What should I do and please dont be judgemental?

Question

I just recently got married in May I had an affair with one of my coworkers who just recently married in August the affair began before he got married but continued on after he even went as far as calling me while on his honeymoon i tried several times to break off the relationship but he would get upset with me just recently his wife found out about us he told me it was just a game and that he never had feelings for me but then told me that he had to end the call because if he didn't he was going to cry on another occassion he told me hes having all of these feelings and hes confused when i asked him what he meant he said he didn't know thats why hes confused i havent tried contacting him since then I told my husband what happened and were in counseling but i am really in love with this other man and i know he did what he did for her he planned most of the wedding by himself she talks to him so bad im sorry for what happened but not for loving him what does he mean by what he said

Answer 1

Let me see if I got this straight.. You got married in May and the other married man got married in August.

Wow. Talk about a record on the shortest time of being faithful to your husband/wife.

That aside, you really do need to think about who it is you want to be with. If you don't want to be married, then get divorced. No sense in making you current husband suffer for loving a woman that doesn't love him back.

As far as the other married man, odds are likely he is not going to be getting divorced anytime soon. He's got everything he wants. A wife at home and a woman on the side. He's likely to just jerk you around for his own amusement and take advantage of you for however long he can.

What a all-around mess for everyone involved - especially your husband and the other man's wife. I hope none of you have kids to see you and that man acting so selfishly and childish.

By the way, I firmly believe in Karma. And that one is gonna be a hard one to work off.

Answer 2

It takes a very weak person to have an affair with a married man and you being married just makes the whole thing that much worse then it is. The only person i feel sorry for is his wife.Your husband is a glutton for punishment for keeping you around. You don't love him nor do you respect him as a man or your husband. Forget about the other guy because he sure is forgetting you ever time he has sex with his wife. Ain't life a b i t c h .

Answer 3

I think you feel bad enough already without anybody judging you, so I won't.

May I say, first of all, that the run-on sentences make it really hard for anyone to understand your question.

I have not heard all sides of the story, but (based upon what you have said), the "other man" is clearly a person to be avoided.

Carrying on an affair right after marriage, an affair that began during his engagement (a time when romantic excitement should be at its height) does not speak of an emotionally mature adult male. It does not speak of a person capable of thought for anyone other than himself.

It speaks of an emotional slob, a user of other people for his own pleasure.

Yet you love him, or at least you say you do. Do you know what love is? I think you need to figure it out.

What does the other man mean by what he said"? He means "I enjoyed the thrill of illicit sex with you, and (now that I have had that) I have no further interest in you. I now expect my wife, whom I have betrayed in a manner most dastardly, to carry on as if nothing has happened. As for you, I enjoy the ego thrill that another man's wife loves me, but that does not mean I own anything in return. In fact, I owe nothing to anyone. The world exists for my pleasure."

I don't know why I bothered to tell you all that, because surely you must know it already.

This is the part of my answer where I will skate very close to being judgemental. You say that you are sorry for what happened. Are you really? Being sorry involves a strategy for harm reduction, for compensating for the harm that you have done. You have no regret for what you have done, only that it went sideways. THERE IS NO LOVE HERE. NOT FOR THE OTHER MAN. NOT FOR YOUR HUSBAND. NOT EVEN FOR YOURSELF.

As much as I dislike giving advice, and as much as divorce is distasteful to me, it is really clear to me what you should do.

1. Stay a million miles away from the other man--even if you have to get a new job. He will be unable to keep his mouth shut about his easy seduction of someone else's simple-minded wife, and your job will be intolerable for you. This guy is total bad news.

2. Consider a divorce. The harm that you have done is so bad that it is bound to rear its ugly head in future, whenever there is a dispute between you and your husband. The hurt is too deep. Get out now, before the damage gets worse and children are harmed by the inevitable disintregation of your marriage.

I am sorry to speak harshly, and I know I sound judgmental, but I think you need to hear this.

Answer 4

People are judged by their actions, your actions are immoral, deceitful, purposely harming and selfish....do you really expect people here to think highly of you?

Their marriage is none of your business, your marriage is your business. I suggest you stop as much possible contact with him and his wife so they are able to move on. If he really didn't like her or the way he is treated he would move on...don't fool yourself.

You need to focus on your own marriage and fixing the emotional damage you have done to your husband. If you are in counseling then you need to be working on what your counselor suggests...not screwing around with a married man who is trying to fix his wrongs.

If you cannot do this you need to divorce your husband. He deserves a loving and caring wife who is emotional mature enough not to spread her legs for every Dick, Johnson, and Frank who "has feelings" for her.

And though Pagan Dan is not judging you, he is.

"Carrying on an affair right after marriage, an affair that began during his engagement (a time when romantic excitement should be at its height) does not speak of an emotionally mature adult male. It does not speak of a person capable of thought for anyone other than himself.

It speaks of an emotional slob, a user of other people for his own pleasure."

You had an affair after marrige, which means you also must be emotionally immature, incapable of thought for anyone other than yourself, an emotional slob and use people for your own pleasure.
Its a two way street.

If you dont want to be judged, dont have affairs.

Answer 5

So, how is your husband taking all this? Is he happy when you come home dirty after having your affair with this man who loves his wife so much that he planned the marriage? It sounds like your man totally loves you, or he's a total wimp! And you're more concerned about this married man? You sound very selfish!

Answer 6

boy you got yourself in a big mess and hopefully you employer doesn't find out or it could cost you your job. Employers expect their employees to have morals and values as well as self respect, most employers have ethics committiees (which is where pre employment background checks go through) and although the usually keep a low profile if they got wind of your affair it would mean both you and this coworker losing your jobs because you obviously have no moral values and no ethics. Which of course would go against your empolyer's policies. I suggest you quit your whining

Answer 7

OK, here's the deal. You were a diversion to him, as most affairs are, and when it comes down to it, he chose his wife over you. (OF COURSE) Of course he didn't love you or probably have any connection with you other than physical.

Why the HELL do you care, anyway? HE'S MARRIED! YOU'RE MARRIED!!! Leave him alone and let him repair his marriage while you do the same.

Answer 8

It sounds to me that he was in love with you but also in love with his wife. He has taken a step back, or several steps back and has had time for reflection and I am certain much grief from his wife. I think you should leave him alone, love shouldn't hurt and this love you have for him is hurting a lot of people. Remember as you go through life that there is a right way and a wrong way to do everything. Figure out what it is and it will never hurt so much.

Answer 9

what he is trying to say is that he is sorry for what he has done because he is already in a relationship and took on the vows and feels bad that he cannot continue with you because he doesn't want to hurt you anymore than he already has. and you are so lucky that you are just in counciling with your husband because many men would end it right then and there.

Answer 10

Easy: follow your heart. It's early in both of your marriages--no kids, yet. This is rough and you're gonna feel like a heel for a bit, but trust your instincts here.

Get a divorce. Move on. Go for it.

Now, keep in mind, he's the rebound guy and this ain't gonna last, either. But it's your life, right?