I am a young woman with three kids, ages 2,3 and 6. I was in an abusive marriage for 8 years and now that I have divorced and left thier father who taught them to "never" respect me and in fact taught them to disrespect me in any and every way possible I am having a very difficult time trying to get respect from them. I understand that respect is earned and I have done all I know to do. I am starting to lose my patience because to top things off it is getting severe enough that they would put themselves in danger just to "not listen" to me. Iam concerned and frustrated. I have tried spending time with them one on one. I follow through when I say something and I discipline with love, I am not abusive towards them and I never have been. I do not know what to do. Any advice we would be greatly appreciated.
2007-11-11 12:05:39 · 12 answers · asked by mikesgirl2580 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Been there. Be consistent, they NEED the boundaries. They WANT the boundaries. Set them and stick to them. If they don't listen, don't treat you with respect, disobey, etc., there are consequences. Make sure they are aware of what the consequences will be, and that you follow through - EVERY TIME.
You will not see immediate results, but when you do begin to see them, you'll find that your home is more peaceful, more calm, and...WOW! They DO listen!
The first thing that will help them learn to respect you is not allowing them to see their father disrespect you. You've taken a HUGE step in that direction.
Love them, protect them, give them those boundaries. I wish you the best of luck.
2007-11-11 12:27:43 · answer #1 · answered by Chels 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with PerfectAngel that you do not praise them for being respectful because that's what they are supposed to do. But let them know that u left the relationship for your benefit as well as theirs. They should be grateful that you are out of danger. But children go by what they see. If they saw their father being disrespectful towards you, then they would probably react them same way. You should get the father involved and you all sit down and talk about it.(If possible)
2007-11-11 12:15:57 · answer #2 · answered by Lady Smooth 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, you need to make them understand that you are the adult and they must listen. You have to set boundaries for them and when they cross them, they need to be punished. It doesn't necessarily mean that you have to spank them. You should take something away from them that means the most to them... video games, tv, playing with friends, dessert, etc. Let the punishment fit the crime. You have to be consistent though and you have to be firm with them. When you punish them, it should be done, not so much in a "mean" way as it should be done in a "matter-of-fact" way. Like, ok, you know that what you did wrong, so you know that you will lose your gaming privileges. If they don't listen to you, then repeat yourself and make sure they heard you. If they ignore or refuse what you tell them, then that is crossing a boundary and need to learn a lesson. In time, they will learn that you mean business and will also learn that you are in charge despite what their father told them.
2007-11-11 12:16:18 · answer #3 · answered by randmthots 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i feel for you aloti am 17 and my mum and dad have just finished getting divorced but it was for a different reason my dad was abusive to me, couldnt you go to your doctors and or search the net for some sort of proffesional advice?? as your children are so young i can imagine it to be alot more difficult as it would be if they were my sort of age. why dont you try and talk to you eldest, i knowshe/he is only 6 and probably the worst but if you can get a bit of respect, understanding and control from her the other two might follow??
i really do wish you all the best
2007-11-11 12:15:03 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First apologize to all for the crap that they went through,and say this it helped me with my kids. "You guys I am so sorry for putting you through that crap in your life. I only did the best I knew at the time. I"m your mother and I deserve respect that is why your dad and I our not together. You not like all I do in life but you will show me respect in my house and through life." this is more for older kids sorry. The main thing with these little kids is follow through with consequences for rules not obeyed. Count to three no auguring in between Numbers. Just numbers 1,2,3 after 3 punishment. In time you will not even have to say a word just raise a finger and like magic, they listen to you no yelling screaming just calmness. I have a three year old that learned this at 2yrs old. But the main thing is fowling thru with the punishment,time out,grounding of favorite toy, or what ever your punishment may be. One minute for every year of age. If you do spank one on rear only if you can do it with out doing that great. You are the boss not them. If you get to looking for a man again remember your kids always come first in your life before your wants. Good luck.
2007-11-11 12:36:18 · answer #5 · answered by shadow of life. 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think that this question is much too serious to be answered by people you don't know. In a case like this, it would probably be a good idea to get a professional counselor for your family or see a therapist so that your frustration isn't taken out on your children. That would worsen the problem greatly.
2007-11-11 12:16:02 · answer #6 · answered by alyssa 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You did the right thing by leaving your ex...showing your children a relationship like that is not healthy. As far as respect from them...take away what they like the most. Set them a goal and a prize if they do good. Try charts so they see how good they are doing__
2007-11-11 12:17:50 · answer #7 · answered by Chickybabe 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's obvious it's your 6 year old that is teaching or showing the younger ones. You need to tell the counselor at his school maybe she can help you with finding someone free of charge to help you with your boys. I say boys because i find it hard to believe girls would be disrespectful towards their mother but i could be wrong.
2007-11-11 12:19:52 · answer #8 · answered by Teenie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be firm, fair and consistant and do NOT accept this behavior. If they disrespect you, then maybe being sent to their room, or marched into their room if they refuse and sitting there until they can learn might do the trick. It won't be over night, but eventually they will learn you will not tollerate this behavior
2007-11-11 12:11:24 · answer #9 · answered by mredgarjr 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Leaving is a good start! Set some boundaries for those kids and stick to them. Can you go get help?
2007-11-11 12:09:11 · answer #10 · answered by Me 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋