Could my childhood experiences still be affecting me?

Question

My mother left me and my brother at around the ages of 4 (me) & 6. She died last year and I am now having bad feelings which keep just welling up. I am in my 50's and recently remembered that I had to choose which parent to stay with. Could this be the reason I find it difficult to make personal choices?

Answer 1

Yes that's a good explanation of why. Often our childhood experiences can shape who we become, especially when the experiences are traumatic. The things you experience in your childhood make up your understanding of life and the world. It's hard to "unlearn" understandings that aren't necessarily true about life and the world. In your case it sounds like you came to the understanding early on that you didn't know what was best for you and therefore could not make decisions. This is understandable since at the age of 4 you probably didnt know what was best for you.

The fact that you are able to associate a problem you have today with events that happened in your childhood is a great sign. Now that you have identified the reason why you are reluctant to make decisions you can start reminding yourself the difference between then and now and why now in your 50's you are capable of knowing what is best for you and make personal choices.

Answer 2

Yes,it very well could be...you,at a very young age, were put in the situation where you had to make a very big decision,one that you really weren't old enough to make on your own.Now that your mother has passed away you might feel guilt for the choice you made...at the age of 4:) and you may feel that if you made one bad( life altering) decision you could make another...and you know what...you could...you know why...because you're human & we all make mistakes,but don't blame yourself for that decision (wether it was right or wrong) because wichever was the case...it was YOUR decision and you made it to the best of your ability...that's all anybody can ask for...make your decisions wether they're right or wrong...make them! Don't let that decision made long ago, at such a very young age, stop you from making the personal choices you need to make as an adult...you might not always make the right decision, but at least you tried and that's more than what alot of people do.

Answer 3

Well you can blame the past but really my husband went through a similar experience. His Mom didn't want the kids so he didn't have a choice, he suffered physical abuse from another relative, and for all intents and purposes he was a candidate for prison.
But one teacher told him he was smart and could do anything. He just took those few words of encouragement and has done wonderful things. He has a great job and he is a good husband. Now he helps other at risk as a volunteer in seascouting.
So you really have to make a personal decision to take that negative past and turn into something positive in your life.

Answer 4

Yes, my parents died when i was new born (mum) and 6 (dad). I spent years blaming them for 'leaving me'. I didn't understand what death was. ( i know your circumstances are different). But nobody loves a child as much as a parent (or other gaurdian that wants the child around).
I was put into foster/care homes, and the staff just didn't give us any real love or attention, (other than what they felt like). Having nobody to explain anything to me and such a cold atmosphere all my life from 6 onwards, affected me deeply.
One minute my dad was my world, the next it was just ripped away, and nobody was there.
I understand now, that they could not control dying, but the it is still with me, that i was let down.

Answer 5

i am 25 and at age 11 also had to decide on which parent to live with for myself and my sister, what an incredible thing to have to decide at a very young age,and the feeling of guilt for the parent we didnt choose is emense. guilt is a huge thing and as we are bi products of our childhood its no wonder that its affecting you today, even at the age of 50 we are still vulnerable and think that our parents are always going to be around, so for her to leave you once when you were younger, and then to of left you again when she passed away is like a double grievance, the feeling that she owed you an explanation as to why she left you and the need for you to understand. but also the guilt you have carried as to your choice as a child and the need for you to tell her your feelings and reasons behind them. life is cruel, a very small thing or a blooming huge thing can happen to a human being which can impact the rest of their lives, personal choices are made difficult (i am the same) because of the guilt feeling we get if we dont please people, then even if it makes us unhappy we feel we deserve the unhappiness. you are grieving for a life you could of had with your mum and the loss of your mum at the same time, maybe by understanding that whatever choice you made as that little girl, it was a huge responsibility and some thing that you shouldnt have to decide at that age, but now as an adult its your time to shine, you are you and this is your life, embrace it and stop trying to please every one, chances are they arent trying to please you. dont let them feelings get the better of you, and maybe talk to someone who can help you see things in a different way. good luck i hope i helped in a small way. take care xxxxxx

Answer 6

It sounds like it might be a contributor

But after 50 years, if you haven't dealt with your childhood issues...

It may well be the root, but that's in no way a reason why it's still with you now. It's your job to take hold of who you are and your choices, and to decide who you want to be. It's very important to know how you've been shaped, but keep in mind that you're the one who's shaping yourself now.

Answer 7

I believe you have unresolved issues with anger at your mother. You have every right to be angry with her and you did nothing wrong. You were forced to make a choice and you chose the person you felt closest to, who was probably the easiest of the two for you to live with. It sounds to me as if you made the right choice. I will not attack your mother for I don't know her but if she could leave you, she was flawed.

Counselling may help you to put things to rest and it's never too late. I had counselling in my fifties and was able to discuss my anger and more or less put it to bed.

Good luck in whatever you decide and big hugs.

Answer 8

The thing that strikes me immediately;

When a child is four or six they can just about manage do they want coke or juice.

You don't ask them to chose one parent over the other.

Small wonder the consequences trouble you. And the memories of that time trouble you.

Of course you miss your mum too, thats called being human and is perfectly normal.

However, that said, that which does not kill you makes you strong.

You are not alone in finding making choices hard, we all do.

You have arrived at 51 and you sound to be in pretty good emotional state to me.

HTH

R

Answer 9

Yes. It is curious how the past can have a profound impact on one's psyche such a long time after an incident.

As you and your brother reacted in the moments after your mom left you, both of you engaged your own individual survival mechanisms.

Often, the mechanisms employed by children are not logically sound, but AT THAT MOMENT- - - they worked. This is where reinforcement probably, in effect, 'locked-in', a response or responses. Not all learned responses are emotionally healthy. They may have been expeditious as a child, but as an adult, you are discovering how past events can still have an impact years later.

It makes me wonder about the tiny bit of smoking I did as a teen.

Answer 10

Perhaps. I know that from my own experience, events that were perceived as traumatic during childhood affect my adult life. I think that it becomes almost subconscious and that we tend to avoid anything that reminds us of the childhood experience.

For example, my Father and I had little to any real relationship. As I child, I did everything I could to gain his praise and win his affection. After years of failing to do so, I gave up and began to see myself as unlovable. When I reached adulthood, this perception of self caused me to marry a man that was as verbally/emotionally abusive as my Father. I suppose, I must of had this subconscious belief that if I tried hard enough, I could "earn" the love of my first husband. (And thus, redeem myself as a person and reignite the hope that I could still "earn" my Father's love).

Years of emotional/verbal abuse followed by a divorce and therapy, I now see that I have this tendency to put myself in situations that mimic what I negatively experienced as a child. Again, I think its my way of "fixing" or "redeeming" myself.

When you push all your emotions (especially the negative ones) down, they will eventually resurface. I think that when your Mother passed, those feelings resurfaced. Though I am clearly no therapist, I would suggest talking to a professional to figure out just what is going on.