A little help with my teenage daughter?

Question

Well, aside from the fact that I am the "enemy" now, she comes home and runs straight into her room and locks the door. She does this every single day. She had a sleep over with her friends and I offered to play a board game with her and her friends (huge mistake! and since when are board games not fun?). How can I connect with her?

I don't know if I should take the lock off the door. And I have no problem giving her space, but I just don't want to push her away.

I'm a father by the way. I'm not a female.

Answer 1

This is the most difficult stage of parenthood. You'll have to ride it out until she's mature enough to understand that you're not some sort of dictator. Make sure she knows that she can come talk to you openly. At this stage, it's not "cool" to be friendly with your parents, so hugs and offers to play will be received coldly if done in front of her friends.

If it gets really bad (if she starts acting up too much), ground her and make her write an essay about why she's upset at you, and possibly follow it up by an essay about what her life would be like without you. Even if she doesn't really gain anything from venting or reflect enough on the second essay, at least you'll understand what's going on in her mind and try to patch things up.

If you do discipline her, make sure you do so while you're calm. If you appear to be angry/distraught, she will hate you even more.

Answer 2

You didn't mention her age. Every age has it's different dilemas. I lived with a friend and his Common Law wife, off and on for 10 years. He had 2 daughters. He kept ending up in Com-Cor for traffic violations and was gone from the home and allowed home only every 2 weeks for the weekend. He did this 2-3 times and each time was for a longer period. The 3rd time was 3 years. If done again, habitial, and not good. Anyways, I raised them from age 5 and 7, off and on till they were 11 and 13. As it happens the mothers friend had 2 daughters, ages 6 and 8 when the other 2 were 5 and 7. I eventially moved in with their friend (strictly platonic) when the girls were 9 and 11. I raised them till they were 12 and 14. They were always with my other friends daughters (sleep-overs, etc.) so I had my hands full. Especially when they were 11, 12, 13, 14, in order. Boys, boys and more boys. I tried to give them their space but on occassion had to get in the middle when the boys were being too friendly. Yes, the girls would get angry with me, but it would pass, and all was good. They are doing fine now and are in their early 20's. You will go through the "teen-years" as I did. Have you ever watched a movie called "What Women Want", with Mel Gibson? Watch it and get an idea of his love/hate relationship he had with his daughter. Sure, it's only a movie but it gives you an idea of the rebellion going on. Give her her space but look for signs of drugs or anything of that nature. They start up younger every year. Ask her if she would be interested in Martial Arts (I'm an instructor) and if you can afford it, enroll her. It gives her something else to focus on besides boys, etc.. Other then that, can't help you. If she won't talk, you can't force her. Just try to make it clear that you love her and you're there for her. By the way, where is the mother? Are you a single dad? When she has another sleep over, offer to her (before her friends arrive) to rent a movie, their choice. Or at least ask her is there anything she needs. Don't try to be the groups "pal". Just be a dad and give her her space in a sleepover. It's a girl thing and guys are a no-no.

Answer 3

You gotta let them grow brother. This should not stop you from interjecting yourself into her too busy for you life. She will not like it and will probably curse you for it but in the end you'll be thanked. You only get one chance at it so do it right. Oh yeah, no more board games at her sleepovers k? Waaaay too lame dude. Try letting her pick out a couple of cool movies on the pay-per view or something. As for the door lock. I'd leave it there unless she starts not answering it when you knock. Then it's gotta go or you need a key for it.

Answer 4

Trust me on this taking the lock off the door is not the solution to get closer to your daughter. That will only push her away more. I was a teen myself. Oh and alot of teens do not concider board games to be fun unless they had been doing it all their lives from the time they were younger and even then they may not have wanted to do that. It may have been a forced event. So to connect how bout you start out small. Asking her how her day was? Or you could take her to an amusement park or out to eat. Kind of like a little father and daughter date day to let her know you care. Who wouldnt connect off of food? lol. You and her should go to a movie, or shopping. It is critical to remember if you go shopping with her do not dis her style. It is okay to say something like" you really like that one, well that color would look nicer" You know just let her know your opinion and be honest without usage of a harsh tone. Kids you have to be firm at times but she is a teen and she does not need a father to yell down her throat unless she trying to shop for booty shorts. It is okay to wear shorts but they dont have to reveal your butt cheeck. You can try taking you and her on a trip. That will provided time for you two to get reaquainted. Those are the things I would have wanted my dad to do with me as a teen.

Answer 5

I am also a father of a teenage daughter. That's totally unacceptable behaviour. I would take the lock off her door. With respect to you because you already have a lot on your plate, she needs to learn that she is part of a family and that nobody owes her anything more other than love and the provision of security. Apart from that she owes you a duty to reciprocate the love she gets from you. You won't push her away if you act STRONG. I have had to do that a few times with my daughter who today is 18 and my son who is 10. Have I pushed them away ? Well, my 18yr old daughter is in this very living-room with us on her lap top and I am on Y/As and we have a great loving relationship. But if she locked herself in her bedroom ? There would be World War 3 in this house.

Answer 6

You need to have a father daughter or mother daughter talk with her....I am not sure which you are ...you didnt specify, eplain to her that she lives in your house with you, that she is going to have to understand what that means, there are chores to be done, she must complete her homework, which you must and will check, you must make sure you operate as a family, eat at least one meal a day at the dinner table where everyone can meet and discuss things, there are rules, and locking the door in your house is your perogative not hers, she may go to her room whenever she wants, or she may be told to go to her room if she misbehaves, but she leaves the door open unless she is changing or something, but it does not remain closed any other time. You might be the enemy now, but if you relinquish control of her she will be the 'victor' in this war, and this is the last thing that you need. It might be hard but you must understand that when a parent 'loses' to a kid its just that...you are looked at as innefectual by her and her peers.

Answer 7

Well I am a teenager myself and I can honestly say that my parents somtimes get on my nerves too somtimes. Ha board games become less fun usally when your about 11 ;). Well I have some advice for you that I hope you find helpful. Try talking to her, but don't be pushy. Ask her casually about her day at school. If she seems uninterested about the topic then simply drop it, but if she tells you about her day then that is usally a sign that you've done somthing right.=] Give her some space and dont be to clingy to her,but make sure you tell her you love her,it will make her feel loved and maybe she will open up to her knowing that you DO love her! You must remeber your little girl is growing up and you need to accept that....I hope that helps you at all.

Answer 8

Take the lock off the door. Tell her that she has to spend more time out with the family or she will lose privileges.

Then go on the other side of this and make time for just the two of you. Go to the movies, or rollerskating or shopping... something the two of you would enjoy.

And... board games aren't too cool anymore. Video games, now that's a different story. :) But at this age at a sleepover, you are better to supply food and electricity (for the tv and the music) and stay out of sight.

Answer 9

I dont know the whole story but, from the point of a used-to-be teenager living with my mum, I would say try to understand where she's coming from. Try to see things from her point of view, see what she thinks is fun and what she likes to do. I would also say that she needs her space. I love hanging out with my mum at times, but then there are the times that I really would rather be with my friends, and she knows that, so we're happy with it. You need the ballance. I would also say, be an "available" mum... in other words, be someone she can talk to, make yourself available to her, and show concern for when she might be feeling down... that's just my two cents, and if you've already done all or some of that then, I have no idea... its just my perspective on it.

Answer 10

your daughter is pushing you away in preparation to leave and become an adult. it is normal. and there is nothing wrong with this. let her know that irregardless, you are there for her, and when she truly needs you, you'll be the first to know. If you want to spend a little time with her, do things that are a little upscale. for instance, take her to a high end coffee or tea salon (not Starbucks) but those that have a Bohemian feel. or if there is a restaurant with a fancier dress code and valet parking, take her there. It will help her score points with her friends that she has a parent that will do this sort of thing with her. common places such as the salon, mall, nail parlor, Starbucks are still too public and she may balk if you suggest going to these places with her. also leave her little notes with light messages, such as "have a nice day" or a little flower taped to her door. sure they are a little corny, but still nice. she may actually want to spend time with you after a while.