comment on my poem?

Question

wut do you think of it
what do you like
wut would you change? (thanksss)

--------------------------------------...
a midsummer's sea

only by fate was i brought to this place
on blackened clay the chill sea crashes
a solitary seabird flies south to late
the sky flutters down like faded ashes
i drag my feet through salted muck
an icy gust whips my unclothed skin
a far away call of a dabbling duck
the sky's fire dies down for the dusk to begin

soryy it's supposed to be a midWinter's sea

ok um.. yeah
the fire and ash are METAPHORSSSSsSS
fire=sun
ash= snow
if i had to explain that you obviously are to dense to be critiziting ANY poetry

yes unclothed skin DOES NOT mean i am nakedd

Answer 1

I'm much impressed with your imagery, metaphors, & your free-verse. I could "feel" the moment.
(No forced rhymes, or such personal things to which no one can relate, that I often see here.)
I would make some suggestions based partly on having been published, which only indicates I have some knowledge of poetry, so please take them as you will.

By fate I was brought to this place
["only" isn't needed as it's stated in the line]
Chilled sea crashes on blackened sands
Too late, the solitary seabird flies South
Faded ashes, the sky has fluttered down
[Avoid "like" when using sensory reporting]
Laboured footprints on the murky (?) shore
[I'd really have to give this line a think & totally re-write it;
"muck" also doesn't blend with the flow of your other words
of imagery]
My unclothed skin whipped by icy gusts
A faraway call of ??? [what shorebird might there be?]
Sky's fire dies to the dusk

Sometimes just the re-arrangement of words or phrases lends a more poetic voice. The fifth line is difficult; I know what you want to express, but how to do so without "muck," or "my feet" would take time. I just read your details again, & it's so very true that metaphors give beauty to a poem. I misunderstood "ash" to mean from the fading sun. Personally, I wouldn't use "ash" as a metaphor for snow. Like fallen blossoms?? Stop me!
So. I've told you what I like, & what I'd change, & that's the best I can offer! Maintain your imagery, it's beautiful.
Oh, by the way, "seabird" is far better than "seagull"!

Edit: To Zelda, whose "star" brought me here! Unclothed skin is also a metaphor, & doesn't literally mean naked. Yes???

Answer 2

Ducks don't swim in the sea!
Seas again usually don't leave black clay like a river would.
There is no such thing as a "seabird",
There are seagulls (which aren't sea exclusive), and birds of the sea, but seabird, one word, no.
The sky can't flutter like snow or butterflies. Ashes don't really fade either, they disintegrate. A picture in the sun fades. And a faded ash wouldn't flutter because it wouldn't exist. It's also a past tense verb, rarely an adjective, if ever.
"Dabbling" is not something ducks do either. They wade and wobble. 'Dabble" is what a witch does when she tries alchemy.

The sky is not only 'faded' ashes, but it has icy winds, and fire???

It's like splatterpaint on a a plastic rock. Not worthy of publishing.

The worst part is it's meaningless. There is not point or substance. And it's very cliche

Answer 3

You have some womderful imagery going here. Can I pick at it a bit and suggest some improvements?

It should be "flies south too late". Not "to" late.
A dabbling duck does not make a loud calling sound, so it could not have been heard from far away.
Also, why are you naked in this poem?

Other than that it's got a lot of promise.

Answer 4

the poem is very pretty the only thing i would change is the name its to much like a midsummer nights dream. but ya it was really good i just thought the name didn't fit it.

Answer 5

Hey . that is pro !.
thats really good
except the word muck ...
it didnt really come to me ...
how about you use a different word .
like .. clunch

Answer 6

I Like it!!!

Answer 7

good job, keep at it!