How should hubby and i?

Question

How should hubby of 9.5 yrs and i communicate when it comes to my eldest daughter(14 yrs old) who is from my first marriage?Our arrangment has always been that all major discipline for my eldest daughter was handled by me and my hubby would simply monitor the situation only making comments to me in private.Ever since she turned 13 she has been horrible toward her step-dad spitting at him,screaming(cursing) at him,shoving him,and telling him constantly that he's not her dad.The reason is usually because her outfit was inappropriate and told her to change,he cant or wont drive her to the mall ect. She has even started treating her own siblings badly bullying them.She put nair in her12 yr old (bio)sisters hair,cut her eyelashes and shaved her eye brows.She told her younger siblings ages 12,9,9,8,7 that she hates them and does not consider them related because my 8 yr old is adopted and the rest are only half siblings .I have gotten her under control for the moment but how do..

i get my daughter to respect her step father?I think the issue here is that my eldest has never met her (bio)dad because he abandoned me while i was pregnant with her.

no miswrote her 12 yr old sister is her half sister what i ment to say is that they are not step siblings also they were always very close.My 14 yr olds dad left when i was 6 months pregnant.My 12 yr old is from a second marriage that only lasted a year.

Answer 1

You are correct when you say that the biological parent should be the main disciplinarian, but there is no way your husband or other children should have to put up with this sort of abuse.
Its time to get her into some sort of counseling. More than normal teenage angst, she sounds like a teen running off the rails.
Is her bio. father in the picture at all? Would he be much help in getting her to settle down? It could be she's resentful that her siblings have a "dad" in there lives and her's isn't. Could she be blaming her biological sister for the fact her dad isn't in the picture? (After all he left after she was born).
Is there any possibility that she's in the wrong crowd? Involved with drugs? Do you know what she's doing when she's not home?
Did she and the step dad have a good relationship before this? Can you pinpoint an event where it changed? Is there a possibility of abuse? Could she be acting out because of an inappropriate relationship between them?
I don't know your family, but you should. See what you might have overlooked in the past. If you think she needs help, get it now before she goes off the rails any further.

***How does she have a biological sister, two years younger, when you said she never met her biological father because he abandoned you when pregnant with her? Her dad must have been in your life when she was just over 1 for her sister to be conceived. Did you mean she was too young to remember him? Or that he wasn't around much when she was born? Is your second daughter really her full sister?

Answer 2

Oh my, I think family counseling is in order here. Your husband is right to care about what your daughter wears, that just means he cares about her safety and the things that others think about her. Now, if she never knew her bio dad, then why are you not co-parenting? I understand that he is the step father, but he fathers the other children, right? I just think that a united front is VERY important, and she is obviously not seeing that he is just as much a parent as you are. I know that's what you agreed on, but maybe for her it isn't the best approach? You are one big family, and she needs to know that she is part of it, and that HE is part of it... regardless of blood relation or lack thereof. I would consider family counseling for the whole family & especially the three of you. I do not think the problem lies in lack of communication between you and your husband, but possibly in the parenting style where you are the only diciplinarian. Good luck whatever you decide to do! I was 14 once... and a terror!

Answer 3

It's tough to really know the root cause of her issues, if she isn't really willing to share or communicate her feelings. It might even be she doesn't know why she feels the way she does, just is confused and see's that everything is irritating her. Could also be a cry for attention, a lot of kids push their limits to see what they can get away with when it comes to parents and they know how to push our buttons. I really wouldn't have great advice on this, since I have not yet dealt with a situation similar. I may be dealing with issues like this in about 4 years, when mine is 13. Good luck, sorry I couldn't be more help.

Answer 4

You all need to get together and try to discuss your problems.
Your hubby needs to tell your daughter that he is not her father,but he is trying guide her like she was his daughter.
Both of you need to handle the discipline and enforce it on all the kids together back each other up.
Get counseling if you can't get things worked out,your kids need to know that you love them all equally.
Your hubby also needs to spend time with her and taking her to the mall for some shopping is a good way to do that.
He needs to fill the father part of her life the best he can and maybe someday she will call him dad.

Answer 5

What do you mean how do you communicate? Same way you've been doing it for 9.5 years, you open your mouth, you open your ears and you talk and listen at appropriate moments.

You want advice about your daughter? Get a belt and pop her butt. Then take everything that is not a necessity away from the spoiled brat. You are only required to give her shelter, food, education and clothes. You are not required to give her name brand, so buy her clothes from the dollar store. You are not required to give her name brand food, only healthy stuff...so cut back on that. No video games, no allowance, no tv, no radio....nothing. If she can't appreciate what she has, then she shouldn't have it.

Answer 6

i have a older sister that was the same way. we have different fathers and she doesnt know her bio dad. shes at that age and trying tio find ways to act out and get here way. the best way is to try to hurt you guys and the "your not my real father" thing is the easiest way to do this. your going to have to sit her down and talk to her. its hard now but she will grow out of it. trust me i know, i have seen it with mo own eyes

Answer 7

Your right about the real issue and this is just a phase that'll take a few years and lots of patient until she matures.

Answer 8

i would get some help from someone
there is obviously something troubling her try talking to her perhaps take her out for the day so you can talk with no distractions,she is crying out for attention i hope things settle down for you all good luck xx

Answer 9

generally your splendor makes me dizzy.... now this question has surpassed even that dizziness....... What in the journey that your hubby's on line spouse had a girl on the area who had a cyber web hubby who had a cyber web mistress.... omg... i think of I in basic terms.....um..... blush

Answer 10

Your daughter holds one or more misconceptions as being true, as far as her belief as to what life is all about. You must help her see she is being tricked by her beliefs, and the result is misery for her and everyone around her.