Some Help on my poem?

Question

I have this poem I have to write for a project. Keep in mind that I am only 13 and it doesn't have to be ABSOLUTELY perfect, but a little FRIENDLY criticism would be appreciated. Don't answer if you're just gonna be rude.




There is a place,
Beyond the sky,
Through the stars,
Beyond the moon.

There is a place,
Under the sea,
Among the starfish,
Surrounded by seaweed.

There is a place,
In the twinkle of your eye,
Or in a child's laughter,
Where any and all is possible.

There is a place,
It can be captured,
Only with the mind's eye,
As a sweet thought.

There is a place,
Sound familiar?
It lives in each of us,
Becoming our sanctuary.

There is a place,
And a way to get there,
But alas!
Most cannot.

There is a place,
You must find,
Your heart must serve,
As your compass.

There is a place,
It is not North,
Nor South,
Not East,
Or West.

There is a place,
That you shall find,
In your own good time,
And it shall lead to happiness.

Answer 1

I would check punctuation (every line doesn't have to have a comma before the sentence is finished.)
I would ask why the beginning of each line starts with a capital letter? Is it your computer program? Word does that. If that's not what you want go back and change the lines that don't require capital letters.
"mind's eye" is a cliche. I would suggest finding another way to say that.
And if this places "lives" in each of us it is not "becoming" a santuary, it "is" a sanctuary.
"Alas" is not the kind of language we speak and it's not consistent with the style of the poem. I would suggest you change "alas" to something else. How about "But sadly" instead of "But alas" as it pretty much means the same thing.
Finally, instead of saying "It is not North, Nor South, Nor East, or West" how about "A compass won't lead you there" (sort of the idea that "it" is "within" us...not a road outside of ourselves that we need to follow. Also, "shall" isn't an often used word either. I might change that to "will."
This is good for 13 years old.
I hope this is helpful.
Good luck with your project,
Margot

Answer 2

Oh dear, it is sooooo lovely... no criticism. Maybe the last line could be a little different? but not sure what it is.....the sound of it? Did you try: "that leads to happiness"? (without shall)
It is good, though.
All the best

Answer 3

I agree whole heartedly with the
happy comments above.
Try something as an experiment:
Every word above one syllable
might be replaced by a shorter word.
This is an exercise that might
show you some of the beauty
and power of the English language.

what a rich life you have coming.

Answer 4

Yes little darling , Each of us must find the happiness inside our own 'self '
You are wise beyond your years. I love this !!!