Do you think this is good writing for a fantasy-oriented, literary roleplay?

Question

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2437055/1/

Answer 1

It does need editing.

Don't use the word "holler" unless you have already set the scene for a hick or a hillbilly. Otherwise it isn't really a word.

"fellow" is unnecessary with "partner".

We can assume they are headings towards a destination. You could say "headed toward the outskirts of town"

What's with the chin hair? Was it dyed to match his eyes, or was the match a co-incidence?

All ponytails hang down between the shoulder blades.

Use their names a little more. I lost track of which "he" you were talking about.

When you have Margo "not waiting" for a response, that means Margo will be the next to do or say something. Perhaps it could be "not expecting a response"

Read other fiction so you can absorb good grammar and techniques.


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Answer 2

Pretty good.

This phrase: "A thin, circular tuft of hair occupied his chin, dark colored, to match his eyes."

Might sound better as: A circular tuft of hair, as dark as his eyes, grew on his chin.