my poem (comment on it please)?

Question

wut do you think of it
what do you like
wut would you change? (thanksss)

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a midsummer's sea

only by fate was i brought to this place
on blackened clay the chill sea crashes
a solitary seabird flies south to late
the sky flutters down like faded ashes
i drag my feet through salted muck
an icy gust whips my unclothed skin
a far away call of a dabbling duck
the sky's fire dies down for the dusk to begin

sorry.. its supposed to be mid WINTER's sea

yesterday i was in a building with a view of a bay.. its winter here and everything was gray and depresseing looking.. so i began to write

Answer 1

i like all the imagery. very descriptive. Although, i will give you a bit of constructive criticism...
the 'dabbling duck' phrase is a bit misplaced, it made be think of donald duck :-) maybe it's just because of the same D alliteration involving a duck, but anyway. perhaps think about editing that?
But otherwise, loved it! good job

Answer 2

Beautiful. I love writing poems and stories, and I understand what it's like when the words sort of hit you and you just run with them. I also admire how you had the courage to ask the public what the thought about it. I wrote a poem the other day, and maybe I'll follow your lead and post it for comments as well. The only thing I would personally change is to take the word "down" from the last line so it has the same amount of syllables as its rhyming line, but you don't have to listen to me. It's all up to you. As long as you're happy with it, that's all that matters! :)

Answer 3

Third line--it's "too", not "to".

Last line--I agree with the previous respondent--lose the "down" to make the meter smoother (also, it makes the dying of the sky's fire more dramatic).

I don't really like "the sky flutters down". It's a bit of a reach--an abstraction in the middle of vivid images. If something's fluttering down from the sky (snow? sleet? rain?), say so.

"Faraway" is one word.

Otherwise, it's pretty good!

Answer 4

I thought it was pretty good although I'm not a scholar. I really liked the uncloted skin part of course cuz I'm a guy and key words like that make me think nakedness. I wouldn't change a thing since you already made the spelling correction. I liked it although it made me a lil more chilly this morning.

Answer 5

I'm not much a critic of poetry but from the way you wrote it, you're trying to describe the sea (obviously). If you want it to be a little more serious, you might wanna not try so hard to make the end of each sentence rhyme. I think every 1st and 3rd sentence of a verse, don't need to rhyme at the end. I think you can get better comments if you post your work on www.poetry.com, if you haven't already. Keep writing!

Answer 6

Oh wow. Oh....WOW! That is really good, I wouldn't change a thing. It's amazing and really put a good pic in my head. Don't listen to the others I like the muck part and I think the rhyming is good and it definately flows, person who said it didn't. Wow, you're an amazing writer.

Answer 7

OMGSH!!! i love it. its perfect and you get the setting perfectly. I love the phrase "chill sea crashes" it sounds so cool. You did a great job and i wouldnt change anything

Answer 8

WOW
thats really good :)
but i would change the words muck
it dosent really match the rest of the poem
:)

Answer 9

Change salted muck to something else. Kind of ruins the visual. Maybe swamp?

Answer 10

It's alright, but you should get the book "A night without armor" by jewel kilcher she has a lot of of great poems