Please help?

Question

What would u do if ur husband was on the computer every day looking at porn and using msn to chat up other women.. Its absolutly killing me ive asked him to stop and he said he would but he never does, when i ask him about the porn he says every guy weather they are married or not does it but i feel like he does it rather come near me, as for the msn he says its general and he's talking to everyone but i know its just women cause i change his password and check his contact list and they are all girls, we fell out last night and today about it and i have threatened to leave so many times but he always persuades me to stay, he says he really loves me and would never survive without me but i just feel like his mum. Even today i went his parents with our children (3 and 12 weeks) and i have just got home and he has been on it again today as i have just checked, although b4 i left today he promised he wouldnt do anything as he would rather we got on then look at porn.

Answer 1

I am sorry you are dealing with this.

I have read so many stories about men (women too) who use porn. It is destructive and he is taking away something that should ONLY be given to you.

If you want to put an end to his porn (at home at least) install a filter like cybersitter (www.cybersitter.com) its inexpensive and works well (nothing is 100%). If you have a MAC you can go to www.integrityonline.com and get their dynamic filter as it is the only one available for MAC.

Your husband is using porn to replace relationship. He doesn't have to communicate with an image, meet the needs of and image or possibly be hurt by an image. He just uses it as a band aid.

I deal with porn addicts nearly every day and porn is destroying families right and left.

If you want some additional resources please visit my web site. www.savetnet.com

If you need some help with the filter installation go to my site and send me an email. I can help you remotely.

I recently changed my phone number and the site has not been updated. I don't give my number out on this forum but I will send it to you in an email if you request it.

Lastly, I know this probably hurts YOU. It is NOT about you. It's not about how you look or don't look. It's not about how you please him. There is something broken inside and he needs help to deal with it.

I bet your husband had a controlling mother, has eating issues, and more than likely some deep seeded anger.

Take it from someone who has been there and I can tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel if he CHOOSES to get help.

In the mean time. Protect yourself and your children (if you have them) from the porn coming into your home. Set boundries for yourself and don't enable his behavior.

Warmest regards.

Answer 2

I'm gonna get alot of crap for this post, but I am only speaking from my own personal experience, not the experience of others.

First, I know your pain first hand.

Simply put, he's cheating on you. What would you do if you caught him in bed with someone? This is the state of mind to use to determine what to do.

It's like living with an alcoholic, even when their sober, you never know when they are going to use again. The same with porn.

It's not true that all men look at porn. I might say most do but that doesn't make it healthy. A little here and there might be acceptable but never more than that. It's true, he would rather be using porn than be with you, but its no reflection on you, porn is a silent virus that enters your home and marriage and sets out to destroy it, as it destroyed my own.

Your husband probably has an addictive personality and needs to be treated just like an alcoholic and rest assured if it wasn't porn it might be something else.

Don't ever threaten to leave unless your willing to. He doesn't stop because he doesn't have to....your actions have shown him that your really not going anywhere. He won't even attempt to change until he believes you and the children WILL leave him.

"Nothing will change until it becomes too painful to remain the same"

Just as marijuana is the "gateway" to harder drugs, porn is the "gateway" to prostitution, cheating, sexual assault, molestation, rape, divorce, and fatherless children, etc.

This is serious. If he intended to quit and could, he would have by now.

In the U.S. there is a 12-step program called Sex Addicts Anonymus or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymus.

You must insist that he attend as many SA meetings a week as possible. If he won't then you either accept this way of life (PLEASE DON'T), or leave......because you deserve a good man and your children deserve a happy mother.

Answer 3

If you two have been married for a long time, I would assume so because you have children, he may have gotten a little bored with you. Don't take it the wrong way, it's not your fault, it seems more like the spark has faded and you just need to make it again. Try getting some alone time with him and performing a strip tease or something like that. Remind him why he married you. If he still continues this then either you aren't trying to get his attention enough, or he's a hopeless cause. As a last resort I would recommend getting marriage counseling, or maybe even if you're suspicious enough, hire a PI to make sure he isn't cheating on you. What your husband is doing is completely inappropriate behavior for a man who has children.

The next time you consider leaving him, think to yourself when he says he could not survive without you. Does that really mean he can't live without you or your financial support?

But do keep in mind, it's health for men to keep even a little bit of porn around.

Answer 4

He is an internet porn addict and he is hurting you and the kids. You need to disconnect the internet and get into family counseling. I have a friend who left her husband of 12 years because he spent far too much time on the computer.

There is something wrong in your house and it will not get better as long as he is on the computer all the time.

The only way to get him to reconnect with you is to cut him off. I would cancel your internet service tomorrow, and be waiting for him when he gets home. Tell him your marriage is in trouble. Tell him his internet porn addiction is hurting you. Acknowledge that it is partly your fault for not making more of an effort to draw him away from the computer sooner, before it got to the point where it was hurting your relationship.

Tell him you want to get help and find a marriage counselor to work things out. Tell him you don't know how long you will be able to stay with him if the two of you can't fix things.

Start planning family activities to occupy his time instead of letting him sit in front of the computer all the time. Invite the neighbors over to play bridge once a week. Rent movies (not adult). Take dancing lessons, or go for a walk in the park. By helping him to stay occupied when he would normally be on the computer, you will also be spending more time with him and reconnecting with him.

This is no different that intervening with an alcoholic or a drug addict. He has a problem, and he needs your help. You have to be the one to take action because he can't. If you don't, it is going to destroy your marriage.

Answer 5

Your position sound very upsetting and distressing. Contact and affection to the same or opposite sex on line is an affair. The time he is wasting on line with his other women is time he could be spending with you and his children. The bottom line is how would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot? I think you need to be very up front with your husband and tell him how you feel and ask him to choose between a virtual world or a real world, and even consider deleting MSN from your computer. His logic regarding porn is interesting, I would be asking him if there is something that he is not satisfied with as he seems to be trying to escape into a virtual world of porn and flirting on line. All the best and be strong, remember that you and your children are the most important and so is your happiness and well-being.

Answer 6

Not every man looks at porn. My boyfriend has no interest in it. Porn can be addicting just like alcohol. I would suggest you get rid of the computer and seek counseling with him, and have him go to counseling too.

If you threaten to leave, and he talks you out of it, then he needs to admit he has an addiction. As far as talking to other women, he needs to stop. Since he is trying to do it under the hat, he is in the wrong.

I will say some prayers for you and hope he can get some help. He is addicted if he says he won't anymore and still hides to do it.

Answer 7

it depends on how much developed you are. 16 is kind of late to be "just starting" but it is possible. have you had a wet dream yet? if not,your body might not be ready for this. you can email me if you want to discuss youe particular situation but here is some basic advice. there is a muscle between yolur legs, if you peniis is like half hard you can make it stiffer by tensing this muscle. you need to tense this muscle when you stroke. tense and stroke for 10 to 20 seconds, then relax a few sec, then repreat. speed about 1 to 2 strokes per second. then if you start to feel a tingling, or like you need to pee, then don't stop, start stroking as fast as you can for as long as you can, and that might be enough to push you over the edge to climax. hope this helps. I am a parent.

Answer 8

It sounds like he is not learning his lesson it is one thing to look at porn but if he is chatting with other women than he needs a swift kick in the **** i would not allow that he needs to choose if it were just porn I would say no big deal cause most men look but chatting is as bad as talking on the phone they could be having some kind of chat sex which is the same as phone sex you need to do something or he wont change. best of luck

Answer 9

I would give him a taste of his own medicine!! Get on some websites yourself and start chatting to other men (even if you dont really want to) and when he notices and says something then you can tell him you will stop if he will. He just might be too busy checking out what you could be doing to spend much time at any other website

Answer 10

Well I think that you need to tell him if he doesn't knock it off with all of his immature behaviors like looking up porn (which all guys dont do) and talking to other women, then are going to seriously consider leaving him. You need to think about your children though too. Tell him to get his priorites straight, its either the computer or his family. Lay down the laws. Let him know your not going to put up with this anymore. Marraige conseling is always an option if that doesnt work. I hope i helped. Good luck