How do I learn to be less jealous?

Question

I have a wonderful husband who works hard, loves his family, tells me all the time that I am beatiful and the only one he wants. He is home in the evenings and at work during the day. But I have a suspicious mind filled with jealousy about everything. I get angry when he sneaks a look at porn on the internet (but not movies, magazines ect.) I hate it when he says his coworkers "friend" comes to help the two of them close the shop.
I am not a stupid person, and I know that my insecurities are going to drive him crazy and push him away. This is my issue and not his. He has never given me reason to believe he has ever or would ever cheat or leave me. We have been together 12 years and it was kinda cute to him when we were teenagers but now I'm sure it is just annoying as hell to always have to defend himself. Although he takes all with a smile and says I am just being silly and have nothing to worry about. How do I stop this childish behavior before its too late?

Answer 1

ok so what you have do is sit him down and appologize for the wayy you have been acting and how you knoe it bothers him . then he will tell you ho faitfull he is and ( this is the tough part) your gonna need to TRUST him . gl and i hope everything works out fine !

Answer 2

I have been dealing with a similar problem about being jealous. I have an overactive imagination and I am a stay at home mom. My husband hasn't given me any reason to think that he is cheating either. So I feel you on this. What I have done is do a few extra things for myself to boost my self-esteem. Like I'll take my shower in the morning instead of at night that way I can get ready for my day. I do my hair and makeup because if I feel good then I feel more confidant. I have been trying to occupy myself more that way my mind doesn't wonder to a bunch of stupid thoughts. It is kind of hard to have insecurities because it eats away at you. But do somethings to boost your confidence and have more of a positive outlook on your day. I think men like the confidence of I look great today. And distact yourself when a thought pops in your mind. Go out and window shop or exercise. Do anything that will make those thoughts stop. Hope that I could help some. Good luck becaue I know exactly what your going through.

Answer 3

You've already overcome the first step which is recognition of the problem.

Now that you know it, and have owned it, I guess you are up to step 2 of being able to change.

You see you could not do it until you recognized that the problem is caused by your own line of thinking. Feelings of insecurity are caused by this not by your husbands actions by what you write.

So apologize to your husband, tell him you are sorry only if you are, about the way you have been acting as though he is not trustworthy, because this hurts any partner, how would you feel if he treated you that way, it would hurt, because he did not trust you to do the right thing if temptation presented itself. You see, you do have a great man if he still tells you every day after 12 years that he loves you and that you are the only one he wants.

No woman likes her man to sneak at porn, once in a blue moon for curiosity's sake is ok but making a habit of having porn around is not healthy, but that is only my opinion, for there is no way a woman can live up to the expectations of a man hooked on porn. In his mind all women are like that and should perform that way which is sick I know because it is fiction,not all but many men don't get that.

I think you are on the right track and need direction on how to continue to correct your behavior and outbursts that you feal are over reactions to things. Seek conceling you will discover how many people suffer, with this, it is an illness, because you cannot help yourself and you feel badly afterwards, make it go away, don't let it control you as it has, as you said since a teenager. Good luck you have a lot to be thankful for, start there, every day, be thankful, count all your blessings, and you know if he really wanted to leave you there is no amount of yelling and screaming that could stop him. So it is something you fear that you have no control over, maybe this is what you are having difficulty with, but meantime you are missing the wonderful dance of life being played in front of you.

Please get help and join your partner in the dance. Peace.

Answer 4

You love him so you are going to feel a little jealous. Not much you can do about that. And if you ever stop being jealous he might wonder what is wrong with you. For 12 years you've always been like this and a huge change would really catch him off guard. I'm sure if he had problems with it you would have heard about it sooner.

I'm assuming that this coworker friend who goes to help close is a girl and that's what you don't like about it. Well, if you feel like doing a little work why don't you close sometime as well. I'm sure your husband and his coworker will be happy to get the extra hand.

The best thing you can do when you notice your jealous his caused you to go overboard is apologize when you realize your wrong.

Try to figure out what it is that makes you so jealous. If your not sure what it is that causes you to feel this way. You can try to write it down. After a month of writing down your jealous emotions you should start to notice a problem. Once you find the problem you can start searching for the solution.

I can sit here and give you all kinds of different advice and none of it will be as good as talking with your husband. If you haven't already. Talk to him about this.

Lastly, we all act childish about something in our life. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

Answer 5

First off, I am glad that you have already acknowledged the underlying issue here-insecurity. Have you been cheated on before? Has somebody betrayed your trust so badly in the past? If not, the issue clearly lies with your self-concept. You have to learn to love yourself, believe him when he says that you are beautiful. The more your learn to love yourself as a person, the better you will be as your husband's lover and best friend. I would highly recommend counseling, it can be very beneficial and therapeutic to get a professional's point of view as to why you are feeling this way.

Second of all, congrats for making it 12 years! Major kudos for that with the high divorce rate! You two are obviously doing something right and have something wonderful. I hope that this helps and that you two have a long, happy life together!

Answer 6

Just try ignore what he says or just don't let it bother you because you are not stupid just like you had said you just need to find some more things to do with yourself like taking more walks or starting something new by apologize to your husband, tell him you are sorry only if you are, about the way you have been acting as though he is not trustworthy, because this hurts any partner, how would you feel if he treated you that way, it would hurt, because he did not trust you to do the right thing if temptation presented itself. You see, you do have a great man if he still tells you every day after 12 years that he loves you and that you are the only one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. Good luck because you have a lot to be thankful for, start there, every day, be thankful, count all your blessings, and you know if he really wanted to leave you there is no amount of yelling and screaming that could stop him. So it is something you fear that you have no control over, maybe this is what you are having difficulty with, but meantime you are missing the wonderful dance of life being played in front of you so stop the madest because my sister had the same problem that you have but she just tell herself it is all in my head and in time the thought will go away.You have to convince yourself it is in your head.You know the devil loves to work on us women with this mind game of jealousy,and especially if we know they aren't cheating.The devil still tries.If you love your husband and you know he is loyal.Keep it in your mind that the devil is working on you.Don't let him win your heart over like that because your husband sounds like a nice guy and you sounds like a very nice lady to but you just got control your angry and keep force on goods things not on bad that is just going to make you jealous for nothing and good luck once again with your relationship!!!

Answer 7

I have been married 4 times. I understand what you are feeling.I`ve been there.First off,it sounds like he really loves you a lot.If you really love him you have to trust him. If he is going to cheat on you,there is nothing you can do about it. All three of my exwives cheated on me. I have never cheated because I know how it feels.They told me that if I`m going to think they are cheating then they might as well do it.I love my present wife with all my heart and I don`t want to lose her,so I have no other choice but to trust her.She almost cheated on me with a coworker and I knew about it from the signs. Now I don`t worry about it as I do everything I can to keep her from wanting to stray.Trust me,if your spouse want to cheat,they will. You know him better than anyone else and if he cheats on you,you will know.The signs are hard to hide.Until then,please try to trust him and keep your fears to yourself.If not,you will most likely end up alone for no other reason but your own fears.Love is about trust and commitment.From the sound of it I would guess that he is not cheating on you.Let it go as you are only hurting yourself and driving him away. If he cheats you`ll know. The signs are very obvious. I believe most spouses cheat because they are bored with their home life. Try new things and do stuff that will make him look forward to getting home to you.

Answer 8

you either have him or you don't. there is no in-between. you obviously know the little green monster has no value, yet you continue to allow it. focus on yourself and you will be a better thus more desirable person. focus on imagination and you become delusional. you seem like a great person and i am sure it is in you. don't make him sneak a look at porn, allow it. Oprah had a show a few weeks ago that stated even women now are realizing it's benefits. men look at women like that look a cool cars, art, etc. it does not hold much value to them and they have their favorite at home. if this co-worker "friend" is a female, she probably IS interested in something else, if your husband is secure with who he is, he shouldn't need the extra attention and out of respect for you, he should blow her off. if he is insecure with who he is he has issues and should explore options to correct.

Answer 9

You've sort of answered your own question there!

Just ask yourself this: if you have no reason to believe he'd cheat on you, then why are you worrying? I think once you can truly answer that question, you'll be absolutely fine. As well, I think its natural to have suspicions- but not full accusations. Anyway, I don't think what you're doing is completely unnatural- if he takes it with a smile, he know you're doing it because you care! You might be strengthening your relationship!

Just ask yourself why you're jealous and work from that- good luck!

Answer 10

You really have a wonderful husband. Why should you feel so insecure? Try to be engaged with things you like to do . and try to let go. Just one day ,do not ask, or pry into anything he does, with jealousy in mind, then analyse how you feel. how many times you had the urge to get into his space ...? After repeated practice, you can overcome jealousy.

Answer 11

Take a deep breath and get ready for this....all men look at porn!

My husband does too, but he is not comparing me to the ladies, he is just getting off on the idea of us two doing what they're doing. Men are visually stimulated. I would go and sit with him at the computer and surf the net together. It may sound gross, but you'll see what it is that he likes about it and you may actually enjoy it too. (Youa re allowed to be turned on by porn - it doesn't make you a pervert).

And as for the 'friend' who helps them shut the shop, could you be there one day to suss her out? She might not be what you expect - or she may actually be after your husbands co-worker.