Married and in an affair?

Question

I fell in love with another woman inspite of being married and a dad. I finally managed to tell my girlfriend that I will not walk out of my existing marriage. She is completely heartbroken, and losing confidence. She knew I was married and a Dad before we got into this. She wants to stay friends. How can I help her? Please help.

I am telling her that I cannot be with her. That I cannot leave my family. That I love my daughter too much. She is not accepting it. She is saying she is going to end her life. PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME!

Answer 1

The only way you can help her is to let her go. Staying friends will not work because every time you see each other you will want to get "close". If you trully are committed to your marriage, then the only decent thing to do is to let her go. Of course she will be heartbroken, but with time, she will find someone else she can love......a man who is not married and who will be able to give her the security she obviously wants. Let her go....its the kindest thing to do.

Answer 2

You cannot be "friends." She does not define "friends" the same way other women do. She knew you were married and a dad. You both made a conscious choice. Secrets always have a way of coming out. Your wife will find out. The best thing for you both to do is to walk away and not to have any contact. You should tell her to get some counseling and talk to some of her "GIRLFRIENDS!" She does not need to cry on your shoulder. That would be manipulation. Tell her to talk to a therapist, priest, or a friend other than you, Tell her to lose your number and you do the same. Be prepared to come clean with your wife. Also be prepared to pay the price for the adultery with your wife for as long as it takes because you drove the car off in the ditch after all.

Answer 3

Staying "friends" is not the answer. What's with the roving eye, man? You need to come to grips with why you even had the affair in the first place. You can help her by getting her out of your life, for good. You don't offer any problems you or your current wife might be having, if any, so make a clean break with the "other" woman and do nothing more to "help" her. She has a responsibility in this matter as well as you.

Answer 4

The problem here is that you can't be her "friend". You have to break it off and wish her the best. All the reasons you fell for her will help her to find someone new. She knew your situation to begin with but somehow convinced herself that you would leave your wife for her. You can't stay in her life or you will give her false hope, even if you tell her things aren't going to happen she will still invest her self emotionally in you. Walk away, she will land on her feet. You have bigger fish to fry since you have to either tell your wife or decide to live with the guilt (not to mention bad karma). Either way you have got to commit yourself to being a better Father and Husband and not get distracted by short term pleasure.

Answer 5

First of all you being a married man should have never allowed your self to get involved with her in the first place, talking about you fell in love with her let me tell you something it was just lust because you are not gonna leave your wife for her now are you. She has a broken heart and the only one who can heal that is god and she has to let you go inside of her heart so that she can move on and find someone who will give her happiness not just sex.

best of luck

Answer 6

The word of it goes, "A married man will not leave his wife for noone". Meaning that if the man has a girlfriend he is not going to divorce his wife for her. If your girlfriend doesnt understand then you really need to move on with your life. You don't want what you are doing with her to come back and haunt you. Staying friends is also not good for your marriage because you need your wife to be front and foremost in your marriage. You married her, not your girlfriend. :)

Answer 7

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Splat!

Another one bites the dust......

OK. So you screwed up but now you're trying to do the right thing. I don't know what will really help but you could try un-attracting her to you. It might take a little time but.

Let's see. First you might want to figure out what she likes about you and start reversing that. Add to that;

Smelling bad and poor hygiene

Being weak and needy (unless she's the type who's attracted to that.

Make rude sounds and spit when you're around her.

Criticize her.

Criticize artists or politicians or anyone or anything that she likes.

Say people who__(insert anything she likes or does) ___ are stupid or ignorant.

Be really boring, tell stupid or crude jokes.

Stuff like that. Get her to dump you.

Also maybe if you have a friend who could try to get her at the same time, but be careful he might actually fall for her and squeal on you and then she would be out for blood.

Good luck

Answer 8

The best thing you can do for this foolish woman is to get completely out of her life. No friendship. You gave her fault hope with your attention. Don't blame her because you are married, you sure did not act married! You lie to your wife and most likely, you lied about any future together with this other woman. You gave her many mixed messages, you claimed to love her. Stop blaming her for your actions. YOU screwed up and are hurting many people. You are risking your marriage and children. It will hurt your children.

The best thing to do is to cut it off completely. Not give her any false hope with any mixed messages of a "friendship". End it completely and let her move forward with her life. It would be cruel to give her any hope or keep her hanging on in anyway. Let her get on with her life and find a man who is honorable and will put her first. You put her in a place to live in the shadows of your marriage and family. It may hurt at first, but ending it will let her heal. Continuing it will only continue the pain longer.

Your wife also deserves better. Your selfish behavior has been cruel to her also. You've taken energy from your marriage and family. These things tend to come to light sooner or later. You haven't seen heartache until you see the devastation of a betrayed spouse when they find out the person they trust the most has betrayed them. Hang on, a scorned woman might just out you to your wife.

Your actions where self indulgent and cruel to both women, your wife and this other woman. You can rationalize all you want to make yourself feel better about this, but face it, this was all about YOU. Start being that Husband and Dad, an honorable one.


Resources
A few good books:
"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass
“Surviving an affair” by Dr. W. Harley
“After the Affair” by Springs
A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/

A few other helpful sites:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
http://marriagebuilders.com/
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/
http://peterfox.com.au/index.html

A few good support forums for those dealing with infidelity. Lots of helpful people who have been through this trauma.
http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/
http://survivinginfidelity.com/

An ebook written for the wayward spouse to help them understand what they need to do to rebuild from the damage they created:
http://www.aftertheaffair.net/

Some marriage weekend programs:
http://www.retrouvaille.org/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html

Answer 9

you can't help her, if your serious about staying with your wife then you need to just walk away from your girlfriend and end it, no friendship or anything. This is a woman who put your marriage in jeopardy and having her as a friend would only keep the temptation there.

As for her feeling and such, apologize and tell her goodbye, she will be upset and sad but she will heal.

Answer 10

you should be asking , how can i help my wife and child and myself. who cares about her, you gave vows to your wife, and once your child was born you had an obligation. how do you think your child will feel when it becomes older and finds out you cheated on mom , heres a hint , go through the marriage and divorce or family part of yahoo answeres and listen to all the children heartbroken , from broken familys where dad cheats on mom . you knew you was married and a dad before you got into this also. you need to drop all contact with her, confess to your wife , get down on your knees and beg forgivness to her and pray to God she does it!