like, by watching you with your husband. They'll subconsciously seek identical relationships to yours, when they grow up. If you want better for your kids than the hollow existence you are living now, then, get out before they learn to imitate you.

Answer 5

Why don't you like each other a lot? If you got married, then obviously at one point you felt an intense love for each other. Try going out on a date. Just the two of you, just like in school. Holding hands, kissing, etc.. all that fun stuff. Talk to each other more. About everything. 100%. Don't keep any secrets. Also, if you are having trouble in your sex life, perhaps you should seek a marriage counselor.

I hope the two of you get better. Divorce is a very, very bad thing. My parents have gone through it and I can't describe the pain and suffering that I have gone through. Please try to work things out, it'll get better I promise you.

Answer 6

Difficult situation, but not one that is totally unbearable. How do you feel about him? Do you want your freedom as well?

Freedom means all sorts of things. It could mean that you both have some meaningless relationships outside of the marriage so that neither of you has to worry about leaving.

However, there are things you guys could do to spice up your relationship that would NOT involve cheating, but would involve other people. If you two were to visit a strip club together and have someone give you and/or your hubby a lap dance, then you're accomplishing the excitement without the cheating. Or if you were to invite someone into your bedroom and just have them watch the two of you be together as opposed to joining in. Or to have another woman be with you but not touch your husband...there are plenty of things that you can do to keep the excitement up and have others involved in your relationship without having to run the risk of losing each other.

Because that's where the danger comes in--if he or you find someone that you would rather be with.

If you offer him freedom and are unwilling to get involved with someone else in your relationship with him, what would his freedom mean? You might have to set some guidelines before being able to do this. Don't turn him down altogether--he could just need some more excitment from you. If you're willing to do something about it, THEN DON'T GIVE UP ON THIS RELATIONSHIP!!!! :-)

Answer 7

How can he want 100% freedom and still want to live with you? I'm confused, However being married for 11 yrs. with 3 kids, I could totally see Why u would want to stay living together! My spouse and I have discussed this issue b4. Not bc we don't like each other, though. It sounds like to me, there's more to the story, from him?? Is he seeing someone else? Or just bored?

Answer 8

In other words, he wants his cake and to eat it too. Well, honey, I hope you are not entertaining this idea. If he wants a divorce, give him one. He is trying to get out of having to support the children and finding a place to live and having extra bills. You are teaching your children about relationships. This is definitely not a lesson they need to learn. The breakdown of the family in our society is bad enough without totally muddying the waters with crap like this. Man, people do the strangest things...for what reason? What good would this accomplish in the end?

Answer 9

My personal opinion is that there's nothing wrong with staying together for the kids. If that's okay with you, then go for it. Is there any way you could try to restore interest in each other? A good book is Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages. I read it and it worked for my marriage. We're happier now than ever. It's amazing. Honestly though, if he wants his freedom, but wants to stay living together, then I'd say no... get the divorce. What kind of environment is that for the kids. Dad gets to go screw around and still gets his dinner cooked and laundry done by Mom? No way girl. He can't have it both ways, unless it's okay with you. Good luck to you.

Answer 10

VERY bad idea; your husband is thinking how much $$$ he can save by not getting divorced and paying alimony and child support. The kids will know, you are wasting your life in a loveless marriage and he gets to live however he pleases scot free. BAD DEAL all around, especially for you and the kids.