I'm not sure I want kids....but will I REALLY be missing out?

Question

I'm 36yrs old, I've never been broody & actually, as time goes by I feel less like having a child.
I live with my partner of 6yrs in rented accommodation.
I have a good job as a lecturer on good pay but I have debts of £30k which will take me at least 5yrs to pay off (enjoyed 8yrs of being a student which I don't regret for one minute!)
My partner is freelance and struggles.
We can't afford to buy a house in the current UK property market climate.
I love kids, don't get me wrong - my baby sis has a 5yr old girl who I adore & her 2nd is due very soon which is exciting. My middle sis is trying to get pregnant.
I would rather get married than have a baby, but my other half kind of swings the other way & is against marriage.
We do discuss things & are very close but these issues have never seemed important until now.
I feel more like 26 than 36 & love travelling, visiting friends at the drop of a hat & partying!
I'm slightly worried that I will regret missing out.. but seriously, will I?!!

Jordie - there is some pressure which I've never experienced til now! Even though my sisters are all having babies my mum really wants me to have one.... hmmm!

I wish we didn't have a biological time limit! I really could do with another ten years to decide!!!!

that's the thing Red... the 'instinct' that I was told would kick in by 30, well, I'm still waiting!!
If it kicks in at 40 - I may be too late...so it is a kind of hmmmmm...and I def don't look at them like a fridge hence me asking... but I certainly get your point as some women do see kids as cute 'accessories'! Shocking!!

Answer 1

I have to say if you love life as much as you do & by the sounds of it you enjoy freedom then probably having a child isn't the right thing for you, especially as you have no real feelings to actually have a baby & be a mum.
Its great that you realise this & you definately won't be missing out as you'll continue to enjoy life as you are now & it is great spending time with your relatives children but then being able to hand them back, you get the best of both worlds.
Im a mum of a 1yr old girl at 24yrs, im happily married & we own our house, its small & we struggle financially as im a stay at home mum.I wouldn't change a thing but i wished i'd enjoyed my freedom before as i have none now, just leaving the hosue is a massive chore, you have to pack everything but the kitchen sink.
Heres an example of us trying to have fun recently :

We went to Blackpool for a few days by the seaside, the whole 3 hrs journey there she screamed & we had to keep stopping for feeds or nappies.When we arrived we were exhausted but attempted a long walk, she then screamed while we had a mad panic to find somewhere suitable to stop & calm her down as it started to rain. When we wanted to eat in the evening she had tantrums so we had to leave our food, we rushed through the illuminations as she was getting aggitated. We attempted the waxworks( which she loved) & ripleys believe it or not, my hubby had a great time looking at everything at his own pace, i had to rush through it all, missing lots as she got fed up after a few minutes & the journey home was unbearable.
Put it this way, we were glad to get home lol Before having a baby we would have done so much in a few days but its impossible now. We are happy to accept that though as we love her so much.But if you can't bare the thought of what i just wrote then maybe you've made the right decision!

You have a really good time & live it up !!

Answer 2

This is a tough one!! I have 2 children and wouldnt change it for the world. I didnt want kids but I met the right person, got married and decided that maybe I did want kids. I havent looked back since. Yes kids are hard work, make mess, can be a pain in the ***, answer you back when they are older, can embarrass you at the most inappropriate times!, and can leave you feeling knackered, but this is far outweighed by the positives!! They love you unconditionally (and you do in return, there is no love like it), you watch them grow, they make you laugh, help you lose the inhibitions you develop as you become a BORING adult, they amaze you with thier resilience, they cuddle up to you and I could go on and in!! You may regret missing out, I think that the very fact that you are worried about it now, says a lot. But on the other hand I wouldnt recommend having kids just because you are worried you are missing out. You have to want to have kids. It is great that you are close to your sisters kids, but it is very different to being there mom. Having kids is not all bad and you can still have a social life, just with a different circle of friends. If you arent prepared to sacrfice yourself for kids, then I would say dont have them. On the other hand if you dont have them you will never know just how much you have missed out.

Answer 3

Oh my!! I am almost 8 months pregnant and already have a 2 &1/2 year old. I am 26 years old and have been married for over 5 years, so let me be honest. You will miss out on a lot of things that you love but when your child looks in your eyes for the first times and tells you "mommy I love you so much" it will make everything in your life feel perfect. You will NEVER feel financially ready not only to become parents but for anything at that matter. It is life to always want more than we have. When you do have children you feel your time with other activites that keep you busy. For a night out you can always find a carring sitter or relative. It is very hard being a mother and whom ever says it is not is lying!!!! Being a mother has been the very BEST thing in my life. So good luck.

Answer 4

I don,t believe you will miss what you never had and never really wanted. You sound very solid and and you have a very full filled life. Having kids may be what some have chosen to do for their lives and that may be what gives them purpose. Of those, Ive seen too many that should never have brought children into there selfish unhappy lives. Children should be brought into this world by parents who already know what love is and want to spend the rest of their lives giving and nurturing with unconditional love. Children too often are born, in the mothers attempt to feel loved and not realising that is an high order for a baby to live up to. You should enjoy the happiness you already have in life. Help your sister Love and nurture her children. Being a parent is not obligitory. Its a decision that lasts forever. Good luck to you. Stay happy whatever you choose.

Answer 5

It is a personal choice and by the sound of it you are not ready for it. You still do have some time to make the decision and no one should be pushing you. A child is a huge commitment for the rest of your life they deserve to be wanted with every fibre of their being. Unless you are able to do that stay childless for a little while longer! It does sound like the urge is coming over you though!

Answer 6

You're OK now but the time will come, perhaps when you retire or maybe earlier, when you will regret big time not having had children. Having children is not a... hmmmm... a consumer decision (shall by a car or a fridge) it is an INSTINCT that NEEDS to be satisfied particularly for women. So think seriously about having children.
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hmmmm... (LOL) -- if it didn't kick in at 30 nor at 40 then you have escaped it. Well. still time for 40. You're still only 36. The last prime minister's wife, Mrs. Blair had a child at 41 if my memory doesn't betray me.

Answer 7

You will only know what you are missing out on when you have kids. Until then it is impossible to know all the great things that having children brings.

PS. I'm afraid, that even though you FEEL 26, you're body is actually running out of time, regardless of how old you feel.

Answer 8

Don't listen to what others want you to do, even your partner. It sounds like you don't really want to have kids. Plus you are in no financial state to have kids at this point. Enjoy the kids you do have in your life. With nieces and nephews you can enjoy all the good parts and then give them back. Plus you can have kids to spoil and still spoil yourself. Kids are a wonderful blessing, but don't have them unless you really want to. Live your life, travel and do all of the things you want to do. Don't give in to the pressure.

Answer 9

Killing saber-tooth tigers with sharpened sticks, dragging women into caves by their hair, surfing down the side of a volcano on molten lava, Rachel Welch, a world without "Dancing With The Stars," no cell phones, prime time game shows, no rap music... Gosh, I miss those days...

Answer 10

At first I didnt want kids either, but then I got pregnant, Guess what? It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Youcant even imagine the joy they bring you until you actually have one. It was the best thing that has ever happened to me. You shouldnt miss out on the ezperiencr!